June 15, 2014
Some of us do stupid things when they’re in love, but
little do we know that we do more stupid things when we’re hurt.
After a break up, all I thought about was I won’t do
anything to compromise my self-respect because i knew that’s all I have left
after almost everything important to me was taken away in just a single
glimpse. For some weeks, I go through, I’ve saved myself from humiliation and
that made really proud of me. After the closure, I gave myself a tap at the
back for handling the talk properly, I went home with my self-respect still
intact. After two days, there was chaos inside our house, and I got used to the
idea that every time I come across these kinds of problem, he’s the first
person I run to, to make me feel better
despite everything that’s happening so I texted him to meet me the day after.
We went out and talked about those problems. We were friends for a day. Here’s
where it gets messy, I knew I was still bitter with the break up and all but I
knew it was all under control until I got to talk to him about it. I showed him
my vulnerable side. I’ve promised myself no showing of weakness especially to him.
It’s not pride, it’s preserving self-respect. I told him how I felt, I told him
how unfair it was that he was okay while I was still a mess; I told him how
painful everything for me was, that everything just piled up and I don’t know how to handle everything. It’s
hard to admit that I could be strong in almost all aspects of life but my
downfall would be love. I’m stupid when it comes to love, it’s like I just
can’t control myself from feeling pain. I kept on diverting my attention to
different things but I just can’t shake off the feeling of emptiness. He told
me to concentrate on my work and just stop thinking about what happened. Easy
for him to say, he was the one who left.
If there’s something I regret doing it’s talking his ear
off about all my weariness and all those pathetic stuff. He didn’t have to know
that. In his eyes, I was strong and I’m close to getting over then for just a
day, I blew that façade away. Though I
didn’t beg him to come back, which was somehow a good thing, it’s just that I let
him know how in pain and affected I was. I babbled about everything unnecessary
for him to hear. For me, it was pathetic… I was pathetic. He told me to just avoid him if it will be
easier for me. See? I was being patronized like I was a little hurt who had
scratches on his knee. I’ve resisted to be that kind of girl for so long but
yesterday, I just minimized myself to that level.
I understand that people could hurt me, because they’ve
already done it a couple of times, but I can’t accept the fact that I was the
one imposing pain on myself. I’ve come
to the point wherein I felt like, at the end of the day, I could only rely on
myself but it’s so mean of me to embarrass and insult myself. Is it acceptable
to say that I was just hurt? No. it’s true I was hurt but it’s no excuse for
the way I handled myself the other day. He may be looking down on me and maybe
he’s so happy right now for making the right decision to leave a mess of a
woman who doesn’t know how to act properly, who keeps on depending on him when
problem comes even if we’re no longer together. “Don’t be too hard on
yourself”- this is what most of you might be thinking, but I deserve this
hardship, I did this to myself.
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