July 25: The Turning Point

July 25, 2014

Today marks the second month of my new life. I’m happy and I’m thriving to be ultimately happy. Yes, I am still alone but I’m not lonely. I’ve crossed the bridge, the bridge I once dreaded to step on or even to look at or think about. I’ve crossed it and this I could call my breakthrough or my turning point.

 I’d go far as to say I’m better, wiser and stronger. Incidentally, this is something I did not expect from myself at least this early. I thought, when the second month comes, I’d still be the same. I’d still feel so much pain. You have to understand that at first, it felt like everywhere was a dead end. There were no detours, but if there were, they’d still lead to more dead ends.

I thought there won’t be an end to my misery. Days felt like months and it’s so difficult to stand tall when everything inside you wants to bow because of the pain. I thought, I won’t forget the happy and painful memories. I once believed I can’t go another month without the person who once meant the world to me. I thought I’d be forever lost because the love that was anchoring me just let me go.

Surprisingly, amidst all my endeavors, I still emerged triumphant. I know only some of you would be convinced that I’m finally getting there if I’m not there yet. Some of you are probably skeptical of what I’m saying here. I can’t blame you. I do know for a fact that love just doesn’t come and go easily. Letting go is not just a matter of two months given all my previous posts about how devastated I was. I am not trying to deceive you, all I’m trying to say is I’m no longer the girl with a damaged heart, just the girl with a splintered heart. There’s an improvement. The pain isn’t as intense as it was before. I stopped crying and grieving and if ever my mind wanders to the times in the past, it doesn’t bother me that much. I don’t think I love him anymore. People told me, it wasn’t that easy to banish love, but if there is still love that remains in me, it isn’t enough. He finally lost me too.

I’m happy in this place where I am right now. It wasn’t a walk in the park but it’s a worthwhile walk altogether. I’m not saying I don’t think about it every once in a while. I still do, but now with a new and profound view. I’m glad it was over between us. I discovered so much about myself that I doubt I would if I was still with him. I love myself more right now. I’ve come to embrace the possibility that no one could ever hurt me as much as I was hurt before or if someone might attempt to, I know, I’d still survive in the end.  I finally realize and understand that I deserve someone who may not better (since I don’t really want comparisons) but someone who’d stay through all the good and the tough times. Someone who’d stay and really mean it because now I discovered I’m capable of staying too.