July 12: TIME is your greatest enemy yet it’s also your greatest healer.

July 12,2014

It’s been a long time since I’ve written something on this blog. For those who are curious, nope, I’m not TOTALLY over it. It’s almost 2 months after the break up. I won’t say that it doesn’t hurt anymore, it does but not that much as the first few weeks. It’s true, when dealing with heartbreaks, TIME is your greatest enemy yet it’s also your greatest healer.

 Time heals almost all wounds of the past.

This morning, I was thinking about the future, I was thinking about my future. I caught myself smiling because I saw a girl laughing a genuine laugh. I was free to do anything and be whoever I want to be. I saw myself meeting new people because I knew I was ready to do so. I saw myself no longer in pain, sleeping soundly without hurting every time I woke up. I saw a better version of me, I saw my future self. I looked back. Who was I a month ago?  I was wallowing in my room thinking how undeserving I am of his kind of situation. All I could think of was it was all unfair. My spirit was crushed, I even thought that I was just dreaming the whole time. There were thousands of questions running through my mind. What happened? Why does this have to happen? Everything was gray, everything was dark. I thought that I would always be like that. I thought I won’t be able to talk to other people without crying my heart out. But right now, I go to work and talk and laugh with my officemates. I go out with friends and have a nice night with them. Of course, at the end of the day, I still think about my fallen relationship but at least, I get my much needed sleep.  Time makes me stronger as it passes…

…But sometimes, time makes me weaker too.

Reality always comes to me with a bang. It hurts because I know it will take long for me to achieve the state I wanted to be in. I still have to go through all the process of moving on. I still have to experience everything, all strands of hurt, all feelings of anger, betrayal and frustration… everything. As much as I want to avoid all these feelings, they seem to haunt me every time I dodge them. If I had a prayer to be granted today, it would be that time would go faster than usual. I want to let the pain go away. I want the entire burden to be dislodged from me. I’d like to increase the speed of the process and be the person I saw in my day dream. I’d like to be the girl people would talk about: “she’s the girl who got her heart shattered ,  but look at her, she looks brand new, she looks happy and she really is.” But I know, that’s one elusive thing to ask. I keep on inculcating in myself that after this I’d emerge stronger and wiser because wisdom cannot be learned or gained overnight. Wisdom is most often than not gained from experiences, especially the painful ones.

 But for the record, I’m doing just fine as of the moment. I’m enjoying the life with my friends and family. It still bothers me but it doesn’t hurt that much. I’m getting through just fine. I’m starting to enjoy my single life, meet new people, know who I really am and I guess that’s the important thing in moving forward; that in that painful process, you gain some lessons, you redeem yourself and eventually, you understand who you really are and who you’re meant to be.

Goodbye to You, but Hello to the Beginning of Me

 June 21,2014

We were so happy, I thought you were my world and I was yours.

I gave you all I have coz I know you were worth it

I promised myself to never let you go.

Then one morning when I woke up you were gone.

Every night I think of what we used to share.

Every night I remember all the stories we tell.

Every night I remember the way you held me before…

Every night I asked myself what went wrong.

They told me to be strong and stop holding on

They told me that you’re gone and I’m all alone

I never thought your love meant goodbye

So right now, I know what I have to do.

I’m saying goodbye to everything we’ve been through.

Goodbye to everything we used to be.

Goodbye to the future we once painted

Goodbye to all the promises we once shared,

Goodbye to you, but hello to the beginning of me.

I know it’s hard to let us go

But now it’s clear to me, it’s time to move on

No more regrets because at a time I was happy

No more regrets because at a time I loved and I was loved

But right now, I know what I have to do.

I’m saying goodbye to all our memories

Goodbye to every moment we had

Goodbye to the laughter and the smiles

Goodbye to all the pain and sorrow

Goodbye to you, but hello to the beginning of me.

I’m letting everything go; I’ll give myself this freedom.

I’m letting you go, so I could set myself free.

No more what ifs, no more if only,

Because right now, I’m taking control of my destiny.

So goodbye to all the love I had

Goodbye to all the hope I grasped

Goodbye to all the years that passed

Goodbye to everything I knew

Goodbye to you, but hello to the beginning of me.

June 15: Crazy Mistakes

June 15, 2014

     

       Some of us do stupid things when they’re in love, but little do we know that we do more stupid things when we’re hurt. 

       After a break up, all I thought about was I won’t do anything to compromise my self-respect because i knew that’s all I have left after almost everything important to me was taken away in just a single glimpse. For some weeks, I go through, I’ve saved myself from humiliation and that made really proud of me. After the closure, I gave myself a tap at the back for handling the talk properly, I went home with my self-respect still intact. After two days, there was chaos inside our house, and I got used to the idea that every time I come across these kinds of problem, he’s the first person I run to, to  make me feel better despite everything that’s happening so I texted him to meet me the day after. We went out and talked about those problems. We were friends for a day. Here’s where it gets messy, I knew I was still bitter with the break up and all but I knew it was all under control until I got to talk to him about it. I showed him my vulnerable side. I’ve promised myself no showing of weakness especially to him. It’s not pride, it’s preserving self-respect. I told him how I felt, I told him how unfair it was that he was okay while I was still a mess; I told him how painful everything for me was, that everything just piled up and  I don’t know how to handle everything. It’s hard to admit that I could be strong in almost all aspects of life but my downfall would be love. I’m stupid when it comes to love, it’s like I just can’t control myself from feeling pain. I kept on diverting my attention to different things but I just can’t shake off the feeling of emptiness. He told me to concentrate on my work and just stop thinking about what happened. Easy for him to say, he was the one who left.

If there’s something I regret doing it’s talking his ear off about all my weariness and all those pathetic stuff. He didn’t have to know that. In his eyes, I was strong and I’m close to getting over then for just a day, I blew that façade away.  Though I didn’t beg him to come back, which was somehow a good thing, it’s just that I let him know how in pain and affected I was. I babbled about everything unnecessary for him to hear. For me, it was pathetic… I was pathetic.  He told me to just avoid him if it will be easier for me. See? I was being patronized like I was a little hurt who had scratches on his knee. I’ve resisted to be that kind of girl for so long but yesterday, I just minimized myself to that level.

       

        I understand that people could hurt me, because they’ve already done it a couple of times, but I can’t accept the fact that I was the one imposing pain on myself.  I’ve come to the point wherein I felt like, at the end of the day, I could only rely on myself but it’s so mean of me to embarrass and insult myself. Is it acceptable to say that I was just hurt? No. it’s true I was hurt but it’s no excuse for the way I handled myself the other day. He may be looking down on me and maybe he’s so happy right now for making the right decision to leave a mess of a woman who doesn’t know how to act properly, who keeps on depending on him when problem comes even if we’re no longer together. “Don’t be too hard on yourself”- this is what most of you might be thinking, but I deserve this hardship, I did this to myself.

June 12: Get closure when you're ready and not when you want to be ready

 June 12,2014

After more than two weeks of being separated, we finally talked and got the closure we needed (June 10, 2014). We started with the regular greetings, “Hi, how are you?”, “I’m fine, you?”, “I’m fine too” then there was awkward silence. After a minute or two, we started to talk about what happened to us, how it all fell apart, how it all came crushing down.  I didn’t ask for a lot of answers to my numerous questions, questions that I’ve written on my previous posts because I knew those answers are deemed to be unnecessary, they won’t matter anymore… because they won’t change anything.  After the serious talk, we started talking about our lives after the break up. I’ve talked to him about my work; he talked to me about his plans. It was a typical conversation… it was OUR typical conversation. Believe it or not, we even laughed at our silly stories. In my recent post, I told you, there will be no walking down memory lane, but I guess it’s inevitable. We went through some of our memories but only the shallow ones. At the end of our conversation, we had our seven last words to each other (this may sound dramatic to everyone but it’s a way to end the relationship in good terms). Yes, we are in good terms but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

We talked about being friends that may someday, we’d get to talk about our lives over coffee, go to movies with other friends, and all the stuff that friends usually do. I wanted that too because before everything came to a halt, we were the best of friends. We run to each other for support, I run to him for advice. He may not know this but his various trivia about the world, the galaxy and the solar system and even his jokes make me so much better and happier after a long and depressing day. It’s difficult to let go of the relationship but it is way more difficult to let go of the friendship. I remember people telling me that I could never be friends with an ex but I think they’re wrong. I could be friends with him only when I stop hoping that someday, we’d still be together. We could be friends only when I finally accept the painful fact that it’s over and when I stop crying myself to sleep or waking up in the wee hours of the morning just to cry.  We could be friends only when I let go of him completely. I kept on telling myself “he let me go easily, he doesn’t love me anymore” but it doesn’t make the hope go away, it just adds to my pain. Could we still be friends in this lifetime?

                It hurts so much after the closure but the hurt already makes sense. Closure doesn’t make the rest of the feelings go away, actually it even fueled the love but it also fueled the pain at least on my part. I got to talk to him again like we weren’t separated, like it was just like before, like everything was okay. I indulged myself in his company again that I forgot I was hurting that’s why afterwards, the pain was too much to bear. I felt like I was back to square one.  In the morning at work before the talk, it was a challenge for me to alleviate myself from the impending situation I had to face in the afternoon. I was so nervous and uneasy because I felt like when I get to see him again, I’d fall all over again, I’d agonize myself all over again. I thought I was ready… I really thought I was, but now I realized that closure should be asked when you are ready and not when you WANT to be ready.

                 

June 8: I'm ready

June 8, 2014

Okay so after a long deliberation with myself, I’ve decided to write a post for today.

For the past few days, I’ve been thinking about the meeting that many people have been talking about. My friends told me that in order for me to totally move forward, we should have that dreaded talk called closure. At first, all I knew was, I didn’t want to see him, I didn’t want to talk to him or merely be near him… it was the pain talking. But it’s been two weeks and I think I’m sedated enough to have a civil talk. Does this mean I’m not hurting anymore? No. I don’t think that the pain would just go away in an instant. I don’t even believe that it could go away in weeks or months. The wound is so deep that all I could do is get used to the pain. I don’t even think it could heal any time soon, but at this moment, I feel like I’m ready to leave some things behind me. Just some things because I believe that this process needs time, it’s not a one-time thing, it’s not like you stop feeling, you stop hurting overnight (I hope it was that easy).

I wrote because my thoughts are vague regarding that closure. I wanted to let it out and know what’s on my mind. First, I don’t know how to react once I see him again. This is one reason I wanted to have that closure. We’re living on the same city so there’s a great chance of us passing by each other and that would be totally awkward and painful on my part since it’ll be the first time I’d seen him after the breakup, if ever. I’m preventing myself from an “it’s all coming back to me” scenario, given that I’d surely be caught off guard. I needed this closure since I could prepare myself for the worst. After this, maybe when we see each other at the mall, there’d be stings but the intensity won’t be that long lasting anymore. It’s all about preparation. Second, how do we start the conversation? How awkward and strange could it be? Should I ask him how he is? Would he ask me the same? Then what? There are no manuals or handbooks on how to start a freaking closure (*wishful thinking * maybe after this, I’d write one).  After the small talks, how could we delve into our failed relationship matters? Have I mentioned it’ll be awkward? But I promised myself there would be no walking down memory lane. As far as I’m concerned, memory lane is blocked, closed. Third, I don’t know if he already has someone new in his life. I mean, come on, I’m being realistic here. I don’t want to be the cause of one of their upcoming arguments. The thing is, if ever there’s really someone,  I’d respect what they have and trust me, I don’t want to be the crazy ex-girlfriend portrayed in films. I won’t deign to that level. My point is, I need this. I’d like to end the relationship the way it deserves its ending. Almost five years of being together must not just be ended through a text message or a facebook message. If ever, they’re already together, I hope the girl understands this. Lastly, am I still hoping of getting us back together? I’m not going to lie. Sometimes, that thought passes through my mind but I don’t really want to acknowledge it. Hope could be your best friend but sometimes, it has to be your worst enemy and right now, I’m against it.  I don’t want to hope anymore, or wish for that matter. It’s not worth it, it’s not real, and it’s never going to happen because it’s over. He killed the relationship, he killed the girl he used to have feelings for, and he killed the girl I used to be.

After days of succumbing to fears of seeing him, hearing him or being near him again, I think I’m ready. It’s going to hurt, it’s going to hurt badly but I’d survive. I don’t know what would happen next. Would I go back to square one? Or I’d move 5 steps forward. I’m ready to take a risk because I knew I’d do anything just to move forward. If I have to talk to him and know some things I know has the power to destroy me, then so be it. It’ll pass. I don’t when, I don’t know how long it will take but it will pass… they will pass.

I’m ready but it doesn’t mean I’m not scared. I am, oh how the Lord knows how scared I am but this needs to happen. I hope that the future me would thank myself for this. It takes a large amount of courage and strength to get through this. Out of all the conversations I had in my life, this is the most difficult one.

This afternoon, I was looking at the pictures of us together. We didn’t have that much but they were enough to bring back the tears at the corner of my eyes.  My friends told me to stop looking at the photos, but I told them that it’s okay. I’m looking forward to the day that when I take a look at these, I won’t be feeling the same anymore and maybe I could have the strength and courage to once and for all, delete them. I’ll  look at them if I need to, not because I’m hindering myself from moving on but because I’m getting used to the idea that at the end of the day, they will be the last photos of us that we’ll ever have.  

Many people are asking me, do I still love him? I told them, would there be a difference? No, so it doesn’t matter. Love during this time doesn’t matter anymore. I didn’t think it even mattered in the first place, at least for him.

June 1: Acceptance isn't a Choice, it's an Imperative

June 1, 2014

It’s been a week since we broke up. For some, this is not very much eventful, but for me, this is an accomplishment. I no longer bawl myself to sleep. I feel sad, it’s true. A broken heart isn’t just mended in days or weeks time especially when the love was true.

“He doesn’t love me anymore, he has found another”- this has been my mantra for the past seven days. It didn’t get me anywhere but my room then I’d just start to cry…silently this time. They told me to bombard myself with the truth and so I did. It didn’t make me feel any better. Well, I don’t think it was meant to make me feel better. It made me wake up from the thought that I was just still dreaming. Newsflash!  I’m awake but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. When accepting something painful, there would always be questions, doubts, and the prominent, fear of the unknown. Questions like, how can I accept such painful truth?; when can I be able to accept it?. Doubts would cloud your mind, Am I really suppose to accept it?; Is it really the truth?. Then suddenly, your mind starts to wander to uncharted territories, fear is triggered. The tricky part is you have no idea what that fear is. Then the dreading question you’d try to answer is, “What happens next?” You don’t have any idea what’s about to come. Would you stop feeling pain or would it last longer than you expected? It’s like entering a jungle, would you be attacked? Would you get lost? Or would you get out unscathed? Many of you may think, where is she getting at? My point is, acceptance doesn’t come easy. It’s not like, you slap yourself with the truth then the next day you accept it. It’s indeed very difficult to accept a sad truth, because if it wasn’t, then it’s not the truth at all.

During these early times of trying to move on, acceptance has been one of my greatest endeavors. As I’ve said, it’s not easy. He was my first love. I loved him since I was 16. Mind you, before I met him, I was driven to not trust guys. It’s just that I always felt like, I’ll just be cheated on, I’ll be lied to, I’ll get hurt. But for him, I didn’t know what has gotten into me, but I let him in, I gave him my beloved trust. When I was 16, he had hurt my feelings time and time again without him knowing. He tried to push me away, with the reason that we’re just two different worlds and that we weren’t meant. I tried my best to move away; I tried but the fighter in me just wouldn’t stop because I knew he’d be the only guy who’s worth every smile, every tear, every joy and every pain ( Some of you may be shaking their heads now, but once you felt he’s worth it, you’d fight for it too). We fell in love. We were together when I was 17. People may think, it’s just puppy love, but for me it was love, just pure love. We were together for almost five years and then just one day, I woke up, and all my dreams were shattered. I tried so hard to keep my heart together but there was nothing I could do, it broke, it continued to break until the last piece. So I’m wondering, is one week enough to accept everything? Is one week enough to accept that the only guy you’ve given your heart to your whole life just left? I don’t think so.

They told me that acceptance is a choice, but I’d be brave enough today to rebut this statement. Acceptance isn’t a choice, because a choice is something one wants and is willing to do. A person could say he chooses to accept his pain, yes he is willing, but I’d doubt if he really wants to. It comes down to, what choice do I have? You end up with nothing to compete with the idea of accepting the situation. You’d say, the other choice would be not to accept, but not accepting means another set of consequences. Choices are given because options are on the same level. That’s why it’s difficult to choose because you’d win something but you lose something of the same importance too. Accepting isn’t a choice, it’s sadly an imperative, it’s necessary; it’s a command of nature. There is no other way, there isn’t any other choice.

I’d be a hypocrite to say I’ve accepted everything that is needed to be accepted, but I’m getting there. I can’t say that when you start to accept it’ll be easier to move on but I think it’s a start. I think, I won’t be able to accept it soon enough, but I will… eventually.

May 30: Unsaid Words

If I had to write him a letter to tell him things I wasn't able to, I would let him know that:


Dear you,

I could have saved us... I could have fought.. You could have given me the chance to.. You should know by then that I'd always find a way. I could have done something but you weren't strong enough to trust me before it all happened. When you were at your weakest, you should have gotten strength from me, I'd get hurt but I would understand and fight for you. I may lose in the end, you'd still walk away  but at least I got the opportunity to fight for the one I loved. If there was something you did that hurt me deeply, it's not that you fell out of love, it's you depriving me of doing something for the relationship I invested in. You made me stay still and made me watch how my world fell apart in front of me without a fight. You could have trusted me enough to trust yourself. You're sorry?.. yup, me too.

-me