August 16: My heartbreak was one of the best things that ever happened to me

August 16, 2014

When I was going through my tough break up, I’ve always been repulsed by how unfair life and love could be to me. I was in a stage where my mornings were dreadful, my nights were eerie.  I didn’t want to go out of my room; all I wanted was to be swallowed in my solitude.  I came to the point when I was so mad at myself for dreaming that he’d come back and suddenly wake up feeling alone and lonely. It’s like all my ideals of how my life and future could be all went to waste. To say I was devastated is an understatement; I was ruined, I was damaged and there was nothing I could do about it. I succumbed to my weakness and frailty. The logical part of my brain was not working at that time, all I could feel was pain, betrayal, anger and self-pity and these aren’t a good combination to say the least.  Never has it crossed my mind that my break up was the best thing that could ever happen to me, it’s true.

At a time, all I thought was I was secured. I was sure that I would never be alone ever again. I was sure that while people around me are throwing all their love away, I was on my zone keeping what I thought was my constant; keeping what was mine. When I thought I couldn’t imagine myself without him, I lived and I proved that I could and I did. 

I never realized that I was an empty shell, not until the break up. He was my shell. I indulged in the wrong perception that I was protected, that I was something because I had a shell; I was something because I had someone. I swam through the illusion that he will always be a part of me. When he went away, I felt naked, I felt overly fragile and delicate. I felt an overwhelming fear knowing that I am nothing without him. That any attack against me would be my downfall.  I did not only lose a part, I lost my whole self- but this was ages ago because right now, I learned how to be whole not for other people but for myself. I learned how to save what’s left of me not because I need to do it, but because I can and I want to.

It’s true that you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. I thought I was strong enough during the times when I had him, but then I realized I am much stronger than I ever was now. I’ve learned to live my life by myself, and for myself, and you know what? I’m having the time of my life. I’ve come to terms with the outlook that happiness must not depend on other people. Happiness must come from within because at the end of the day, we only have ourselves. I’ve come to discover that people could come and go, they’d leave when they want to, this is the painful truth, it’s dreadful but there’s something more horrifying than that- it’s when you leave and lose yourself in the process.

I was on the brink of losing myself but I made a decision to take the first step not away from what hurts but towards it. I gained courage to face that excruciating pain because I know, I cannot hide from it forever, that sooner or later I’m going to have to face it, why prolong the agony? I took the step knowing that it could make or break me. But I strived to get to the other side and I did. For once, I was proud of myself.

Assurances, guarantees, declaration of love, I used to think that these are the only things I need to continue holding on especially during the times when we were about to give up on each other. When we start to speak words of reassurances, it’s like they fill up the void, the hollow space that was caused by arguments and misunderstandings. I won’t contradict that they make a lot of people feel good about their relationships, but I won’t also tell you that they’re enough. These words would always remain to be just words until they’re proven, and these are only proven through time.  I wouldn’t realize this if I didn’t get my heart broken.

If my heart wasn’t broken, I’d still be imprisoned in the idea that love is all about the battles you’ve conquered together. Once I thought, we had a sturdy foundation because we surpassed all obstacles. We were partners, we were teammates, but now I realized, we were rarely lovers.  Our relationship was all about strategizing and analyzing all events happening in our lives. We were so busy preparing for the next battle that we forgot to revel in our triumph together.  

My heartbreak made me wiser and stronger. It showed me pain and resentment but it opened my eyes to a new kind of happiness and peace. It revealed the serenity brought by forgiveness.  Another thing is, it gave me another chance to feel how love should really be. It made me learn what it feels like to fully love oneself and I’ve discovered that that kind of love is way different and fulfilling than that of the love from other people.  It made me realize that when one loves herself, no pain brought by other people can bring her down because she knows she’ll survive.  It showed me that it’s not easy to love oneself since you have to face one of the most difficult enemies- self pity but it also showed me that it isn’t impossible. 

My heartbreak was one of the best things that ever happened to me because it gave me no choice but to stand up for myself; it forced me to open my eyes from the reality that we were just not meant for each other.  It forced me to understand that my hesitation to see things as they are would hinder me from who I really was meant to be. I now have a clear understanding of what love is and I learned that from a great teacher- me.

August 7, 2014: You Deserve Someone Better

August 7, 2014

“You deserve someone better”- four words that form one of the most euphemistic clichés in the universe. This sentence has always been the first line of people consoling broken hearts. Despite its constant usage, it has its depth and its own truth.

When I was in the midst of my painful situation, I was surrounded by a lot of empathizing people. They’ve shared a lot of pieces of advice but perhaps my broken heart had a mind of its own. All I kept on indulging myself in are the thoughts my wandering mind comes up with. They kept on telling me that I’d get over my loss once I’ve accepted the fact that I deserve better. At first, I wasn’t keen on comprehending what they were telling me, I deserve someone better? How could I have someone better when I had the best? Then finally, I was tired of listening to my own thoughts since I was going around in circles achieving nothing so I tried to grasp what the outside world kept on telling me. “I deserve so much better”.

I started to think about the “better” (whoever he is) I dreamt myself to be with.

I deserve someone better. I deserve someone who knows the difference between love and relationship.

I deserve someone who’d hold my hand not because holding hands is written in the handbook of relationships: standard operating procedures. He’ll hold my hand because he wants to let people know that I’m his. I deserve someone who’d hold my hand not because that’s what significant others do but he’d hold my hand because that’s his implicit way of saying, “I won’t let you go”.

I deserve someone who’d understand my unpredictable mood swings, someone who won’t turn his back on me when I start ranting about something that happened that day. He’d listen even though he knows it’s going to be a challenge to make me feel better. He’ll try because he knows he’s one of the people whom I trust enough to vent my frustrations on. He’ll try to make me smile because he knows he has the capability to do so.

I deserve someone who won’t say he loves me every now and then because he understands that those words are too special to just be spoken like ordinary sentences. He’d say “I love you” in times when his heart feels like it would explode because of the love he feels for me. Those words won’t be a template on his phone or a routine he’d get used to. I may not hear those words most of the time from him but once I do, I’ll know it’s genuine, I’ll know it’s real.

I deserve someone who would prove me that real men cannot be stolen and real men know how to fight the relationship battle. He’d stay with me despite the many times we fight over things trivial or otherwise because he believes that all our predicaments would be stepping stones for us to achieve a sturdy foundation that would soon be invincible. Moreover, he knows that love is not all about feelings and emotions because these are just the add-ons to the package of relationships. He’d value trust, respect and understanding over the lightning-like spark that a lot of people are fussing about because he knows that the spark that deceives a lot of people is just superficial. It could fade away but what would bring its glow back is the foundation built on trust and respect.

I deserve someone who won’t leave even though it’s difficult to be with me. He’d accept my flaws but would help me learn from them. He won’t condemn me for making a mistake; he won’t judge me for something I failed to do right. On the other hand, he won’t tolerate my wrongdoings. He would reprimand me because he wants me to be a better version of myself without compromising my identity. He won’t force me to be something I’m not.

I deserve someone who’d treat me like a fragile glass but deep inside him, he knows I’m stronger than what I appear to be. He won’t take me for granted. He would let me do the things I want because he trusts me enough to know that I can take care of myself but he’d still want to take care of me too. He won’t patronize me but he won’t neglect me.  He won’t impede me from experiencing new things but he’ll make sure I won’t get in trouble. He knows that I want to be held but not controlled.

I deserve someone who knows what could hurt me and would try with all his might to avoid setting me up with pain. He wouldn’t want to see me crying because of anguish. He’d dedicate his life to make my tears flow because of happiness and laughter. He’d be willing to give everything he has just to protect me from any suffering there is. He won’t break me even though he knows he has the power to. He won’t break me because it would break him too. He won’t pull the trigger even if I hand him a loaded gun.

I deserve someone who could be all these things because I know I could be all these to him too.

The truth of the matter is broken hearts have their own time of understanding what the outside world keeps on telling them. Pain blurs all sense of rationalization. It takes time to come to the point when you’ll fully accept that it’s time to open your eyes, shake the pain away and start seeing your worth and once, you see it, then, you’ll make sense of it all.

After months of wallowing in self pity, I started to regain my balance, I started to feel alive again and with this, I started to see myself in a better perspective. I started to realize that I do

deserve someone better.

August 1: When you've finally moved on

August 1, 2014

When you‘ve finally moved on…

You’ll lay your head on the pillow while your mind wanders into space outside the boundaries which you have caged yourself in. You’ll sleep, yes, you’ll finally get some needed sleep thinking of the things you have to look forward to the next day- projects, presentations, or events, nothing that concerns your previous heart break. You’ll no longer fear mornings. You’ll wake up without a stabbing pain or even just a pinch in your chest. You’ll take a shower without taking too long and thinking of what could have been until your fingers become prunes. You’ll groom yourself without smudging your make up because of unbidden tears. You’ll choose a shade of your eye shadow without thinking if he’d like it or not. You’ll choose it because that’s the color YOU like. You’ll dress up in your suit, mix and match anything on your wardrobe. You’d want to look your best, not because you think he might see you but because you feel comfortable and confident in those clothes.

When you‘ve finally moved on…
On the way to work, you won’t think about how once upon a time you used to pass along that street. You won’t reminisce the laughs and those silly jokes you’ve shared along the sidewalk anymore. If ever you do, you’ll just smile and keep those jokes in mind so you could share them to others.  When you’re at work, you’ll be busy because of all the work you have to do and not because you force yourself to do all things, even those tasks outside your job description just so you could be free of all the bombarding thoughts of your break up.  You’ll take those days off because you’d want to stay at home, watch TV, sleep and all those trivial things you’ve been doing prior the break up. You’ll want to be normal again.

When you ‘ve finally moved on…
You’ll no longer feel the need to see him. You won’t long to hold him in your arms anymore. You’ll forget how his hair feels on your fingertips. You’ll forget how soft his lips are or how gentle his caresses are.  You won’t remember the comfort his presence was to you.  You’ll forget how his hand fits yours.  You’ll forget to think about him every now and then.  You’ll forget to remember that once, you had someone who meant the world to you… or maybe you won’t… but then it wouldn’t bother you that much anymore.

When you ‘ve finally moved on…
You’ll no longer long for reconciliation. When the thought of getting back together crosses your mind, you no longer feel a spark of hope that maybe, just maybe you could. You’ll stop thinking about all the opportunities you should have seized to make him come back and if you’re lucky enough, you’ll tap yourself on the back and tell yourself “good thing you didn’t take the bait”.  You wouldn’t want to go through everything again. You’re fine by yourself.

When you ‘ve finally moved on…
You’re happiness is no longer dependent on what you have or what you don’t. You’ll learn to stop worrying about things you can’t control. Your peace of mind comes from within and not from without. You’ll stop talking about him and asking people for their opinions about how he feels, what do you think he’s doing and all those things you want answers to. You’ll stop wanting other people to tell you things you just want to hear to get through the day. You wouldn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore because you’d be too busy  thinking about what to do with your own life. You’ll start to listen to what your heart says. You’ll understand that the tranquility of oneself doesn’t come from the voices heard by the ears, but it comes from the melody heard by your own heart. 

When you’ve finally moved on…
You’ll understand and accept that love changes people and so do heart breaks. You’ll see yourself in a new light. You’ll finally let go of the girl you once were. You’ll enjoy your independence not because you have to, but because you want to. You’ll forget the girl who was drowning in her insecurities just because she felt that no one wanted to be with her, inculcating in herself that she isn’t good enough. You’ll understand that nothing could be enough for someone who doesn’t know how to be satisfied. You’ll go on thinking that maybe, you’re not the only one liable for the fall out.

When you’ve finally moved on…
You’ll forgive yourself for all the things you’ve done and for all the things you didn’t do. You’ll understand that everything was how it was supposed to be. Eventually, you’ll forgive him too, you’ll forgive him for leaving your heart in ruins. But you’ll realize that it’s not his fault. The culprit is love with the heart as its accomplice. Love is so fickle that it changes over time that leaves you wondering what’s happening now. It changes drastically that it won’t give you time to prepare or predict what’s about to come.  You’ll forgive him because you know both of you were just victims in the tricky game of life and love.

When you’ve finally moved on…
You’ll stop asking questions, you’ll stop searching for answers. You won’t want to know what really happened, why it needs to happen… you’ll stop wanting to know because at the end of the day, those answers won’t mean a thing. At this point, it’s unnecessary to know because you’ve finally accepted that those won’t change anything. Right now, you wouldn’t want to change anything at all anymore.

When you’ve finally moved on…
You’ll thank him. You’ll thank him for causing you so much pain in the past because without that experience, you won’t emerge as someone you are right now. Without him breaking your heart, you won’t see yourself as someone ordinary but precious, delicate but invincible. You’ll thank him for without him setting you free, you will be forever hampered to become someone less of who you are meant to be. Without him letting you go, you won't know how strong and brave you could be; you won't know how courageous you are in the face of tragedy; you won't know that you can survive all by yourself. You’ll thank him for being a catalyst of discovering lessons and insights in life and in love that you would not have known should you have stayed in a dying relationship. 

When you’ve finally moved on…
You’ll know it. That would be the day you wake up and everything’s clear. You wake up then feel different. When you let go of everything about him with all your heart and with a genuine smile that’s when you know, you’ve finally moved on.

July 25: The Turning Point

July 25, 2014

Today marks the second month of my new life. I’m happy and I’m thriving to be ultimately happy. Yes, I am still alone but I’m not lonely. I’ve crossed the bridge, the bridge I once dreaded to step on or even to look at or think about. I’ve crossed it and this I could call my breakthrough or my turning point.

 I’d go far as to say I’m better, wiser and stronger. Incidentally, this is something I did not expect from myself at least this early. I thought, when the second month comes, I’d still be the same. I’d still feel so much pain. You have to understand that at first, it felt like everywhere was a dead end. There were no detours, but if there were, they’d still lead to more dead ends.

I thought there won’t be an end to my misery. Days felt like months and it’s so difficult to stand tall when everything inside you wants to bow because of the pain. I thought, I won’t forget the happy and painful memories. I once believed I can’t go another month without the person who once meant the world to me. I thought I’d be forever lost because the love that was anchoring me just let me go.

Surprisingly, amidst all my endeavors, I still emerged triumphant. I know only some of you would be convinced that I’m finally getting there if I’m not there yet. Some of you are probably skeptical of what I’m saying here. I can’t blame you. I do know for a fact that love just doesn’t come and go easily. Letting go is not just a matter of two months given all my previous posts about how devastated I was. I am not trying to deceive you, all I’m trying to say is I’m no longer the girl with a damaged heart, just the girl with a splintered heart. There’s an improvement. The pain isn’t as intense as it was before. I stopped crying and grieving and if ever my mind wanders to the times in the past, it doesn’t bother me that much. I don’t think I love him anymore. People told me, it wasn’t that easy to banish love, but if there is still love that remains in me, it isn’t enough. He finally lost me too.

I’m happy in this place where I am right now. It wasn’t a walk in the park but it’s a worthwhile walk altogether. I’m not saying I don’t think about it every once in a while. I still do, but now with a new and profound view. I’m glad it was over between us. I discovered so much about myself that I doubt I would if I was still with him. I love myself more right now. I’ve come to embrace the possibility that no one could ever hurt me as much as I was hurt before or if someone might attempt to, I know, I’d still survive in the end.  I finally realize and understand that I deserve someone who may not better (since I don’t really want comparisons) but someone who’d stay through all the good and the tough times. Someone who’d stay and really mean it because now I discovered I’m capable of staying too. 

She crossed the bridge

She finally forgot...

July 18: Aftermath Realizations

July 18, 2014

All this time, I was known for being the outgoing, cheerful and laid back kind of girl. Even my mom thought I was an easy go lucky type. I really hope I saw myself that way when I’m in the midst of my solitude. But no, it’s just not the case.

As a matter of fact, I’m the all-things-should-be-thought-and planned-before-execution kind. I got used to the idea that everything should be analyzed over and over again just to be sure. I used to write all the pros and cons on a sheet of paper then think of all the consequences each option could have then decide from there. It’s like my life has always been based on a flowchart. It’s like my everyday is conceptualized by how well I managed yesterday’s business. Everything should be run through my head first before anything else… even my emotions. Is it proper that I start to get mad? Is it proper to cry already? Should this hurt? Should this make me happy? Must I show that I appreciate a certain gesture? Should I look shock now? I may seem like a robot to you given that I seem “programmed”. I wasn’t born that way obviously, it’s just that I got used to it. Don’t I act on impulse? I do, and that’s the reason I keep telling myself to think and analyze everything first before I act because my impulses are stupid or the best way to put it is, they make me look stupid.

Moreover, I’m a complete control freak. Everything should be in order, everything should be as planned. I may have an eye for remedial management but as much as possible I don’t want anything to obstruct all my plans. I know, I know, life is not always smooth sailing and all that but I still think that when all things are arranged and you have plan B-Z for back up, everything’s going to be alright.

Everything was A-okay…that was before life decided to execute its little trick on me. Life really has a wicked sense of humor. Funnily enough, I was at the receiving end.

As I’ve said, I’ve been used to taking control of my life, that’s the reason why my life was going at the direction I’ve always planned. Everything was properly schemed. I trusted my plans, I trusted people to make those plans come to life. But then, I trusted too much. Trust takes some pinches of dependency, and given that I was an independent woman, I was blindsided because I never knew that the trust holding my plans together was the same trust that would destroy me, and everything I had in mind.

Being off balanced would be an understatement; I was completely out of the wire. I felt like free falling. I kept on waiting for the time my feet would touch the ground.

After the catastrophe, I took a strong hold of my life. I took a mental note of everything that was happening. I was analyzing every detail of my life just for me to understand what went wrong. I was desperate to understand where things start to come undone. I was desperate for answers so I won’t have to make the same mistakes twice. But then, in my search for all those whys, I went home empty handed but with a heart full of burdensome emotions I can’t event start to sort, but with experience in controlling emotions, I believed I’ve handled them quite well.

Unfortunately, I came to a point when my control broke. It was difficult to hold everything in. I was an active volcano then, anytime, I could explode. There was like surging lava inside me and I just can’t seem to take a hold of it, until such time I decided to talk to my mom.

I wasn’t the type to show emotions to my family. In their eyes, I was the achiever, I was the easy going, confident girl who topped her exams and who just wants to stay in her room and read books may it be for academic purposes or for leisure. But they don’t care as long as I was a reading a book. So when I started talking to my mom. I was crying in front of her and I told her how hard it is to go on a day and think of how unworthy I was because I discovered my castle was made up of sand. I kept on telling her that everything was going according to plan but then one day, everything was going on the opposite direction and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. She was just sitting across me stunned. I could not shock her more than she already was. These were her words: “it didn’t occur to me how negative you are, I’ve always pegged you as a confident and happy person. But never did I imagine how harsh you are to yourself. Enjoy your life, be young because you are, just go with the flow.”

Then it hit me really hard, I was so busy taking control that I forgot to live my life. Realizations hit me head on and I’ve never been so thankful. These are the things I’ve learned:

Stop controlling everything in your life because it will wear you out and eventually frustrate and disappoint you because you’ll realize that it’s an elusive thing to do. It’s like pushing a wall, it doesn’t take you anywhere but it exhausts everything in you.

If it’s meant to happen, it will happen. Beautiful things do not happen by force or control, they happen when you learn to let go of the urge to become their puppeteer. 

You don’t need to plan everything in life, you don’t need to analyze those bits of details, and life isn’t a big test to be prepared for every time. The problem is, we worry too much. We indulge ourselves in preparing for a battle that doesn’t exist. We build forts around us without realizing that those walls impede us from seeing how our lives should be; we impede ourselves from seeing how beautiful our lives could be.

Lastly, go with the flow. I know, this has been the most popular cliché when opening the book of how to live your life but this is one of the truest things that one has to do. Sometimes being brilliant means knowing when not to think. Just learn to feel, and embrace everything life has to offer because that’s the only way you could see and understand why some things have to happen in your life.