An Open Letter to My Brokenhearted Friend

Dear Marshy,

I promised to keep your name but you know who you are and perhaps, this letter may  be for those who have had their hearts broken too.

So you called me in the middle of the night crying; you told me you left him because you’re tired of an unhealthy relationship. You blame yourself for not being good enough but let me start reminding you of who you really are.

I would not tell you how strong you are and all those crappy things that people usually say to make you feel better because you won’t. I will tell you straight through writing all your heart’s undiscovered yearnings.

 You deserve someone who won’t let you sleep feeling unwanted, unappreciated and unloved. Someday, you will be with someone who would make sure you go to sleep smiling because you’re ultimately sure that when you wake up, someone still loves you just as much as he did last night.

You will find someone who would call you not because he needs something from you but because he needs to know how your day was. You don’t deserve someone who would not listen to you rambling about how hurt you were when you found out your friend was lying to you or maybe when you found out that your perfume was out of stock. You deserve someone who would listen to the most trivial parts of your life and would actually be interested in them too.

You cry after finishing a good romance novel because you envy the female protagonist because she is loved and cared for. Two things you told me you haven’t genuinely felt these past few years. You feel bad and low that you couldn’t experience the kind of love found in books or movies. You spent all those years hoping that maybe someday, he’ll realize your worth and start caring and loving you the way you wanted to be cared for and loved. Newsflash, he won’t.

Now, let me tell you this. You do not deserve those feelings roaming around you. When you find the right one, you will smile after reading a romance novel because finally, your life is as beautiful as your books.

You do not deserve someone who tells you all the things you need to do to make him happy… even if it means losing the real you. You deserve someone who loves to see you happy; someone who makes it his life statement to make you happy. I pray that one day, you will find someone who smiles with the sight of you smiling back.

You told me about the very first time he held your hand in public. You were so happy, and I asked you why?, you told me he doesn’t regularly hold your hand or even place his arms around your shoulder in public. You were about to cry that time. Only now did I understand, it was because all this time, you wanted him to hold your hand… and he only did, once.

Look forward to the day that God would show you the person who would hold your hand and tell you he wouldn’t let you go and would protect you from the things that could hurt you, things that could make you cry, and things that could destroy your happiness.

Dearest Marshy, you need to choose your battles and staying in a relationship that doesn’t make you strong or doesn’t make you better would never make you a warrior. This is not the battle worth fighting for. You’ve given up half of who you really are to give way for the person he wants you to be but I’ll tell you this, I know you will find someone who would embrace your whole being and knowing that you are just perfect, no need for rectifications, transformations, revisions.

To lose someone who has been a part of you is not easy, it never was but believe me when I say you have to let go because burning the bridge is the only path towards finding yourself once again. You will find yourself and it will be an amazing journey, more so, it will be a fulfilling destination.

Once you’ve regained the love for yourself, you will fall in love again. But don’t worry, you will eventually fall in love with the right person because by then, you have learned to love yourself.

Love,

LRG 

An Open Letter to the One Who Broke Me

March 27, 2015

Hi,

It’s been a long time since I’ve written you a letter. I just suddenly had this feeling that I wanted to fire up my laptop and start writing this. Now that I’m in front of it, so here it goes.

First of all, you hurt me big time. You brought all the pain home. It was the biggest shock of my life back then. I was paralyzed; the strong woman who I used to be before everything turned to ruins vanished in thin air. I was a mess, I felt like I lost the entire world. My fault, I made you my world. I thought I couldn’t get over it; I thought I couldn’t get over you. I tried my best to get up from my sorrow and agony bed, I got some help from my best friends. It was a roller coaster ride. I’d dream of you talking to me then I’d wake up crying because it was just a dream and everything that was real was painful. I told myself, it was a hopeless case, I was a hopeless case.

I’ve loved you more than life itself. It was a stupid mistake but it was the best mistake I ever did. I never knew I was that capable of letting myself love that much. I’ve learned so much, I even learned that I could create a blog with a single theme. You were family, you were a brother, a father, a friend, a lover. But I had to deal with terms that for me, you will just be an acquaintance, a memory.

Until one day, I started to dress better, I groomed myself better, I smiled wider, I lived a little better. I met some friends who taught me to enjoy life; I still wasn’t a party girl but I celebrated in ways I know how. My thoughts of you became lesser and lesser as time passed by until I no longer think of you every waking hour of my life. I got used to a life you’re no longer in; I got used to a life where I was in.  I knew I was still broken but the shards didn’t define me anymore. Slowly, I was regaining myself.

I still dream of you, but not in the way like before. I don’t get up crying; instead I wake up with a smile on my face and a long thank you note for you. Now, I may have scars from the day I was broken, but believe it or not, there are a lot of things I’d like to thank you for.

Thanks for leaving, because my true friends came to my rescue. Because of you, the foundation of our friendship became stronger and unbreakable. I learned how it was amazing being in their company despite how devastated I was. They mirrored who I was back then and they helped me regain that woman.

Thank you for hurting me. Thank you for making me believe that I wasn’t good enough; that I was worth leaving because without you setting me free, I won’t be able to meet the person destined for me. You paved the way for something greater that could happen in my life. Because of you, I wake up everyday looking forward to more days to come standing beside the person who has seen my brokenness but still believed I was worth every act of love.  

Thank you for the challenges, the tears, the needles pricking my heart, I learned they were proof that I was alive. I still have those tears and needles but it’s no longer because of you. Right now, those things are proof that I am more than alive, I am in love again.

Thank you for leaving me when I had still so much love to give, because I would never discover that I could love someone so much more than I had loved before.  I used to think that all my love was wasted but it was just a matter of time when I discovered there was a purpose why you had to get out of the picture. Someone is about to take your place and that’s how it should be.

Thank you for losing me, because without you, I wouldn’t be found by someone I never knew I was looking for my whole life. We were in a maze, I trudged my way out after you let go of my hand, I would never have thought in the end, someone was waiting for me to get out from that endeavor. Thanks for letting go for it gave me the chance to hold on to something stronger.

Thank you for the good times, it made me giddy to look forward to the days I’d spend with the right one. Through the good times, I discovered there was nothing to be ashamed of. If you accepted me for all the quirks I had in my sleeves, I could be accepted by another too. The best part was I was directed to the person who had the same quirks that I have (yey!). He makes my life more vivid, more dynamic, more of everything.

If I would be given a chance to alter the past with the knowledge of the future, I wouldn’t change anything at all because all those detours, all those road blocks, all those dead ends led me to today and I love where I am right now. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Hope you have a good life and I hope you find your happiness too.

Sincerely,

Me

Walls

December 28,2014

Falling and being in love could be an incredible feeling. It could take you to places you thought never existed but when the spark is gone, the limelight ceased, fireworks are down to its finale, when curtains close and love becomes something you just had; something you’ve held but has now been taken away, that incredible feeling turns into a dreadful nightmare. It seems like colors turn to gray and it seems like the world is closing in on you. Pain becomes your worst enemy but your only companion.

Along with the pain of a broken heart are the walls that start to build. Who would even want to be hurt twice in a row? The kind of pain that leaves you breathless not because of utmost elation but because of unending sobs; the kind of pain that wakes you up at 3am slapping you with the fact that your life changed big time in a matter of hours. That’s why conscious or unconsciously, we build walls. We lock up behind them so no one could hurt us anymore; no one could touch or utter a single word that would make us feel anything. Some people build their walls so high that they, themselves couldn’t even have a peek of the other side. It’s no big deal especially when there’s no one around. We often even enjoy being in our own solitude, mending what has been left of us, until one day someone comes along and question the integrity of those walls.

Chapter 2 can wait

If you have read my most recent post, I told you I was supposed to follow it up with a chapter 2 but there are some things… bizarre things to say the least that defeated my urge to continue with my Mandy Hale- inspired series. To tell you frankly, I haven’t found the resolution I need to complete the material or even post chapter 2.

Chapter 1 has been like an introduction gearing towards how to move forward and summon all the strength I have to take down my foot and take that much anticipated but highly difficult first step. At one point in time, I thought I was capable to write down how to do it. At one point in time, I thought I was adept enough to tell people that it’s sunshine after the storm, that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, because I for one thought I arrived at the end of it. But the truth is, sometimes, there is no immediate shining sun at the end of the storm, rather it’s another storm; there is no light at the end of the tunnel but another tunnel… but there will be, in time. I thought to myself, if I write and continue with the chaptered material, I don’t think I could urge myself to finish it. So I’ve decided not to write… no, it’s not that I won’t finish all the chapters, I will, soon enough, I just need to assure myself it wouldn’t be just another piece going around the bush without any sense of finality. I’m going to have to sort myself out first, and then I could share with you everything I’ve learned.

October 3, 2014: Matters of the Heart

October 3, 2014

I’ve decided to write something about the general populace in terms of relationships. These past few weeks have been a roller coaster ride not for me since I was just a mere spectator but for my friends. When they tell me about their current situations it felt like a movie was unfolding right in front of me. Some become fighters trying to save what was left of their relationship, some felt it was time to give up the fight some were fine staying along the sidelines and some are enjoying the love they've been fighting for a long time. People used to tell me that lessons are gained through one’s own experiences but there’s another truth they forgot to tell me, one learns through another’s experiences too.

In the verge of losing something so important-love, people who the world do not know had the strength to tamper their pride away and fight the relationship battle at the expense of their ego, start to emerge and show themselves. These are the people who give it all even if it means losing half of the half of themselves and giving it to the person they love. People may see them as crazy and selfless bordering foolish for not thinking about themselves too. But the thing is, I think they are worth commending. Why? How many people could pull off their ego masks and run towards what hurt them deeply? It’s like being fractured severely on a skateboard but you insist to try it again even though you know it’s going to hurt just because you trust the world enough to know that it’s going to be worth it in the end. To go on with a bruised ego is hard enough, but to put trust on something or someone who’ve caused damage, well that’s invaluable strength.  I’m not saying that you stay in a relationship that damages you, no, what I’m saying is you think deeply about it. Will it be worth it in the end? If it is, then shake off the ego and go for it but if you feel like it’s taking not only half of the half of you but everything you’ve kept for yourself, well then I guess it’s time to go.

Courage means letting go of something that means so much in exchange of something that means everything to you. It’s difficult to choose between two things so dear especially if it involves the person you truly love and yourself. In a spectator’s point of view, it’s easy to tell you to choose yourself. It’s one of the most prominent clichés in relationships: “love yourself first before you could love another” but the truth is, when the love of your life comes knocking on your door, it’s hard to separate the love for yourself from the love you feel towards the other. But we have to understand that relationships don't just involve love, they're hard work too but if work outdoes love and you become more of a warrior than a lover, you’ll wake up one day then you’ll realize, it’s time to move forward. Walking away takes indomitable courage and strength too.

When people have been through a lot, they become more cautious of the next step they take. They’ve learned enough not to take the easy way out and hurt themselves twice as much in the process. They content themselves in staying along the sidelines hoping one day they’ll find the collision they need to get back on track. People may see them as playing too safe but the real score is, these are the people who know most about loving and losing. They were on the battlefield too but wise enough to take a break and let things unfold in their right time. They’ve lost something, maybe everything at some point, trust me but they refuse to love again not because they’re scared and coward but because they’re trying not to commit the same mistake, they’ll love again…maybe until they see who’s worth the fight again.

Love has been something that most of us have been yearning for. There are those people who are filled with elation knowing they are with the person they love. They know the value of what they have not because it was given to them immediately but because they know for a fact they’ve worked hard together to have that kind of relationship. Successful relationships do not happen overnight, it takes time to build a foundation strong enough for the both of you. Relationships aren’t always about cuddles and roses; it’s about sticking together through thick and thin, overcoming the trials of time and all odds. It’s about putting up with each other’s mood swings and accepting faults and weaknesses. People say, it’s difficult to move on and be alone, yes it is, but sometimes it’s also difficult to maintain a long and lasting relationship but either way, it’ll be worth the journey after all.

Relationships are a pool of confusion, gratification, love and pain. Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose but there’s always something we take with us. When we win, we’re rewarded with the love of our lives, a promise of a future, when we lose, we’re rewarded with the opportunity to start and try to win again and maybe pick some other valuable things along the way.

We all have different roads to take, we may know all the facts about the situation but no one could ever explain how the other person feels truthfully even if they say they’ve been through the same. As what Paulo Coelho said, “We can never judge the lives of others because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It’s one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it’s another to think that yours is the only path”.

My Broken Heart was My Path To a Deeper Relationship with God

This post will be divided into different chapters since it’s going to be too long to begin with.

Chapter 1: Mandy Hale Inspired

So this blog post is duly inspired by Mandy Hale, the wonderful author of “I’ve Never Been to Vegas”. I’ve been reading her book this past few days and I could say that it hit the nail head on. Her experiences were very similar with mine but of course, she’s gone through a lot more than I had but despite that, she emerged stronger and braver.

I thought back to the first time I started this blog. I’ve always divulged that I was writing whatever I felt and had in mind because it was too much to bear and writing has always been my outlet. But more than that, I would also like to inspire other people going through some stuff I’ve been. I have messages to send across. Mind you, it isn’t easy to pour your heart out and share your pains and trials to everyone. It’s even somewhat embarrassing to let people know what happened and what’s going on with your life especially when it’s coming from a deep, dark and painful place. But just like what she wrote, everything happens for a reason. We were bound to experience what we’ve experienced in life because we are called to do something big not only for ourselves but for others too.

The past few blog posts were all about how I’ve pushed through the walls of heartbreak never did I mentioned about the source of strength that made me, so much as stand and attack the wall. I’ve taken all the credit for finally standing on my own two feet and face the new life. The aforementioned book made me realize this. I haven't given enough credit to God who turned my life upside down in a wonderful and exquisite way. When you thought there's nothing else that's left of you, he starts to show you how you are so much more than what you really think of yourself. So the following paragraphs are glimpses of how God made my internal chaos very well known as a broken heart turn into strength, courage wisdom and faith.

As you have known, heard or read, my long term boyfriend and I broke up after several years. It was painful to say the least. I felt like free falling in space. I didn’t know when my feet would touch the ground. It was very dramatic at least on my part because I was the one who was left alone (it’s embarrassing that time but it’s one of the facts that became my stepping stones). I’ve been crying nonstop for days. I didn’t want to go out of my room, but because of my friends insistence, I had to. the day after the split, I had two important job interviews from prestigious companies (since I’m from a small town, it’s somehow difficult to land interviews from reputable companies given the struggles in terms of competition and the number of job openings) but I missed both because I just can’t manage a good applicant façade that time. I was more than broken, I was damaged, ruined and helpless so how could I answer interview questions like, what are your strengths and weaknesses?; what could you contribute to the company? when I can’t even help myself. I know, I know, compartmentalization, the repeated advice of everyone when it comes to dealing with life. Compartmentalize, separate work from romance, family from work, family from romance and all those matches.  But the thing you have to understand is when dealing with a painful and messy first heart break, compartmentalization is thrown outside the window and for the record, I didn’t care. All I know is my destroyed relationship was worth the wallowing. So that’s what I did, I wallowed in pain, self pity, anger, and all other destructive abstract nouns. For the first few days, I’ve been so angry with God. I asked him time and time again why this had to happen to me. I wasn’t very keen in having a boyfriend during my younger years but when I met my ex boyfriend, it felt so different and I remembered asking God for him. When we were in the midst of arguments and the verge of breaking up, I asked God to make him stay if he was really meant for me, but if not, take him out of my life so it wouldn’t be that difficult, the earlier the better then alas, he stayed, he keeps on coming back. So I thought to myself, okay God, I know now, I know what you’re telling me. He’s the one… until the day he broke up with me. I remembered all my prayers, I even wrote them on a notebook, that’s one of the reasons why I was so mad with God. I was hanging on God's message that he was for me Didn't I prayed to God to give him to me? Why take him back after all these years? All that I know is God led me to believe a wrong message...at least that’s what I thought. I kept on blaming him for every wrong that has happened, I’ve blamed him for all the pain and suffering, I’ve blamed him for my broken heart, time and time again, I blamed him until one day, my anger worn me out. The anger became plain pain. I dropped to my knees and prayed not with an angry voice but with a pleading heart. I asked God for strength, courage and clarity to see things in his eyes; I asked him to show me a way to start my life again. I didn’t know what to do, I can’t keep on living like this, every time I’m idle, pain creeps in. I was planning to enroll in law school but enrollment was a few more weeks and the start of school was a month away. I had nothing else to do but be imprisoned in my situation. I kept on asking God to move and do something for me but days have passed that’s when I thought, he no longer hears my prayers. 

After a few days, I was about to give up on believing that somehow God sees and hears me. Maybe he's mad at me for all those painful words I've told him. Maybe he just want me to learn my lesson by myself and suffer since really, I've inflicted this pain on myself. Maybe he was just too tired of listening and has a lot more important matters to attend to. Maybe, like all other people, he got tired of me. You know, the thing is, God doesn't weigh and classify problems. He doesn't segregate and label them.  He has no file organizer with "important", 'urgent', 'petty', 'not important', 'not to deal with' prayer labels. He listens to all our prayers, whether or not it's big or small in layman's eyes, it's all prayers in God's eyes. We may turn our backs to God but he will always tap our shoulders and ask us to face him again. We may get tired of praying to God, but he doesn't get tired of listening to us. There are no important and unimportant matters, because everyone is a priority. Whether you ask God for a box of chocolates or a cure for heartbreak, a start of a new life, he listens intently. He answers and all we have to do is be patient and listen; accept what God has to say.

The next day I received a phone call from a company where I had my interview when I wasn’t single yet, they were offering me a job in Marketing particularly in events. Take note, this was the third call I received from them, the first two happened weeks prior the break up, they asked me to report then they’d tell me to wait for their call. Finally, after the third, I was really starting my new job. During my first day, I was excited to get away from my room, from the confines that kept on reminding me of my loss. I whispered a prayer of thanks and winked at God as if we had a silent deal, echoing in my mind “I know it was you God, thanks”. Before I entered the office, I left the blubbering mess of a girl at the door, the girl who is about to enter the office is now a matured and sophisticated woman. 

-Chapter 2- next week :)

August 23: Why Not Being in a Relationship is Also Fun

August 23, 2014

A lot of people are afraid of being single. They keep on holding on to a wrong relationship just because they don’t want to be alone and lonely. I’d be brave enough to say that they don’t want to be labeled as “single”. I’ve been in that batch too. I kept holding on to a wrong person just because, I thought life would be gloomier without a love life. There won’t be sweet messages, dates, hugs, kisses and all those stuff included once you’re in a relationship. I’ve once dreaded the single boat but once life gave me no choice, I jumped to that boat and here I am.

At first, it was tough to handle. People looked at me with different speculations why I turned out to be single after years of being in a relationship. Some even thought I’d be grabbing the first guy to show interest just to finally move on. I don’t blame them, in this generation, it’s not impossible. But for the record, I’m not that type. I somehow got the hang of being “just with me” to the point where I could say, I don’t think I’m ready for another relationship… not yet at least.

Why not being in a relationship is fun

No stressful arguments- oh dear, I don’t miss the small painful needles poking through my heart when we argue or have petty fights that last days and hours. I’m better without these. I’m more carefree. I don’t have to decide every now and then if I’d still hold on and fight for the relationship or just walk away. It’s difficult arriving at this crossroad.

No messy break ups (or the threat of break ups)- oh goody! Being single means no one’s going to break up with you and you won’t have the gruesome responsibility of saying “it’s not you, it’s me”. How fun could that be? Being in a relationship is like walking on egg shells. Whether you like it or not, there’s that extra caution with everything you do and with every word you say. It’s like you always have to say the right words so as not to offend your partner and prevent an impending break up (while writing this, I’m like… yes, this is nice. You don’t have to experience this for now. Cool!)  

No contradicting emotions that make you crazy- being in a relationship messes up your emotions big time. You’re mad at your partner but you won’t show it because you’d like him to take the first step of discovering what’s the matter with you and once he ignores you (frankly because he thinks you’re just having your period) you don’t know what to feel, would you be hurt? Angry? or throw something at him, and see if he finally gets a clue… well as it always ends, he still doesn’t then you end up feeling crazy.

Time management won’t be so stressful- working eight hours a day (or more), I don’t think this is ideal to make a relationship work. It would be like being in a long distance relationship but you’re merely kilometers apart. During my rest days, I get to sleep the whole day and rest instead of going out on dates. To say the least, it’s tiring to flatten the humps of roads and pedestrian lanes with our feet. In other words, it’s tiring to walk and walk thinking where to go to then you end up eating at Mcdonalds and staying there for an hour or two thinking, where next?

You get to meet other people- yup, this is surely one of the perks of being single. I don’t have to wonder whether my partner would get hurt or mad with me talking and laughing with other guys. I didn’t have a lot of guy friends before for relationship etiquette reasons but when I became single and finally had guy friends to talk to… let me reiterate that, guy friends- as in platonic in every sense- it’s fun. You get to have a glimpse of what’s going on in a guy’s brain and trust me, they’ve got so much in there. I’ve learned a lot… well, practical things.

You don’t have to knock your brains out thinking of what gift to give on your daysary, weeksary, monthsary or anniversary- it’s so hard to think about something sweet and memorable. Yes, it’s nice at first, there are so many ideas of presents and the like but as years go by, sweet gifts get old. The last thing you know, you’d just purchase anything you see in the department store and make yourself believe “it’s the thought that counts”.

I am not saying that being in a relationship is not fun. Of course it is, the butterflies in your stomach, romantic dates (unless they include dates described above…uhm, no.), big hugs, sweet kisses, surprises, cute text messages, late night phone calls, they are all fun and amazing. What I’m saying is, being single isn’t as bad as it looks like. When you’re single, you get to enjoy your own company, you’d know how fun of a person you really are. As it has been said, being alone doesn’t mean being lonely. Alone time makes you discover who you really are and once you know yourself more, you’d know the type of person who could be your perfect match.