This post will be divided into different chapters since it’s
going to be too long to begin with.
Chapter 1: Mandy Hale Inspired
So this blog post is duly inspired by Mandy Hale, the
wonderful author of “I’ve Never Been to Vegas”. I’ve been reading her book this
past few days and I could say that it hit the nail head on. Her experiences
were very similar with mine but of course, she’s gone through a lot more than I
had but despite that, she emerged stronger and braver.
I thought back to the first time I started this blog. I’ve always divulged that I was writing whatever I felt and had in mind because it was too
much to bear and writing has always been my outlet. But more than that, I would
also like to inspire other people going through some stuff I’ve been. I have
messages to send across. Mind you, it isn’t easy to pour your heart out and
share your pains and trials to everyone. It’s even somewhat embarrassing to let
people know what happened and what’s going on with your life especially when
it’s coming from a deep, dark and painful place. But just like what she wrote,
everything happens for a reason. We were bound to experience what we’ve experienced
in life because we are called to do something big not only for ourselves but
for others too.
The past few blog posts were all about how I’ve pushed
through the walls of heartbreak never did I mentioned about the source of
strength that made me, so much as stand and attack the wall. I’ve taken all the
credit for finally standing on my own two feet and face the new life. The
aforementioned book made me realize this. I haven't given enough credit to God who turned my life upside down in a wonderful and exquisite way. When you thought there's nothing else that's left of you, he starts to show you how you are so much more than what you really think of yourself. So the following paragraphs are
glimpses of how God made my internal chaos very well known as a broken heart turn into strength, courage wisdom and faith.
As you have known, heard or read, my long term boyfriend and
I broke up after several years. It was painful to say the least. I felt like
free falling in space. I didn’t know when my feet would touch the ground. It
was very dramatic at least on my part because I was the one who was left alone
(it’s embarrassing that time but it’s one of the facts that became my stepping
stones). I’ve been crying nonstop for days. I didn’t want to go out of my room,
but because of my friends insistence, I had to. the day after the split, I
had two important job interviews from prestigious companies (since I’m from
a small town, it’s somehow difficult to land interviews from reputable
companies given the struggles in terms of competition and the number of job openings) but I missed both because I just can’t manage a good applicant façade
that time. I was more than broken, I was damaged, ruined and helpless so how
could I answer interview questions like, what are your strengths and
weaknesses?; what could you contribute to the company? when I can’t even help
myself. I know, I know, compartmentalization, the repeated advice of everyone
when it comes to dealing with life. Compartmentalize, separate work from
romance, family from work, family from romance and all those matches. But the thing you have to understand is when
dealing with a painful and messy first heart break, compartmentalization is
thrown outside the window and for the record, I didn’t care. All I know is my
destroyed relationship was worth the wallowing. So that’s what I did, I
wallowed in pain, self pity, anger, and all other destructive abstract nouns.
For the first few days, I’ve been so angry with God. I asked him time and time
again why this had to happen to me. I wasn’t very keen in having a boyfriend
during my younger years but when I met my ex boyfriend, it felt so different and I
remembered asking God for him. When we were in the midst of arguments and the
verge of breaking up, I asked God to make him stay if he was really meant for
me, but if not, take him out of my life so it wouldn’t be that difficult, the
earlier the better then alas, he stayed, he keeps on coming back. So I thought
to myself, okay God, I know now, I know what you’re telling me. He’s the one…
until the day he broke up with me. I remembered all my prayers, I even wrote
them on a notebook, that’s one of the reasons why I was so mad with God. I was hanging on God's message that he was for me Didn't I prayed to God to give him to me? Why take him back after all these years? All that I know is God led
me to believe a wrong message...at least that’s what I thought. I kept on blaming
him for every wrong that has happened, I’ve blamed him for all the pain
and suffering, I’ve blamed him for my broken heart, time and time again, I
blamed him until one day, my anger worn me out. The anger became plain pain. I
dropped to my knees and prayed not with an angry voice but with a pleading
heart. I asked God for strength, courage and clarity to see things in his eyes;
I asked him to show me a way to start my life again. I didn’t know what to do,
I can’t keep on living like this, every time I’m idle, pain creeps in. I was
planning to enroll in law school but enrollment was a few more weeks and the start of school was a month away. I had nothing else to do but be imprisoned in my
situation. I kept on asking God to move and do something for me but days have
passed that’s when I thought, he no longer hears my prayers.
After a few days, I was about to give up on believing that
somehow God sees and hears me. Maybe he's mad at me for all those painful words I've told him. Maybe he just want me to learn my lesson by myself and suffer since really, I've inflicted this pain on myself. Maybe he was just too tired of listening and has a lot more important matters to attend to. Maybe, like all other people, he got tired of me. You know, the thing is, God doesn't weigh and classify problems. He doesn't segregate and label them. He has no file organizer with "important", 'urgent', 'petty', 'not important', 'not to deal with' prayer labels. He listens to all our prayers, whether or not it's big or small in layman's eyes, it's all prayers in God's eyes. We may turn our backs to God but he will always tap our shoulders and ask us to face him again. We may get tired of praying to God, but he doesn't get tired of listening to us. There are no important and unimportant matters, because everyone is a priority. Whether you ask God for a box of chocolates or a cure for heartbreak, a start of a new life, he listens intently. He answers and all we have to do is be patient and listen; accept what God has to say.
The next day I received a phone call from a company where
I had my interview when I wasn’t single yet, they were offering me a job in
Marketing particularly in events. Take note, this was the third call I received
from them, the first two happened weeks prior the break up, they asked me to
report then they’d tell me to wait for their call. Finally, after the third, I
was really starting my new job. During my first day, I was excited to get away
from my room, from the confines that kept on reminding me of my loss. I whispered
a prayer of thanks and winked at God as if we had a silent deal, echoing in my
mind “I know it was you God, thanks”. Before I entered the office, I left the
blubbering mess of a girl at the door, the girl who is about to enter the
office is now a matured and sophisticated woman.
-Chapter 2- next week :)
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