June 12,2014
After more than two weeks of being
separated, we finally talked and got the closure we needed (June 10, 2014). We started with the
regular greetings, “Hi, how are you?”, “I’m fine, you?”, “I’m fine too” then
there was awkward silence. After a minute or two, we started to talk about what
happened to us, how it all fell apart, how it all came crushing down. I didn’t ask for a lot of answers to my
numerous questions, questions that I’ve written on my previous posts because I
knew those answers are deemed to be unnecessary, they won’t matter anymore…
because they won’t change anything.
After the serious talk, we started talking about our lives after the
break up. I’ve talked to him about my work; he talked to me about his plans. It
was a typical conversation… it was OUR typical conversation. Believe it or not,
we even laughed at our silly stories. In my recent post, I told you, there will
be no walking down memory lane, but I guess it’s inevitable. We went through
some of our memories but only the shallow ones. At the end of our conversation,
we had our seven last words to each other (this may sound dramatic to everyone
but it’s a way to end the relationship in good terms). Yes, we are in good
terms but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.
We talked about being friends that
may someday, we’d get to talk about our lives over coffee, go to movies with
other friends, and all the stuff that friends usually do. I wanted that too
because before everything came to a halt, we were the best of friends. We run
to each other for support, I run to him for advice. He may not know this but
his various trivia about the world, the galaxy and the solar system and even
his jokes make me so much better and happier after a long and depressing day. It’s
difficult to let go of the relationship but it is way more difficult to let go
of the friendship. I remember people telling me that I could never be friends
with an ex but I think they’re wrong. I could be friends with him only when I stop
hoping that someday, we’d still be together. We could be friends only when I finally
accept the painful fact that it’s over and when I stop crying myself to sleep
or waking up in the wee hours of the morning just to cry. We could be friends only when I let go of him
completely. I kept on telling myself “he let me go easily, he doesn’t love me
anymore” but it doesn’t make the hope go away, it just adds to my pain. Could
we still be friends in this lifetime?
It
hurts so much after the closure but the hurt already makes sense. Closure
doesn’t make the rest of the feelings go away, actually it even fueled the love
but it also fueled the pain at least on my part. I got to talk to him again
like we weren’t separated, like it was just like before, like everything was
okay. I indulged myself in his company again that I forgot I was hurting that’s
why afterwards, the pain was too much to bear. I felt like I was back to square
one. In the morning at work before the
talk, it was a challenge for me to alleviate myself from the impending
situation I had to face in the afternoon. I was so nervous and uneasy because I
felt like when I get to see him again, I’d fall all over again, I’d agonize
myself all over again. I thought I was ready… I really thought I was, but now I
realized that closure should be asked when you are ready and not when you WANT
to be ready.
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