Okay so after a long deliberation with myself, I’ve decided to write a post for today.
For the past few days, I’ve been
thinking about the meeting that many people have been talking about. My friends
told me that in order for me to totally move forward, we should have that
dreaded talk called closure. At first, all I knew was, I didn’t want to see
him, I didn’t want to talk to him or merely be near him… it was the pain
talking. But it’s been two weeks and I think I’m sedated enough to have a civil
talk. Does this mean I’m not hurting anymore? No. I don’t think that the pain
would just go away in an instant. I don’t even believe that it could go away in
weeks or months. The wound is so deep that all I could do is get used to the
pain. I don’t even think it could heal any time soon, but at this moment, I
feel like I’m ready to leave some things behind me. Just some things because I believe
that this process needs time, it’s not a one-time thing, it’s not like you stop
feeling, you stop hurting overnight (I hope it was that easy).
I wrote because my thoughts are
vague regarding that closure. I wanted to let it out and know what’s on my
mind. First, I don’t know how to react once I see him again. This is one reason
I wanted to have that closure. We’re living on the same city so there’s a great
chance of us passing by each other and that would be totally awkward and
painful on my part since it’ll be the first time I’d seen him after the breakup,
if ever. I’m preventing myself from an “it’s all coming back to me” scenario,
given that I’d surely be caught off guard. I needed this closure since I could
prepare myself for the worst. After this, maybe when we see each other at the
mall, there’d be stings but the intensity won’t be that long lasting anymore.
It’s all about preparation. Second, how do we start the conversation? How
awkward and strange could it be? Should I ask him how he is? Would he ask me
the same? Then what? There are no manuals or handbooks on how to start a
freaking closure (*wishful thinking * maybe after this, I’d write one). After the small talks, how could we delve
into our failed relationship matters? Have I mentioned it’ll be awkward? But I promised
myself there would be no walking down memory lane. As far as I’m concerned,
memory lane is blocked, closed. Third, I don’t know if he already has someone
new in his life. I mean, come on, I’m being realistic here. I don’t want to be
the cause of one of their upcoming arguments. The thing is, if ever there’s
really someone, I’d respect what they
have and trust me, I don’t want to be the crazy ex-girlfriend portrayed in
films. I won’t deign to that level. My point is, I need this. I’d like to end
the relationship the way it deserves its ending. Almost five years of being
together must not just be ended through a text message or a facebook message. If
ever, they’re already together, I hope the girl understands this. Lastly, am I
still hoping of getting us back together? I’m not going to lie. Sometimes, that
thought passes through my mind but I don’t really want to acknowledge it. Hope
could be your best friend but sometimes, it has to be your worst enemy and
right now, I’m against it. I don’t want
to hope anymore, or wish for that matter. It’s not worth it, it’s not real, and
it’s never going to happen because it’s over. He killed the relationship, he
killed the girl he used to have feelings for, and he killed the girl I used to
be.
After days of succumbing to fears of
seeing him, hearing him or being near him again, I think I’m ready. It’s going
to hurt, it’s going to hurt badly but I’d survive. I don’t know what would
happen next. Would I go back to square one? Or I’d move 5 steps forward. I’m
ready to take a risk because I knew I’d do anything just to move forward. If I have
to talk to him and know some things I know has the power to destroy me, then so
be it. It’ll pass. I don’t when, I don’t know how long it will take but it will
pass… they will pass.
I’m ready but it doesn’t mean I’m
not scared. I am, oh how the Lord knows how scared I am but this needs to
happen. I hope that the future me would thank myself for this. It takes a large
amount of courage and strength to get through this. Out of all the
conversations I had in my life, this is the most difficult one.
This afternoon, I was looking at
the pictures of us together. We didn’t have that much but they were enough to
bring back the tears at the corner of my eyes.
My friends told me to stop looking at the photos, but I told them that
it’s okay. I’m looking forward to the day that when I take a look at these, I won’t
be feeling the same anymore and maybe I could have the strength and courage to
once and for all, delete them. I’ll look
at them if I need to, not because I’m hindering myself from moving on but
because I’m getting used to the idea that at the end of the day, they will be
the last photos of us that we’ll ever have.
Many people are asking me, do I
still love him? I told them, would there be a difference? No, so it doesn’t
matter. Love during this time doesn’t matter anymore. I didn’t think it even
mattered in the first place, at least for him.
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