June 1, 2014
It’s been a week since we broke up. For some, this is not
very much eventful, but for me, this is an accomplishment. I no longer bawl
myself to sleep. I feel sad, it’s true. A broken heart isn’t just mended in
days or weeks time especially when the love was true.
“He doesn’t love me anymore, he has found another”- this has
been my mantra for the past seven days. It didn’t get me anywhere but my room
then I’d just start to cry…silently this time. They told me to bombard myself
with the truth and so I did. It didn’t make me feel any better. Well, I don’t
think it was meant to make me feel better. It made me wake up from the thought
that I was just still dreaming. Newsflash! I’m awake but it doesn’t make it hurt any
less. When accepting something painful, there would always be questions, doubts,
and the prominent, fear of the unknown. Questions like, how can I accept such
painful truth?; when can I be able to accept it?. Doubts would cloud your mind,
Am I really suppose to accept it?; Is it really the truth?. Then suddenly, your
mind starts to wander to uncharted territories, fear is triggered. The tricky
part is you have no idea what that fear is. Then the dreading question you’d
try to answer is, “What happens next?” You don’t have any idea what’s about to
come. Would you stop feeling pain or would it last longer than you expected? It’s
like entering a jungle, would you be attacked? Would you get lost? Or would you
get out unscathed? Many of you may think, where is she getting at? My point is,
acceptance doesn’t come easy. It’s not like, you slap yourself with the truth
then the next day you accept it. It’s indeed very difficult to accept a sad
truth, because if it wasn’t, then it’s not the truth at all.
During these early times of trying to move on, acceptance
has been one of my greatest endeavors. As I’ve said, it’s not easy. He was my
first love. I loved him since I was 16. Mind you, before I met him, I was
driven to not trust guys. It’s just that I always felt like, I’ll just be
cheated on, I’ll be lied to, I’ll get hurt. But for him, I didn’t know what has
gotten into me, but I let him in, I gave him my beloved trust. When I was 16,
he had hurt my feelings time and time again without him knowing. He tried to
push me away, with the reason that we’re just two different worlds and that we
weren’t meant. I tried my best to move away; I tried but the fighter in me just
wouldn’t stop because I knew he’d be the only guy who’s worth every smile,
every tear, every joy and every pain ( Some of you may be shaking their heads
now, but once you felt he’s worth it, you’d fight for it too). We fell in love.
We were together when I was 17. People may think, it’s just puppy love, but for
me it was love, just pure love. We were together for almost five years and then
just one day, I woke up, and all my dreams were shattered. I tried so hard to
keep my heart together but there was nothing I could do, it broke, it continued
to break until the last piece. So I’m wondering, is one week enough to accept
everything? Is one week enough to accept that the only guy you’ve given your
heart to your whole life just left? I don’t think so.
They told me that acceptance is a choice, but I’d be brave enough
today to rebut this statement. Acceptance isn’t a choice, because a choice is
something one wants and is willing to do. A person could say he chooses to
accept his pain, yes he is willing, but I’d doubt if he really wants to. It
comes down to, what choice do I have? You end up with nothing to compete with
the idea of accepting the situation. You’d say, the other choice would be not
to accept, but not accepting means another set of consequences. Choices are
given because options are on the same level. That’s why it’s difficult to
choose because you’d win something but you lose something of the same
importance too. Accepting isn’t a choice, it’s sadly an imperative, it’s necessary;
it’s a command of nature. There is no other way, there isn’t any other choice.
I’d be a hypocrite to say I’ve accepted everything that is
needed to be accepted, but I’m getting there. I can’t say that when you start
to accept it’ll be easier to move on but I think it’s a start. I think, I won’t
be able to accept it soon enough, but I will… eventually.
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