August 1: When you've finally moved on

August 1, 2014

When you‘ve finally moved on…

You’ll lay your head on the pillow while your mind wanders into space outside the boundaries which you have caged yourself in. You’ll sleep, yes, you’ll finally get some needed sleep thinking of the things you have to look forward to the next day- projects, presentations, or events, nothing that concerns your previous heart break. You’ll no longer fear mornings. You’ll wake up without a stabbing pain or even just a pinch in your chest. You’ll take a shower without taking too long and thinking of what could have been until your fingers become prunes. You’ll groom yourself without smudging your make up because of unbidden tears. You’ll choose a shade of your eye shadow without thinking if he’d like it or not. You’ll choose it because that’s the color YOU like. You’ll dress up in your suit, mix and match anything on your wardrobe. You’d want to look your best, not because you think he might see you but because you feel comfortable and confident in those clothes.

When you‘ve finally moved on…
On the way to work, you won’t think about how once upon a time you used to pass along that street. You won’t reminisce the laughs and those silly jokes you’ve shared along the sidewalk anymore. If ever you do, you’ll just smile and keep those jokes in mind so you could share them to others.  When you’re at work, you’ll be busy because of all the work you have to do and not because you force yourself to do all things, even those tasks outside your job description just so you could be free of all the bombarding thoughts of your break up.  You’ll take those days off because you’d want to stay at home, watch TV, sleep and all those trivial things you’ve been doing prior the break up. You’ll want to be normal again.

When you ‘ve finally moved on…
You’ll no longer feel the need to see him. You won’t long to hold him in your arms anymore. You’ll forget how his hair feels on your fingertips. You’ll forget how soft his lips are or how gentle his caresses are.  You won’t remember the comfort his presence was to you.  You’ll forget how his hand fits yours.  You’ll forget to think about him every now and then.  You’ll forget to remember that once, you had someone who meant the world to you… or maybe you won’t… but then it wouldn’t bother you that much anymore.

When you ‘ve finally moved on…
You’ll no longer long for reconciliation. When the thought of getting back together crosses your mind, you no longer feel a spark of hope that maybe, just maybe you could. You’ll stop thinking about all the opportunities you should have seized to make him come back and if you’re lucky enough, you’ll tap yourself on the back and tell yourself “good thing you didn’t take the bait”.  You wouldn’t want to go through everything again. You’re fine by yourself.

When you ‘ve finally moved on…
You’re happiness is no longer dependent on what you have or what you don’t. You’ll learn to stop worrying about things you can’t control. Your peace of mind comes from within and not from without. You’ll stop talking about him and asking people for their opinions about how he feels, what do you think he’s doing and all those things you want answers to. You’ll stop wanting other people to tell you things you just want to hear to get through the day. You wouldn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore because you’d be too busy  thinking about what to do with your own life. You’ll start to listen to what your heart says. You’ll understand that the tranquility of oneself doesn’t come from the voices heard by the ears, but it comes from the melody heard by your own heart. 

When you’ve finally moved on…
You’ll understand and accept that love changes people and so do heart breaks. You’ll see yourself in a new light. You’ll finally let go of the girl you once were. You’ll enjoy your independence not because you have to, but because you want to. You’ll forget the girl who was drowning in her insecurities just because she felt that no one wanted to be with her, inculcating in herself that she isn’t good enough. You’ll understand that nothing could be enough for someone who doesn’t know how to be satisfied. You’ll go on thinking that maybe, you’re not the only one liable for the fall out.

When you’ve finally moved on…
You’ll forgive yourself for all the things you’ve done and for all the things you didn’t do. You’ll understand that everything was how it was supposed to be. Eventually, you’ll forgive him too, you’ll forgive him for leaving your heart in ruins. But you’ll realize that it’s not his fault. The culprit is love with the heart as its accomplice. Love is so fickle that it changes over time that leaves you wondering what’s happening now. It changes drastically that it won’t give you time to prepare or predict what’s about to come.  You’ll forgive him because you know both of you were just victims in the tricky game of life and love.

When you’ve finally moved on…
You’ll stop asking questions, you’ll stop searching for answers. You won’t want to know what really happened, why it needs to happen… you’ll stop wanting to know because at the end of the day, those answers won’t mean a thing. At this point, it’s unnecessary to know because you’ve finally accepted that those won’t change anything. Right now, you wouldn’t want to change anything at all anymore.

When you’ve finally moved on…
You’ll thank him. You’ll thank him for causing you so much pain in the past because without that experience, you won’t emerge as someone you are right now. Without him breaking your heart, you won’t see yourself as someone ordinary but precious, delicate but invincible. You’ll thank him for without him setting you free, you will be forever hampered to become someone less of who you are meant to be. Without him letting you go, you won't know how strong and brave you could be; you won't know how courageous you are in the face of tragedy; you won't know that you can survive all by yourself. You’ll thank him for being a catalyst of discovering lessons and insights in life and in love that you would not have known should you have stayed in a dying relationship. 

When you’ve finally moved on…
You’ll know it. That would be the day you wake up and everything’s clear. You wake up then feel different. When you let go of everything about him with all your heart and with a genuine smile that’s when you know, you’ve finally moved on.

July 25: The Turning Point

July 25, 2014

Today marks the second month of my new life. I’m happy and I’m thriving to be ultimately happy. Yes, I am still alone but I’m not lonely. I’ve crossed the bridge, the bridge I once dreaded to step on or even to look at or think about. I’ve crossed it and this I could call my breakthrough or my turning point.

 I’d go far as to say I’m better, wiser and stronger. Incidentally, this is something I did not expect from myself at least this early. I thought, when the second month comes, I’d still be the same. I’d still feel so much pain. You have to understand that at first, it felt like everywhere was a dead end. There were no detours, but if there were, they’d still lead to more dead ends.

I thought there won’t be an end to my misery. Days felt like months and it’s so difficult to stand tall when everything inside you wants to bow because of the pain. I thought, I won’t forget the happy and painful memories. I once believed I can’t go another month without the person who once meant the world to me. I thought I’d be forever lost because the love that was anchoring me just let me go.

Surprisingly, amidst all my endeavors, I still emerged triumphant. I know only some of you would be convinced that I’m finally getting there if I’m not there yet. Some of you are probably skeptical of what I’m saying here. I can’t blame you. I do know for a fact that love just doesn’t come and go easily. Letting go is not just a matter of two months given all my previous posts about how devastated I was. I am not trying to deceive you, all I’m trying to say is I’m no longer the girl with a damaged heart, just the girl with a splintered heart. There’s an improvement. The pain isn’t as intense as it was before. I stopped crying and grieving and if ever my mind wanders to the times in the past, it doesn’t bother me that much. I don’t think I love him anymore. People told me, it wasn’t that easy to banish love, but if there is still love that remains in me, it isn’t enough. He finally lost me too.

I’m happy in this place where I am right now. It wasn’t a walk in the park but it’s a worthwhile walk altogether. I’m not saying I don’t think about it every once in a while. I still do, but now with a new and profound view. I’m glad it was over between us. I discovered so much about myself that I doubt I would if I was still with him. I love myself more right now. I’ve come to embrace the possibility that no one could ever hurt me as much as I was hurt before or if someone might attempt to, I know, I’d still survive in the end.  I finally realize and understand that I deserve someone who may not better (since I don’t really want comparisons) but someone who’d stay through all the good and the tough times. Someone who’d stay and really mean it because now I discovered I’m capable of staying too. 

She crossed the bridge

She finally forgot...

July 18: Aftermath Realizations

July 18, 2014

All this time, I was known for being the outgoing, cheerful and laid back kind of girl. Even my mom thought I was an easy go lucky type. I really hope I saw myself that way when I’m in the midst of my solitude. But no, it’s just not the case.

As a matter of fact, I’m the all-things-should-be-thought-and planned-before-execution kind. I got used to the idea that everything should be analyzed over and over again just to be sure. I used to write all the pros and cons on a sheet of paper then think of all the consequences each option could have then decide from there. It’s like my life has always been based on a flowchart. It’s like my everyday is conceptualized by how well I managed yesterday’s business. Everything should be run through my head first before anything else… even my emotions. Is it proper that I start to get mad? Is it proper to cry already? Should this hurt? Should this make me happy? Must I show that I appreciate a certain gesture? Should I look shock now? I may seem like a robot to you given that I seem “programmed”. I wasn’t born that way obviously, it’s just that I got used to it. Don’t I act on impulse? I do, and that’s the reason I keep telling myself to think and analyze everything first before I act because my impulses are stupid or the best way to put it is, they make me look stupid.

Moreover, I’m a complete control freak. Everything should be in order, everything should be as planned. I may have an eye for remedial management but as much as possible I don’t want anything to obstruct all my plans. I know, I know, life is not always smooth sailing and all that but I still think that when all things are arranged and you have plan B-Z for back up, everything’s going to be alright.

Everything was A-okay…that was before life decided to execute its little trick on me. Life really has a wicked sense of humor. Funnily enough, I was at the receiving end.

As I’ve said, I’ve been used to taking control of my life, that’s the reason why my life was going at the direction I’ve always planned. Everything was properly schemed. I trusted my plans, I trusted people to make those plans come to life. But then, I trusted too much. Trust takes some pinches of dependency, and given that I was an independent woman, I was blindsided because I never knew that the trust holding my plans together was the same trust that would destroy me, and everything I had in mind.

Being off balanced would be an understatement; I was completely out of the wire. I felt like free falling. I kept on waiting for the time my feet would touch the ground.

After the catastrophe, I took a strong hold of my life. I took a mental note of everything that was happening. I was analyzing every detail of my life just for me to understand what went wrong. I was desperate to understand where things start to come undone. I was desperate for answers so I won’t have to make the same mistakes twice. But then, in my search for all those whys, I went home empty handed but with a heart full of burdensome emotions I can’t event start to sort, but with experience in controlling emotions, I believed I’ve handled them quite well.

Unfortunately, I came to a point when my control broke. It was difficult to hold everything in. I was an active volcano then, anytime, I could explode. There was like surging lava inside me and I just can’t seem to take a hold of it, until such time I decided to talk to my mom.

I wasn’t the type to show emotions to my family. In their eyes, I was the achiever, I was the easy going, confident girl who topped her exams and who just wants to stay in her room and read books may it be for academic purposes or for leisure. But they don’t care as long as I was a reading a book. So when I started talking to my mom. I was crying in front of her and I told her how hard it is to go on a day and think of how unworthy I was because I discovered my castle was made up of sand. I kept on telling her that everything was going according to plan but then one day, everything was going on the opposite direction and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. She was just sitting across me stunned. I could not shock her more than she already was. These were her words: “it didn’t occur to me how negative you are, I’ve always pegged you as a confident and happy person. But never did I imagine how harsh you are to yourself. Enjoy your life, be young because you are, just go with the flow.”

Then it hit me really hard, I was so busy taking control that I forgot to live my life. Realizations hit me head on and I’ve never been so thankful. These are the things I’ve learned:

Stop controlling everything in your life because it will wear you out and eventually frustrate and disappoint you because you’ll realize that it’s an elusive thing to do. It’s like pushing a wall, it doesn’t take you anywhere but it exhausts everything in you.

If it’s meant to happen, it will happen. Beautiful things do not happen by force or control, they happen when you learn to let go of the urge to become their puppeteer. 

You don’t need to plan everything in life, you don’t need to analyze those bits of details, and life isn’t a big test to be prepared for every time. The problem is, we worry too much. We indulge ourselves in preparing for a battle that doesn’t exist. We build forts around us without realizing that those walls impede us from seeing how our lives should be; we impede ourselves from seeing how beautiful our lives could be.

Lastly, go with the flow. I know, this has been the most popular cliché when opening the book of how to live your life but this is one of the truest things that one has to do. Sometimes being brilliant means knowing when not to think. Just learn to feel, and embrace everything life has to offer because that’s the only way you could see and understand why some things have to happen in your life.

She loved who she was before

July 13: Do not give up love, not unless love has given up on you

July 13,2014

Having been in a long term relationship once, there are a lot of lessons that have been gained, challenges that were faced, problems that were solved. Once you learn to fight for what and who you love, that’s the time you’ll understand what it means to stay and be in love. 

This is the reason why I do not understand people who just throw away love because of petty misunderstandings. They always tell me that they do love their partner so much but after a day or two break up because of simple things. Some of their reasons were they just don’t get along anymore, they do not have time for each other, they are taken for granted and all those petty matters. People may be raising their eyebrows or scheming a way to get back at me because I’ve been belittling the reasons why most couples break up but I know those reasons deserve to be belittled. 

We got through all those problems too so I know what I’m talking about. We broke up once too because I thought I was taken for granted but then when you realize that both of you just lack communication which is essential in a relationship, you’ll then see that your love for each other is stronger than your problems. 

I’ve been with friends who were on the verge of breaking up because of the problems stated above and for those of you who are going through the same path, not only to make you feel better but also to make you realize that you are one lucky person to experience such mundane situation; I’d tell you, I’ll give anything just to be in your place and not in mine. 

I know that it’s difficult getting through misunderstanding and misconceptions, that’s why they’re called challenges, problems because they are complicated and they are meant to be solved.  Why do I look so confident saying that they’re easier to overcome? It’s because, I believe that they are not enough grounds to give up love. 

Where am I getting at? The pain brought by simple misunderstandings couldn’t compare to the pain of someone who used to love you so much but left because he no longer feels the same. In this situation, there’s no turning back because two essential things in a relationship are lost: the love from the person who left and trust from the person who was left behind. Those things are not easy to take back. As I’ve said a while ago, I would give anything to have misunderstandings and taken for granted issues any day as long as the love is there, just unexpressed. Trust me, it’s easier.

 What binds the relationship is the brewing love of two persons. Now, for those of you who feel neglected by your partner but you know that you still love each other; don’t ever think that you will no longer fix that. As long as the love is there, the trust is present; everything will fall to its place. Once you know that the relationship is worth fighting for, then go for it.

Given what I’ve been through, here are some pieces of advice for everyone who feels like giving up just because they no longer get along with the person they love.

1.      1. Stop throwing away love like it’s just a bag of garbage. Think before you do something as stupid as that. It’s not easy to find love because not everyone is privileged enough to find something worth fighting for. Appreciate what you have because once it’s lost, you could never get it back again. DO NOT GIVE UP LOVE, NOT UNLESS LOVE HAS GIVEN UP ON YOU.

2.      2. Communicate. You feel neglected, tell your partner; you feel unhappy with the relationship but you still love your partner, tell him/her. Communicating how you feel is one manifestation that you want the relationship to work. You can’t just wait for them to discover how you feel especially when you act otherwise. If you’re hurt, tell them so they would know and they could do something about it.

3.    3.  Love. Love because it’s the most beautiful thing that a person could experience. If you found someone who loves you just as much as you love him/her, don’t let each other go. Don’t go through  the process of losing someone if you could do something so as not to. Love, because not everyone is lucky enough to love and be loved.  

July 12: TIME is your greatest enemy yet it’s also your greatest healer.

July 12,2014

It’s been a long time since I’ve written something on this blog. For those who are curious, nope, I’m not TOTALLY over it. It’s almost 2 months after the break up. I won’t say that it doesn’t hurt anymore, it does but not that much as the first few weeks. It’s true, when dealing with heartbreaks, TIME is your greatest enemy yet it’s also your greatest healer.

 Time heals almost all wounds of the past.

This morning, I was thinking about the future, I was thinking about my future. I caught myself smiling because I saw a girl laughing a genuine laugh. I was free to do anything and be whoever I want to be. I saw myself meeting new people because I knew I was ready to do so. I saw myself no longer in pain, sleeping soundly without hurting every time I woke up. I saw a better version of me, I saw my future self. I looked back. Who was I a month ago?  I was wallowing in my room thinking how undeserving I am of his kind of situation. All I could think of was it was all unfair. My spirit was crushed, I even thought that I was just dreaming the whole time. There were thousands of questions running through my mind. What happened? Why does this have to happen? Everything was gray, everything was dark. I thought that I would always be like that. I thought I won’t be able to talk to other people without crying my heart out. But right now, I go to work and talk and laugh with my officemates. I go out with friends and have a nice night with them. Of course, at the end of the day, I still think about my fallen relationship but at least, I get my much needed sleep.  Time makes me stronger as it passes…

…But sometimes, time makes me weaker too.

Reality always comes to me with a bang. It hurts because I know it will take long for me to achieve the state I wanted to be in. I still have to go through all the process of moving on. I still have to experience everything, all strands of hurt, all feelings of anger, betrayal and frustration… everything. As much as I want to avoid all these feelings, they seem to haunt me every time I dodge them. If I had a prayer to be granted today, it would be that time would go faster than usual. I want to let the pain go away. I want the entire burden to be dislodged from me. I’d like to increase the speed of the process and be the person I saw in my day dream. I’d like to be the girl people would talk about: “she’s the girl who got her heart shattered ,  but look at her, she looks brand new, she looks happy and she really is.” But I know, that’s one elusive thing to ask. I keep on inculcating in myself that after this I’d emerge stronger and wiser because wisdom cannot be learned or gained overnight. Wisdom is most often than not gained from experiences, especially the painful ones.

 But for the record, I’m doing just fine as of the moment. I’m enjoying the life with my friends and family. It still bothers me but it doesn’t hurt that much. I’m getting through just fine. I’m starting to enjoy my single life, meet new people, know who I really am and I guess that’s the important thing in moving forward; that in that painful process, you gain some lessons, you redeem yourself and eventually, you understand who you really are and who you’re meant to be.