My Broken Heart was My Path To a Deeper Relationship with God

This post will be divided into different chapters since it’s going to be too long to begin with.

Chapter 1: Mandy Hale Inspired

So this blog post is duly inspired by Mandy Hale, the wonderful author of “I’ve Never Been to Vegas”. I’ve been reading her book this past few days and I could say that it hit the nail head on. Her experiences were very similar with mine but of course, she’s gone through a lot more than I had but despite that, she emerged stronger and braver.

I thought back to the first time I started this blog. I’ve always divulged that I was writing whatever I felt and had in mind because it was too much to bear and writing has always been my outlet. But more than that, I would also like to inspire other people going through some stuff I’ve been. I have messages to send across. Mind you, it isn’t easy to pour your heart out and share your pains and trials to everyone. It’s even somewhat embarrassing to let people know what happened and what’s going on with your life especially when it’s coming from a deep, dark and painful place. But just like what she wrote, everything happens for a reason. We were bound to experience what we’ve experienced in life because we are called to do something big not only for ourselves but for others too.

The past few blog posts were all about how I’ve pushed through the walls of heartbreak never did I mentioned about the source of strength that made me, so much as stand and attack the wall. I’ve taken all the credit for finally standing on my own two feet and face the new life. The aforementioned book made me realize this. I haven't given enough credit to God who turned my life upside down in a wonderful and exquisite way. When you thought there's nothing else that's left of you, he starts to show you how you are so much more than what you really think of yourself. So the following paragraphs are glimpses of how God made my internal chaos very well known as a broken heart turn into strength, courage wisdom and faith.

As you have known, heard or read, my long term boyfriend and I broke up after several years. It was painful to say the least. I felt like free falling in space. I didn’t know when my feet would touch the ground. It was very dramatic at least on my part because I was the one who was left alone (it’s embarrassing that time but it’s one of the facts that became my stepping stones). I’ve been crying nonstop for days. I didn’t want to go out of my room, but because of my friends insistence, I had to. the day after the split, I had two important job interviews from prestigious companies (since I’m from a small town, it’s somehow difficult to land interviews from reputable companies given the struggles in terms of competition and the number of job openings) but I missed both because I just can’t manage a good applicant façade that time. I was more than broken, I was damaged, ruined and helpless so how could I answer interview questions like, what are your strengths and weaknesses?; what could you contribute to the company? when I can’t even help myself. I know, I know, compartmentalization, the repeated advice of everyone when it comes to dealing with life. Compartmentalize, separate work from romance, family from work, family from romance and all those matches.  But the thing you have to understand is when dealing with a painful and messy first heart break, compartmentalization is thrown outside the window and for the record, I didn’t care. All I know is my destroyed relationship was worth the wallowing. So that’s what I did, I wallowed in pain, self pity, anger, and all other destructive abstract nouns. For the first few days, I’ve been so angry with God. I asked him time and time again why this had to happen to me. I wasn’t very keen in having a boyfriend during my younger years but when I met my ex boyfriend, it felt so different and I remembered asking God for him. When we were in the midst of arguments and the verge of breaking up, I asked God to make him stay if he was really meant for me, but if not, take him out of my life so it wouldn’t be that difficult, the earlier the better then alas, he stayed, he keeps on coming back. So I thought to myself, okay God, I know now, I know what you’re telling me. He’s the one… until the day he broke up with me. I remembered all my prayers, I even wrote them on a notebook, that’s one of the reasons why I was so mad with God. I was hanging on God's message that he was for me Didn't I prayed to God to give him to me? Why take him back after all these years? All that I know is God led me to believe a wrong message...at least that’s what I thought. I kept on blaming him for every wrong that has happened, I’ve blamed him for all the pain and suffering, I’ve blamed him for my broken heart, time and time again, I blamed him until one day, my anger worn me out. The anger became plain pain. I dropped to my knees and prayed not with an angry voice but with a pleading heart. I asked God for strength, courage and clarity to see things in his eyes; I asked him to show me a way to start my life again. I didn’t know what to do, I can’t keep on living like this, every time I’m idle, pain creeps in. I was planning to enroll in law school but enrollment was a few more weeks and the start of school was a month away. I had nothing else to do but be imprisoned in my situation. I kept on asking God to move and do something for me but days have passed that’s when I thought, he no longer hears my prayers. 

After a few days, I was about to give up on believing that somehow God sees and hears me. Maybe he's mad at me for all those painful words I've told him. Maybe he just want me to learn my lesson by myself and suffer since really, I've inflicted this pain on myself. Maybe he was just too tired of listening and has a lot more important matters to attend to. Maybe, like all other people, he got tired of me. You know, the thing is, God doesn't weigh and classify problems. He doesn't segregate and label them.  He has no file organizer with "important", 'urgent', 'petty', 'not important', 'not to deal with' prayer labels. He listens to all our prayers, whether or not it's big or small in layman's eyes, it's all prayers in God's eyes. We may turn our backs to God but he will always tap our shoulders and ask us to face him again. We may get tired of praying to God, but he doesn't get tired of listening to us. There are no important and unimportant matters, because everyone is a priority. Whether you ask God for a box of chocolates or a cure for heartbreak, a start of a new life, he listens intently. He answers and all we have to do is be patient and listen; accept what God has to say.

The next day I received a phone call from a company where I had my interview when I wasn’t single yet, they were offering me a job in Marketing particularly in events. Take note, this was the third call I received from them, the first two happened weeks prior the break up, they asked me to report then they’d tell me to wait for their call. Finally, after the third, I was really starting my new job. During my first day, I was excited to get away from my room, from the confines that kept on reminding me of my loss. I whispered a prayer of thanks and winked at God as if we had a silent deal, echoing in my mind “I know it was you God, thanks”. Before I entered the office, I left the blubbering mess of a girl at the door, the girl who is about to enter the office is now a matured and sophisticated woman. 

-Chapter 2- next week :)

August 23: Why Not Being in a Relationship is Also Fun

August 23, 2014

A lot of people are afraid of being single. They keep on holding on to a wrong relationship just because they don’t want to be alone and lonely. I’d be brave enough to say that they don’t want to be labeled as “single”. I’ve been in that batch too. I kept holding on to a wrong person just because, I thought life would be gloomier without a love life. There won’t be sweet messages, dates, hugs, kisses and all those stuff included once you’re in a relationship. I’ve once dreaded the single boat but once life gave me no choice, I jumped to that boat and here I am.

At first, it was tough to handle. People looked at me with different speculations why I turned out to be single after years of being in a relationship. Some even thought I’d be grabbing the first guy to show interest just to finally move on. I don’t blame them, in this generation, it’s not impossible. But for the record, I’m not that type. I somehow got the hang of being “just with me” to the point where I could say, I don’t think I’m ready for another relationship… not yet at least.

Why not being in a relationship is fun

No stressful arguments- oh dear, I don’t miss the small painful needles poking through my heart when we argue or have petty fights that last days and hours. I’m better without these. I’m more carefree. I don’t have to decide every now and then if I’d still hold on and fight for the relationship or just walk away. It’s difficult arriving at this crossroad.

No messy break ups (or the threat of break ups)- oh goody! Being single means no one’s going to break up with you and you won’t have the gruesome responsibility of saying “it’s not you, it’s me”. How fun could that be? Being in a relationship is like walking on egg shells. Whether you like it or not, there’s that extra caution with everything you do and with every word you say. It’s like you always have to say the right words so as not to offend your partner and prevent an impending break up (while writing this, I’m like… yes, this is nice. You don’t have to experience this for now. Cool!)  

No contradicting emotions that make you crazy- being in a relationship messes up your emotions big time. You’re mad at your partner but you won’t show it because you’d like him to take the first step of discovering what’s the matter with you and once he ignores you (frankly because he thinks you’re just having your period) you don’t know what to feel, would you be hurt? Angry? or throw something at him, and see if he finally gets a clue… well as it always ends, he still doesn’t then you end up feeling crazy.

Time management won’t be so stressful- working eight hours a day (or more), I don’t think this is ideal to make a relationship work. It would be like being in a long distance relationship but you’re merely kilometers apart. During my rest days, I get to sleep the whole day and rest instead of going out on dates. To say the least, it’s tiring to flatten the humps of roads and pedestrian lanes with our feet. In other words, it’s tiring to walk and walk thinking where to go to then you end up eating at Mcdonalds and staying there for an hour or two thinking, where next?

You get to meet other people- yup, this is surely one of the perks of being single. I don’t have to wonder whether my partner would get hurt or mad with me talking and laughing with other guys. I didn’t have a lot of guy friends before for relationship etiquette reasons but when I became single and finally had guy friends to talk to… let me reiterate that, guy friends- as in platonic in every sense- it’s fun. You get to have a glimpse of what’s going on in a guy’s brain and trust me, they’ve got so much in there. I’ve learned a lot… well, practical things.

You don’t have to knock your brains out thinking of what gift to give on your daysary, weeksary, monthsary or anniversary- it’s so hard to think about something sweet and memorable. Yes, it’s nice at first, there are so many ideas of presents and the like but as years go by, sweet gifts get old. The last thing you know, you’d just purchase anything you see in the department store and make yourself believe “it’s the thought that counts”.

I am not saying that being in a relationship is not fun. Of course it is, the butterflies in your stomach, romantic dates (unless they include dates described above…uhm, no.), big hugs, sweet kisses, surprises, cute text messages, late night phone calls, they are all fun and amazing. What I’m saying is, being single isn’t as bad as it looks like. When you’re single, you get to enjoy your own company, you’d know how fun of a person you really are. As it has been said, being alone doesn’t mean being lonely. Alone time makes you discover who you really are and once you know yourself more, you’d know the type of person who could be your perfect match.

August 16: My heartbreak was one of the best things that ever happened to me

August 16, 2014

When I was going through my tough break up, I’ve always been repulsed by how unfair life and love could be to me. I was in a stage where my mornings were dreadful, my nights were eerie.  I didn’t want to go out of my room; all I wanted was to be swallowed in my solitude.  I came to the point when I was so mad at myself for dreaming that he’d come back and suddenly wake up feeling alone and lonely. It’s like all my ideals of how my life and future could be all went to waste. To say I was devastated is an understatement; I was ruined, I was damaged and there was nothing I could do about it. I succumbed to my weakness and frailty. The logical part of my brain was not working at that time, all I could feel was pain, betrayal, anger and self-pity and these aren’t a good combination to say the least.  Never has it crossed my mind that my break up was the best thing that could ever happen to me, it’s true.

At a time, all I thought was I was secured. I was sure that I would never be alone ever again. I was sure that while people around me are throwing all their love away, I was on my zone keeping what I thought was my constant; keeping what was mine. When I thought I couldn’t imagine myself without him, I lived and I proved that I could and I did. 

I never realized that I was an empty shell, not until the break up. He was my shell. I indulged in the wrong perception that I was protected, that I was something because I had a shell; I was something because I had someone. I swam through the illusion that he will always be a part of me. When he went away, I felt naked, I felt overly fragile and delicate. I felt an overwhelming fear knowing that I am nothing without him. That any attack against me would be my downfall.  I did not only lose a part, I lost my whole self- but this was ages ago because right now, I learned how to be whole not for other people but for myself. I learned how to save what’s left of me not because I need to do it, but because I can and I want to.

It’s true that you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. I thought I was strong enough during the times when I had him, but then I realized I am much stronger than I ever was now. I’ve learned to live my life by myself, and for myself, and you know what? I’m having the time of my life. I’ve come to terms with the outlook that happiness must not depend on other people. Happiness must come from within because at the end of the day, we only have ourselves. I’ve come to discover that people could come and go, they’d leave when they want to, this is the painful truth, it’s dreadful but there’s something more horrifying than that- it’s when you leave and lose yourself in the process.

I was on the brink of losing myself but I made a decision to take the first step not away from what hurts but towards it. I gained courage to face that excruciating pain because I know, I cannot hide from it forever, that sooner or later I’m going to have to face it, why prolong the agony? I took the step knowing that it could make or break me. But I strived to get to the other side and I did. For once, I was proud of myself.

Assurances, guarantees, declaration of love, I used to think that these are the only things I need to continue holding on especially during the times when we were about to give up on each other. When we start to speak words of reassurances, it’s like they fill up the void, the hollow space that was caused by arguments and misunderstandings. I won’t contradict that they make a lot of people feel good about their relationships, but I won’t also tell you that they’re enough. These words would always remain to be just words until they’re proven, and these are only proven through time.  I wouldn’t realize this if I didn’t get my heart broken.

If my heart wasn’t broken, I’d still be imprisoned in the idea that love is all about the battles you’ve conquered together. Once I thought, we had a sturdy foundation because we surpassed all obstacles. We were partners, we were teammates, but now I realized, we were rarely lovers.  Our relationship was all about strategizing and analyzing all events happening in our lives. We were so busy preparing for the next battle that we forgot to revel in our triumph together.  

My heartbreak made me wiser and stronger. It showed me pain and resentment but it opened my eyes to a new kind of happiness and peace. It revealed the serenity brought by forgiveness.  Another thing is, it gave me another chance to feel how love should really be. It made me learn what it feels like to fully love oneself and I’ve discovered that that kind of love is way different and fulfilling than that of the love from other people.  It made me realize that when one loves herself, no pain brought by other people can bring her down because she knows she’ll survive.  It showed me that it’s not easy to love oneself since you have to face one of the most difficult enemies- self pity but it also showed me that it isn’t impossible. 

My heartbreak was one of the best things that ever happened to me because it gave me no choice but to stand up for myself; it forced me to open my eyes from the reality that we were just not meant for each other.  It forced me to understand that my hesitation to see things as they are would hinder me from who I really was meant to be. I now have a clear understanding of what love is and I learned that from a great teacher- me.

August 7, 2014: You Deserve Someone Better

August 7, 2014

“You deserve someone better”- four words that form one of the most euphemistic clichés in the universe. This sentence has always been the first line of people consoling broken hearts. Despite its constant usage, it has its depth and its own truth.

When I was in the midst of my painful situation, I was surrounded by a lot of empathizing people. They’ve shared a lot of pieces of advice but perhaps my broken heart had a mind of its own. All I kept on indulging myself in are the thoughts my wandering mind comes up with. They kept on telling me that I’d get over my loss once I’ve accepted the fact that I deserve better. At first, I wasn’t keen on comprehending what they were telling me, I deserve someone better? How could I have someone better when I had the best? Then finally, I was tired of listening to my own thoughts since I was going around in circles achieving nothing so I tried to grasp what the outside world kept on telling me. “I deserve so much better”.

I started to think about the “better” (whoever he is) I dreamt myself to be with.

I deserve someone better. I deserve someone who knows the difference between love and relationship.

I deserve someone who’d hold my hand not because holding hands is written in the handbook of relationships: standard operating procedures. He’ll hold my hand because he wants to let people know that I’m his. I deserve someone who’d hold my hand not because that’s what significant others do but he’d hold my hand because that’s his implicit way of saying, “I won’t let you go”.

I deserve someone who’d understand my unpredictable mood swings, someone who won’t turn his back on me when I start ranting about something that happened that day. He’d listen even though he knows it’s going to be a challenge to make me feel better. He’ll try because he knows he’s one of the people whom I trust enough to vent my frustrations on. He’ll try to make me smile because he knows he has the capability to do so.

I deserve someone who won’t say he loves me every now and then because he understands that those words are too special to just be spoken like ordinary sentences. He’d say “I love you” in times when his heart feels like it would explode because of the love he feels for me. Those words won’t be a template on his phone or a routine he’d get used to. I may not hear those words most of the time from him but once I do, I’ll know it’s genuine, I’ll know it’s real.

I deserve someone who would prove me that real men cannot be stolen and real men know how to fight the relationship battle. He’d stay with me despite the many times we fight over things trivial or otherwise because he believes that all our predicaments would be stepping stones for us to achieve a sturdy foundation that would soon be invincible. Moreover, he knows that love is not all about feelings and emotions because these are just the add-ons to the package of relationships. He’d value trust, respect and understanding over the lightning-like spark that a lot of people are fussing about because he knows that the spark that deceives a lot of people is just superficial. It could fade away but what would bring its glow back is the foundation built on trust and respect.

I deserve someone who won’t leave even though it’s difficult to be with me. He’d accept my flaws but would help me learn from them. He won’t condemn me for making a mistake; he won’t judge me for something I failed to do right. On the other hand, he won’t tolerate my wrongdoings. He would reprimand me because he wants me to be a better version of myself without compromising my identity. He won’t force me to be something I’m not.

I deserve someone who’d treat me like a fragile glass but deep inside him, he knows I’m stronger than what I appear to be. He won’t take me for granted. He would let me do the things I want because he trusts me enough to know that I can take care of myself but he’d still want to take care of me too. He won’t patronize me but he won’t neglect me.  He won’t impede me from experiencing new things but he’ll make sure I won’t get in trouble. He knows that I want to be held but not controlled.

I deserve someone who knows what could hurt me and would try with all his might to avoid setting me up with pain. He wouldn’t want to see me crying because of anguish. He’d dedicate his life to make my tears flow because of happiness and laughter. He’d be willing to give everything he has just to protect me from any suffering there is. He won’t break me even though he knows he has the power to. He won’t break me because it would break him too. He won’t pull the trigger even if I hand him a loaded gun.

I deserve someone who could be all these things because I know I could be all these to him too.

The truth of the matter is broken hearts have their own time of understanding what the outside world keeps on telling them. Pain blurs all sense of rationalization. It takes time to come to the point when you’ll fully accept that it’s time to open your eyes, shake the pain away and start seeing your worth and once, you see it, then, you’ll make sense of it all.

After months of wallowing in self pity, I started to regain my balance, I started to feel alive again and with this, I started to see myself in a better perspective. I started to realize that I do

deserve someone better.