August 16: My heartbreak was one of the best things that ever happened to me

August 16, 2014

When I was going through my tough break up, I’ve always been repulsed by how unfair life and love could be to me. I was in a stage where my mornings were dreadful, my nights were eerie.  I didn’t want to go out of my room; all I wanted was to be swallowed in my solitude.  I came to the point when I was so mad at myself for dreaming that he’d come back and suddenly wake up feeling alone and lonely. It’s like all my ideals of how my life and future could be all went to waste. To say I was devastated is an understatement; I was ruined, I was damaged and there was nothing I could do about it. I succumbed to my weakness and frailty. The logical part of my brain was not working at that time, all I could feel was pain, betrayal, anger and self-pity and these aren’t a good combination to say the least.  Never has it crossed my mind that my break up was the best thing that could ever happen to me, it’s true.

At a time, all I thought was I was secured. I was sure that I would never be alone ever again. I was sure that while people around me are throwing all their love away, I was on my zone keeping what I thought was my constant; keeping what was mine. When I thought I couldn’t imagine myself without him, I lived and I proved that I could and I did. 

I never realized that I was an empty shell, not until the break up. He was my shell. I indulged in the wrong perception that I was protected, that I was something because I had a shell; I was something because I had someone. I swam through the illusion that he will always be a part of me. When he went away, I felt naked, I felt overly fragile and delicate. I felt an overwhelming fear knowing that I am nothing without him. That any attack against me would be my downfall.  I did not only lose a part, I lost my whole self- but this was ages ago because right now, I learned how to be whole not for other people but for myself. I learned how to save what’s left of me not because I need to do it, but because I can and I want to.

It’s true that you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. I thought I was strong enough during the times when I had him, but then I realized I am much stronger than I ever was now. I’ve learned to live my life by myself, and for myself, and you know what? I’m having the time of my life. I’ve come to terms with the outlook that happiness must not depend on other people. Happiness must come from within because at the end of the day, we only have ourselves. I’ve come to discover that people could come and go, they’d leave when they want to, this is the painful truth, it’s dreadful but there’s something more horrifying than that- it’s when you leave and lose yourself in the process.

I was on the brink of losing myself but I made a decision to take the first step not away from what hurts but towards it. I gained courage to face that excruciating pain because I know, I cannot hide from it forever, that sooner or later I’m going to have to face it, why prolong the agony? I took the step knowing that it could make or break me. But I strived to get to the other side and I did. For once, I was proud of myself.

Assurances, guarantees, declaration of love, I used to think that these are the only things I need to continue holding on especially during the times when we were about to give up on each other. When we start to speak words of reassurances, it’s like they fill up the void, the hollow space that was caused by arguments and misunderstandings. I won’t contradict that they make a lot of people feel good about their relationships, but I won’t also tell you that they’re enough. These words would always remain to be just words until they’re proven, and these are only proven through time.  I wouldn’t realize this if I didn’t get my heart broken.

If my heart wasn’t broken, I’d still be imprisoned in the idea that love is all about the battles you’ve conquered together. Once I thought, we had a sturdy foundation because we surpassed all obstacles. We were partners, we were teammates, but now I realized, we were rarely lovers.  Our relationship was all about strategizing and analyzing all events happening in our lives. We were so busy preparing for the next battle that we forgot to revel in our triumph together.  

My heartbreak made me wiser and stronger. It showed me pain and resentment but it opened my eyes to a new kind of happiness and peace. It revealed the serenity brought by forgiveness.  Another thing is, it gave me another chance to feel how love should really be. It made me learn what it feels like to fully love oneself and I’ve discovered that that kind of love is way different and fulfilling than that of the love from other people.  It made me realize that when one loves herself, no pain brought by other people can bring her down because she knows she’ll survive.  It showed me that it’s not easy to love oneself since you have to face one of the most difficult enemies- self pity but it also showed me that it isn’t impossible. 

My heartbreak was one of the best things that ever happened to me because it gave me no choice but to stand up for myself; it forced me to open my eyes from the reality that we were just not meant for each other.  It forced me to understand that my hesitation to see things as they are would hinder me from who I really was meant to be. I now have a clear understanding of what love is and I learned that from a great teacher- me.