Walls

December 28,2014

Falling and being in love could be an incredible feeling. It could take you to places you thought never existed but when the spark is gone, the limelight ceased, fireworks are down to its finale, when curtains close and love becomes something you just had; something you’ve held but has now been taken away, that incredible feeling turns into a dreadful nightmare. It seems like colors turn to gray and it seems like the world is closing in on you. Pain becomes your worst enemy but your only companion.

Along with the pain of a broken heart are the walls that start to build. Who would even want to be hurt twice in a row? The kind of pain that leaves you breathless not because of utmost elation but because of unending sobs; the kind of pain that wakes you up at 3am slapping you with the fact that your life changed big time in a matter of hours. That’s why conscious or unconsciously, we build walls. We lock up behind them so no one could hurt us anymore; no one could touch or utter a single word that would make us feel anything. Some people build their walls so high that they, themselves couldn’t even have a peek of the other side. It’s no big deal especially when there’s no one around. We often even enjoy being in our own solitude, mending what has been left of us, until one day someone comes along and question the integrity of those walls.

Chapter 2 can wait

If you have read my most recent post, I told you I was supposed to follow it up with a chapter 2 but there are some things… bizarre things to say the least that defeated my urge to continue with my Mandy Hale- inspired series. To tell you frankly, I haven’t found the resolution I need to complete the material or even post chapter 2.

Chapter 1 has been like an introduction gearing towards how to move forward and summon all the strength I have to take down my foot and take that much anticipated but highly difficult first step. At one point in time, I thought I was capable to write down how to do it. At one point in time, I thought I was adept enough to tell people that it’s sunshine after the storm, that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, because I for one thought I arrived at the end of it. But the truth is, sometimes, there is no immediate shining sun at the end of the storm, rather it’s another storm; there is no light at the end of the tunnel but another tunnel… but there will be, in time. I thought to myself, if I write and continue with the chaptered material, I don’t think I could urge myself to finish it. So I’ve decided not to write… no, it’s not that I won’t finish all the chapters, I will, soon enough, I just need to assure myself it wouldn’t be just another piece going around the bush without any sense of finality. I’m going to have to sort myself out first, and then I could share with you everything I’ve learned.

October 3, 2014: Matters of the Heart

October 3, 2014

I’ve decided to write something about the general populace in terms of relationships. These past few weeks have been a roller coaster ride not for me since I was just a mere spectator but for my friends. When they tell me about their current situations it felt like a movie was unfolding right in front of me. Some become fighters trying to save what was left of their relationship, some felt it was time to give up the fight some were fine staying along the sidelines and some are enjoying the love they've been fighting for a long time. People used to tell me that lessons are gained through one’s own experiences but there’s another truth they forgot to tell me, one learns through another’s experiences too.

In the verge of losing something so important-love, people who the world do not know had the strength to tamper their pride away and fight the relationship battle at the expense of their ego, start to emerge and show themselves. These are the people who give it all even if it means losing half of the half of themselves and giving it to the person they love. People may see them as crazy and selfless bordering foolish for not thinking about themselves too. But the thing is, I think they are worth commending. Why? How many people could pull off their ego masks and run towards what hurt them deeply? It’s like being fractured severely on a skateboard but you insist to try it again even though you know it’s going to hurt just because you trust the world enough to know that it’s going to be worth it in the end. To go on with a bruised ego is hard enough, but to put trust on something or someone who’ve caused damage, well that’s invaluable strength.  I’m not saying that you stay in a relationship that damages you, no, what I’m saying is you think deeply about it. Will it be worth it in the end? If it is, then shake off the ego and go for it but if you feel like it’s taking not only half of the half of you but everything you’ve kept for yourself, well then I guess it’s time to go.

Courage means letting go of something that means so much in exchange of something that means everything to you. It’s difficult to choose between two things so dear especially if it involves the person you truly love and yourself. In a spectator’s point of view, it’s easy to tell you to choose yourself. It’s one of the most prominent clichés in relationships: “love yourself first before you could love another” but the truth is, when the love of your life comes knocking on your door, it’s hard to separate the love for yourself from the love you feel towards the other. But we have to understand that relationships don't just involve love, they're hard work too but if work outdoes love and you become more of a warrior than a lover, you’ll wake up one day then you’ll realize, it’s time to move forward. Walking away takes indomitable courage and strength too.

When people have been through a lot, they become more cautious of the next step they take. They’ve learned enough not to take the easy way out and hurt themselves twice as much in the process. They content themselves in staying along the sidelines hoping one day they’ll find the collision they need to get back on track. People may see them as playing too safe but the real score is, these are the people who know most about loving and losing. They were on the battlefield too but wise enough to take a break and let things unfold in their right time. They’ve lost something, maybe everything at some point, trust me but they refuse to love again not because they’re scared and coward but because they’re trying not to commit the same mistake, they’ll love again…maybe until they see who’s worth the fight again.

Love has been something that most of us have been yearning for. There are those people who are filled with elation knowing they are with the person they love. They know the value of what they have not because it was given to them immediately but because they know for a fact they’ve worked hard together to have that kind of relationship. Successful relationships do not happen overnight, it takes time to build a foundation strong enough for the both of you. Relationships aren’t always about cuddles and roses; it’s about sticking together through thick and thin, overcoming the trials of time and all odds. It’s about putting up with each other’s mood swings and accepting faults and weaknesses. People say, it’s difficult to move on and be alone, yes it is, but sometimes it’s also difficult to maintain a long and lasting relationship but either way, it’ll be worth the journey after all.

Relationships are a pool of confusion, gratification, love and pain. Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose but there’s always something we take with us. When we win, we’re rewarded with the love of our lives, a promise of a future, when we lose, we’re rewarded with the opportunity to start and try to win again and maybe pick some other valuable things along the way.

We all have different roads to take, we may know all the facts about the situation but no one could ever explain how the other person feels truthfully even if they say they’ve been through the same. As what Paulo Coelho said, “We can never judge the lives of others because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It’s one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it’s another to think that yours is the only path”.

My Broken Heart was My Path To a Deeper Relationship with God

This post will be divided into different chapters since it’s going to be too long to begin with.

Chapter 1: Mandy Hale Inspired

So this blog post is duly inspired by Mandy Hale, the wonderful author of “I’ve Never Been to Vegas”. I’ve been reading her book this past few days and I could say that it hit the nail head on. Her experiences were very similar with mine but of course, she’s gone through a lot more than I had but despite that, she emerged stronger and braver.

I thought back to the first time I started this blog. I’ve always divulged that I was writing whatever I felt and had in mind because it was too much to bear and writing has always been my outlet. But more than that, I would also like to inspire other people going through some stuff I’ve been. I have messages to send across. Mind you, it isn’t easy to pour your heart out and share your pains and trials to everyone. It’s even somewhat embarrassing to let people know what happened and what’s going on with your life especially when it’s coming from a deep, dark and painful place. But just like what she wrote, everything happens for a reason. We were bound to experience what we’ve experienced in life because we are called to do something big not only for ourselves but for others too.

The past few blog posts were all about how I’ve pushed through the walls of heartbreak never did I mentioned about the source of strength that made me, so much as stand and attack the wall. I’ve taken all the credit for finally standing on my own two feet and face the new life. The aforementioned book made me realize this. I haven't given enough credit to God who turned my life upside down in a wonderful and exquisite way. When you thought there's nothing else that's left of you, he starts to show you how you are so much more than what you really think of yourself. So the following paragraphs are glimpses of how God made my internal chaos very well known as a broken heart turn into strength, courage wisdom and faith.

As you have known, heard or read, my long term boyfriend and I broke up after several years. It was painful to say the least. I felt like free falling in space. I didn’t know when my feet would touch the ground. It was very dramatic at least on my part because I was the one who was left alone (it’s embarrassing that time but it’s one of the facts that became my stepping stones). I’ve been crying nonstop for days. I didn’t want to go out of my room, but because of my friends insistence, I had to. the day after the split, I had two important job interviews from prestigious companies (since I’m from a small town, it’s somehow difficult to land interviews from reputable companies given the struggles in terms of competition and the number of job openings) but I missed both because I just can’t manage a good applicant façade that time. I was more than broken, I was damaged, ruined and helpless so how could I answer interview questions like, what are your strengths and weaknesses?; what could you contribute to the company? when I can’t even help myself. I know, I know, compartmentalization, the repeated advice of everyone when it comes to dealing with life. Compartmentalize, separate work from romance, family from work, family from romance and all those matches.  But the thing you have to understand is when dealing with a painful and messy first heart break, compartmentalization is thrown outside the window and for the record, I didn’t care. All I know is my destroyed relationship was worth the wallowing. So that’s what I did, I wallowed in pain, self pity, anger, and all other destructive abstract nouns. For the first few days, I’ve been so angry with God. I asked him time and time again why this had to happen to me. I wasn’t very keen in having a boyfriend during my younger years but when I met my ex boyfriend, it felt so different and I remembered asking God for him. When we were in the midst of arguments and the verge of breaking up, I asked God to make him stay if he was really meant for me, but if not, take him out of my life so it wouldn’t be that difficult, the earlier the better then alas, he stayed, he keeps on coming back. So I thought to myself, okay God, I know now, I know what you’re telling me. He’s the one… until the day he broke up with me. I remembered all my prayers, I even wrote them on a notebook, that’s one of the reasons why I was so mad with God. I was hanging on God's message that he was for me Didn't I prayed to God to give him to me? Why take him back after all these years? All that I know is God led me to believe a wrong message...at least that’s what I thought. I kept on blaming him for every wrong that has happened, I’ve blamed him for all the pain and suffering, I’ve blamed him for my broken heart, time and time again, I blamed him until one day, my anger worn me out. The anger became plain pain. I dropped to my knees and prayed not with an angry voice but with a pleading heart. I asked God for strength, courage and clarity to see things in his eyes; I asked him to show me a way to start my life again. I didn’t know what to do, I can’t keep on living like this, every time I’m idle, pain creeps in. I was planning to enroll in law school but enrollment was a few more weeks and the start of school was a month away. I had nothing else to do but be imprisoned in my situation. I kept on asking God to move and do something for me but days have passed that’s when I thought, he no longer hears my prayers. 

After a few days, I was about to give up on believing that somehow God sees and hears me. Maybe he's mad at me for all those painful words I've told him. Maybe he just want me to learn my lesson by myself and suffer since really, I've inflicted this pain on myself. Maybe he was just too tired of listening and has a lot more important matters to attend to. Maybe, like all other people, he got tired of me. You know, the thing is, God doesn't weigh and classify problems. He doesn't segregate and label them.  He has no file organizer with "important", 'urgent', 'petty', 'not important', 'not to deal with' prayer labels. He listens to all our prayers, whether or not it's big or small in layman's eyes, it's all prayers in God's eyes. We may turn our backs to God but he will always tap our shoulders and ask us to face him again. We may get tired of praying to God, but he doesn't get tired of listening to us. There are no important and unimportant matters, because everyone is a priority. Whether you ask God for a box of chocolates or a cure for heartbreak, a start of a new life, he listens intently. He answers and all we have to do is be patient and listen; accept what God has to say.

The next day I received a phone call from a company where I had my interview when I wasn’t single yet, they were offering me a job in Marketing particularly in events. Take note, this was the third call I received from them, the first two happened weeks prior the break up, they asked me to report then they’d tell me to wait for their call. Finally, after the third, I was really starting my new job. During my first day, I was excited to get away from my room, from the confines that kept on reminding me of my loss. I whispered a prayer of thanks and winked at God as if we had a silent deal, echoing in my mind “I know it was you God, thanks”. Before I entered the office, I left the blubbering mess of a girl at the door, the girl who is about to enter the office is now a matured and sophisticated woman. 

-Chapter 2- next week :)

August 23: Why Not Being in a Relationship is Also Fun

August 23, 2014

A lot of people are afraid of being single. They keep on holding on to a wrong relationship just because they don’t want to be alone and lonely. I’d be brave enough to say that they don’t want to be labeled as “single”. I’ve been in that batch too. I kept holding on to a wrong person just because, I thought life would be gloomier without a love life. There won’t be sweet messages, dates, hugs, kisses and all those stuff included once you’re in a relationship. I’ve once dreaded the single boat but once life gave me no choice, I jumped to that boat and here I am.

At first, it was tough to handle. People looked at me with different speculations why I turned out to be single after years of being in a relationship. Some even thought I’d be grabbing the first guy to show interest just to finally move on. I don’t blame them, in this generation, it’s not impossible. But for the record, I’m not that type. I somehow got the hang of being “just with me” to the point where I could say, I don’t think I’m ready for another relationship… not yet at least.

Why not being in a relationship is fun

No stressful arguments- oh dear, I don’t miss the small painful needles poking through my heart when we argue or have petty fights that last days and hours. I’m better without these. I’m more carefree. I don’t have to decide every now and then if I’d still hold on and fight for the relationship or just walk away. It’s difficult arriving at this crossroad.

No messy break ups (or the threat of break ups)- oh goody! Being single means no one’s going to break up with you and you won’t have the gruesome responsibility of saying “it’s not you, it’s me”. How fun could that be? Being in a relationship is like walking on egg shells. Whether you like it or not, there’s that extra caution with everything you do and with every word you say. It’s like you always have to say the right words so as not to offend your partner and prevent an impending break up (while writing this, I’m like… yes, this is nice. You don’t have to experience this for now. Cool!)  

No contradicting emotions that make you crazy- being in a relationship messes up your emotions big time. You’re mad at your partner but you won’t show it because you’d like him to take the first step of discovering what’s the matter with you and once he ignores you (frankly because he thinks you’re just having your period) you don’t know what to feel, would you be hurt? Angry? or throw something at him, and see if he finally gets a clue… well as it always ends, he still doesn’t then you end up feeling crazy.

Time management won’t be so stressful- working eight hours a day (or more), I don’t think this is ideal to make a relationship work. It would be like being in a long distance relationship but you’re merely kilometers apart. During my rest days, I get to sleep the whole day and rest instead of going out on dates. To say the least, it’s tiring to flatten the humps of roads and pedestrian lanes with our feet. In other words, it’s tiring to walk and walk thinking where to go to then you end up eating at Mcdonalds and staying there for an hour or two thinking, where next?

You get to meet other people- yup, this is surely one of the perks of being single. I don’t have to wonder whether my partner would get hurt or mad with me talking and laughing with other guys. I didn’t have a lot of guy friends before for relationship etiquette reasons but when I became single and finally had guy friends to talk to… let me reiterate that, guy friends- as in platonic in every sense- it’s fun. You get to have a glimpse of what’s going on in a guy’s brain and trust me, they’ve got so much in there. I’ve learned a lot… well, practical things.

You don’t have to knock your brains out thinking of what gift to give on your daysary, weeksary, monthsary or anniversary- it’s so hard to think about something sweet and memorable. Yes, it’s nice at first, there are so many ideas of presents and the like but as years go by, sweet gifts get old. The last thing you know, you’d just purchase anything you see in the department store and make yourself believe “it’s the thought that counts”.

I am not saying that being in a relationship is not fun. Of course it is, the butterflies in your stomach, romantic dates (unless they include dates described above…uhm, no.), big hugs, sweet kisses, surprises, cute text messages, late night phone calls, they are all fun and amazing. What I’m saying is, being single isn’t as bad as it looks like. When you’re single, you get to enjoy your own company, you’d know how fun of a person you really are. As it has been said, being alone doesn’t mean being lonely. Alone time makes you discover who you really are and once you know yourself more, you’d know the type of person who could be your perfect match.

August 16: My heartbreak was one of the best things that ever happened to me

August 16, 2014

When I was going through my tough break up, I’ve always been repulsed by how unfair life and love could be to me. I was in a stage where my mornings were dreadful, my nights were eerie.  I didn’t want to go out of my room; all I wanted was to be swallowed in my solitude.  I came to the point when I was so mad at myself for dreaming that he’d come back and suddenly wake up feeling alone and lonely. It’s like all my ideals of how my life and future could be all went to waste. To say I was devastated is an understatement; I was ruined, I was damaged and there was nothing I could do about it. I succumbed to my weakness and frailty. The logical part of my brain was not working at that time, all I could feel was pain, betrayal, anger and self-pity and these aren’t a good combination to say the least.  Never has it crossed my mind that my break up was the best thing that could ever happen to me, it’s true.

At a time, all I thought was I was secured. I was sure that I would never be alone ever again. I was sure that while people around me are throwing all their love away, I was on my zone keeping what I thought was my constant; keeping what was mine. When I thought I couldn’t imagine myself without him, I lived and I proved that I could and I did. 

I never realized that I was an empty shell, not until the break up. He was my shell. I indulged in the wrong perception that I was protected, that I was something because I had a shell; I was something because I had someone. I swam through the illusion that he will always be a part of me. When he went away, I felt naked, I felt overly fragile and delicate. I felt an overwhelming fear knowing that I am nothing without him. That any attack against me would be my downfall.  I did not only lose a part, I lost my whole self- but this was ages ago because right now, I learned how to be whole not for other people but for myself. I learned how to save what’s left of me not because I need to do it, but because I can and I want to.

It’s true that you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. I thought I was strong enough during the times when I had him, but then I realized I am much stronger than I ever was now. I’ve learned to live my life by myself, and for myself, and you know what? I’m having the time of my life. I’ve come to terms with the outlook that happiness must not depend on other people. Happiness must come from within because at the end of the day, we only have ourselves. I’ve come to discover that people could come and go, they’d leave when they want to, this is the painful truth, it’s dreadful but there’s something more horrifying than that- it’s when you leave and lose yourself in the process.

I was on the brink of losing myself but I made a decision to take the first step not away from what hurts but towards it. I gained courage to face that excruciating pain because I know, I cannot hide from it forever, that sooner or later I’m going to have to face it, why prolong the agony? I took the step knowing that it could make or break me. But I strived to get to the other side and I did. For once, I was proud of myself.

Assurances, guarantees, declaration of love, I used to think that these are the only things I need to continue holding on especially during the times when we were about to give up on each other. When we start to speak words of reassurances, it’s like they fill up the void, the hollow space that was caused by arguments and misunderstandings. I won’t contradict that they make a lot of people feel good about their relationships, but I won’t also tell you that they’re enough. These words would always remain to be just words until they’re proven, and these are only proven through time.  I wouldn’t realize this if I didn’t get my heart broken.

If my heart wasn’t broken, I’d still be imprisoned in the idea that love is all about the battles you’ve conquered together. Once I thought, we had a sturdy foundation because we surpassed all obstacles. We were partners, we were teammates, but now I realized, we were rarely lovers.  Our relationship was all about strategizing and analyzing all events happening in our lives. We were so busy preparing for the next battle that we forgot to revel in our triumph together.  

My heartbreak made me wiser and stronger. It showed me pain and resentment but it opened my eyes to a new kind of happiness and peace. It revealed the serenity brought by forgiveness.  Another thing is, it gave me another chance to feel how love should really be. It made me learn what it feels like to fully love oneself and I’ve discovered that that kind of love is way different and fulfilling than that of the love from other people.  It made me realize that when one loves herself, no pain brought by other people can bring her down because she knows she’ll survive.  It showed me that it’s not easy to love oneself since you have to face one of the most difficult enemies- self pity but it also showed me that it isn’t impossible. 

My heartbreak was one of the best things that ever happened to me because it gave me no choice but to stand up for myself; it forced me to open my eyes from the reality that we were just not meant for each other.  It forced me to understand that my hesitation to see things as they are would hinder me from who I really was meant to be. I now have a clear understanding of what love is and I learned that from a great teacher- me.

August 7, 2014: You Deserve Someone Better

August 7, 2014

“You deserve someone better”- four words that form one of the most euphemistic clichés in the universe. This sentence has always been the first line of people consoling broken hearts. Despite its constant usage, it has its depth and its own truth.

When I was in the midst of my painful situation, I was surrounded by a lot of empathizing people. They’ve shared a lot of pieces of advice but perhaps my broken heart had a mind of its own. All I kept on indulging myself in are the thoughts my wandering mind comes up with. They kept on telling me that I’d get over my loss once I’ve accepted the fact that I deserve better. At first, I wasn’t keen on comprehending what they were telling me, I deserve someone better? How could I have someone better when I had the best? Then finally, I was tired of listening to my own thoughts since I was going around in circles achieving nothing so I tried to grasp what the outside world kept on telling me. “I deserve so much better”.

I started to think about the “better” (whoever he is) I dreamt myself to be with.

I deserve someone better. I deserve someone who knows the difference between love and relationship.

I deserve someone who’d hold my hand not because holding hands is written in the handbook of relationships: standard operating procedures. He’ll hold my hand because he wants to let people know that I’m his. I deserve someone who’d hold my hand not because that’s what significant others do but he’d hold my hand because that’s his implicit way of saying, “I won’t let you go”.

I deserve someone who’d understand my unpredictable mood swings, someone who won’t turn his back on me when I start ranting about something that happened that day. He’d listen even though he knows it’s going to be a challenge to make me feel better. He’ll try because he knows he’s one of the people whom I trust enough to vent my frustrations on. He’ll try to make me smile because he knows he has the capability to do so.

I deserve someone who won’t say he loves me every now and then because he understands that those words are too special to just be spoken like ordinary sentences. He’d say “I love you” in times when his heart feels like it would explode because of the love he feels for me. Those words won’t be a template on his phone or a routine he’d get used to. I may not hear those words most of the time from him but once I do, I’ll know it’s genuine, I’ll know it’s real.

I deserve someone who would prove me that real men cannot be stolen and real men know how to fight the relationship battle. He’d stay with me despite the many times we fight over things trivial or otherwise because he believes that all our predicaments would be stepping stones for us to achieve a sturdy foundation that would soon be invincible. Moreover, he knows that love is not all about feelings and emotions because these are just the add-ons to the package of relationships. He’d value trust, respect and understanding over the lightning-like spark that a lot of people are fussing about because he knows that the spark that deceives a lot of people is just superficial. It could fade away but what would bring its glow back is the foundation built on trust and respect.

I deserve someone who won’t leave even though it’s difficult to be with me. He’d accept my flaws but would help me learn from them. He won’t condemn me for making a mistake; he won’t judge me for something I failed to do right. On the other hand, he won’t tolerate my wrongdoings. He would reprimand me because he wants me to be a better version of myself without compromising my identity. He won’t force me to be something I’m not.

I deserve someone who’d treat me like a fragile glass but deep inside him, he knows I’m stronger than what I appear to be. He won’t take me for granted. He would let me do the things I want because he trusts me enough to know that I can take care of myself but he’d still want to take care of me too. He won’t patronize me but he won’t neglect me.  He won’t impede me from experiencing new things but he’ll make sure I won’t get in trouble. He knows that I want to be held but not controlled.

I deserve someone who knows what could hurt me and would try with all his might to avoid setting me up with pain. He wouldn’t want to see me crying because of anguish. He’d dedicate his life to make my tears flow because of happiness and laughter. He’d be willing to give everything he has just to protect me from any suffering there is. He won’t break me even though he knows he has the power to. He won’t break me because it would break him too. He won’t pull the trigger even if I hand him a loaded gun.

I deserve someone who could be all these things because I know I could be all these to him too.

The truth of the matter is broken hearts have their own time of understanding what the outside world keeps on telling them. Pain blurs all sense of rationalization. It takes time to come to the point when you’ll fully accept that it’s time to open your eyes, shake the pain away and start seeing your worth and once, you see it, then, you’ll make sense of it all.

After months of wallowing in self pity, I started to regain my balance, I started to feel alive again and with this, I started to see myself in a better perspective. I started to realize that I do

deserve someone better.

August 1: When you've finally moved on

August 1, 2014

When you‘ve finally moved on…

You’ll lay your head on the pillow while your mind wanders into space outside the boundaries which you have caged yourself in. You’ll sleep, yes, you’ll finally get some needed sleep thinking of the things you have to look forward to the next day- projects, presentations, or events, nothing that concerns your previous heart break. You’ll no longer fear mornings. You’ll wake up without a stabbing pain or even just a pinch in your chest. You’ll take a shower without taking too long and thinking of what could have been until your fingers become prunes. You’ll groom yourself without smudging your make up because of unbidden tears. You’ll choose a shade of your eye shadow without thinking if he’d like it or not. You’ll choose it because that’s the color YOU like. You’ll dress up in your suit, mix and match anything on your wardrobe. You’d want to look your best, not because you think he might see you but because you feel comfortable and confident in those clothes.

When you‘ve finally moved on…
On the way to work, you won’t think about how once upon a time you used to pass along that street. You won’t reminisce the laughs and those silly jokes you’ve shared along the sidewalk anymore. If ever you do, you’ll just smile and keep those jokes in mind so you could share them to others.  When you’re at work, you’ll be busy because of all the work you have to do and not because you force yourself to do all things, even those tasks outside your job description just so you could be free of all the bombarding thoughts of your break up.  You’ll take those days off because you’d want to stay at home, watch TV, sleep and all those trivial things you’ve been doing prior the break up. You’ll want to be normal again.

When you ‘ve finally moved on…
You’ll no longer feel the need to see him. You won’t long to hold him in your arms anymore. You’ll forget how his hair feels on your fingertips. You’ll forget how soft his lips are or how gentle his caresses are.  You won’t remember the comfort his presence was to you.  You’ll forget how his hand fits yours.  You’ll forget to think about him every now and then.  You’ll forget to remember that once, you had someone who meant the world to you… or maybe you won’t… but then it wouldn’t bother you that much anymore.

When you ‘ve finally moved on…
You’ll no longer long for reconciliation. When the thought of getting back together crosses your mind, you no longer feel a spark of hope that maybe, just maybe you could. You’ll stop thinking about all the opportunities you should have seized to make him come back and if you’re lucky enough, you’ll tap yourself on the back and tell yourself “good thing you didn’t take the bait”.  You wouldn’t want to go through everything again. You’re fine by yourself.

When you ‘ve finally moved on…
You’re happiness is no longer dependent on what you have or what you don’t. You’ll learn to stop worrying about things you can’t control. Your peace of mind comes from within and not from without. You’ll stop talking about him and asking people for their opinions about how he feels, what do you think he’s doing and all those things you want answers to. You’ll stop wanting other people to tell you things you just want to hear to get through the day. You wouldn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore because you’d be too busy  thinking about what to do with your own life. You’ll start to listen to what your heart says. You’ll understand that the tranquility of oneself doesn’t come from the voices heard by the ears, but it comes from the melody heard by your own heart. 

When you’ve finally moved on…
You’ll understand and accept that love changes people and so do heart breaks. You’ll see yourself in a new light. You’ll finally let go of the girl you once were. You’ll enjoy your independence not because you have to, but because you want to. You’ll forget the girl who was drowning in her insecurities just because she felt that no one wanted to be with her, inculcating in herself that she isn’t good enough. You’ll understand that nothing could be enough for someone who doesn’t know how to be satisfied. You’ll go on thinking that maybe, you’re not the only one liable for the fall out.

When you’ve finally moved on…
You’ll forgive yourself for all the things you’ve done and for all the things you didn’t do. You’ll understand that everything was how it was supposed to be. Eventually, you’ll forgive him too, you’ll forgive him for leaving your heart in ruins. But you’ll realize that it’s not his fault. The culprit is love with the heart as its accomplice. Love is so fickle that it changes over time that leaves you wondering what’s happening now. It changes drastically that it won’t give you time to prepare or predict what’s about to come.  You’ll forgive him because you know both of you were just victims in the tricky game of life and love.

When you’ve finally moved on…
You’ll stop asking questions, you’ll stop searching for answers. You won’t want to know what really happened, why it needs to happen… you’ll stop wanting to know because at the end of the day, those answers won’t mean a thing. At this point, it’s unnecessary to know because you’ve finally accepted that those won’t change anything. Right now, you wouldn’t want to change anything at all anymore.

When you’ve finally moved on…
You’ll thank him. You’ll thank him for causing you so much pain in the past because without that experience, you won’t emerge as someone you are right now. Without him breaking your heart, you won’t see yourself as someone ordinary but precious, delicate but invincible. You’ll thank him for without him setting you free, you will be forever hampered to become someone less of who you are meant to be. Without him letting you go, you won't know how strong and brave you could be; you won't know how courageous you are in the face of tragedy; you won't know that you can survive all by yourself. You’ll thank him for being a catalyst of discovering lessons and insights in life and in love that you would not have known should you have stayed in a dying relationship. 

When you’ve finally moved on…
You’ll know it. That would be the day you wake up and everything’s clear. You wake up then feel different. When you let go of everything about him with all your heart and with a genuine smile that’s when you know, you’ve finally moved on.

July 25: The Turning Point

July 25, 2014

Today marks the second month of my new life. I’m happy and I’m thriving to be ultimately happy. Yes, I am still alone but I’m not lonely. I’ve crossed the bridge, the bridge I once dreaded to step on or even to look at or think about. I’ve crossed it and this I could call my breakthrough or my turning point.

 I’d go far as to say I’m better, wiser and stronger. Incidentally, this is something I did not expect from myself at least this early. I thought, when the second month comes, I’d still be the same. I’d still feel so much pain. You have to understand that at first, it felt like everywhere was a dead end. There were no detours, but if there were, they’d still lead to more dead ends.

I thought there won’t be an end to my misery. Days felt like months and it’s so difficult to stand tall when everything inside you wants to bow because of the pain. I thought, I won’t forget the happy and painful memories. I once believed I can’t go another month without the person who once meant the world to me. I thought I’d be forever lost because the love that was anchoring me just let me go.

Surprisingly, amidst all my endeavors, I still emerged triumphant. I know only some of you would be convinced that I’m finally getting there if I’m not there yet. Some of you are probably skeptical of what I’m saying here. I can’t blame you. I do know for a fact that love just doesn’t come and go easily. Letting go is not just a matter of two months given all my previous posts about how devastated I was. I am not trying to deceive you, all I’m trying to say is I’m no longer the girl with a damaged heart, just the girl with a splintered heart. There’s an improvement. The pain isn’t as intense as it was before. I stopped crying and grieving and if ever my mind wanders to the times in the past, it doesn’t bother me that much. I don’t think I love him anymore. People told me, it wasn’t that easy to banish love, but if there is still love that remains in me, it isn’t enough. He finally lost me too.

I’m happy in this place where I am right now. It wasn’t a walk in the park but it’s a worthwhile walk altogether. I’m not saying I don’t think about it every once in a while. I still do, but now with a new and profound view. I’m glad it was over between us. I discovered so much about myself that I doubt I would if I was still with him. I love myself more right now. I’ve come to embrace the possibility that no one could ever hurt me as much as I was hurt before or if someone might attempt to, I know, I’d still survive in the end.  I finally realize and understand that I deserve someone who may not better (since I don’t really want comparisons) but someone who’d stay through all the good and the tough times. Someone who’d stay and really mean it because now I discovered I’m capable of staying too. 

She crossed the bridge

She finally forgot...

July 18: Aftermath Realizations

July 18, 2014

All this time, I was known for being the outgoing, cheerful and laid back kind of girl. Even my mom thought I was an easy go lucky type. I really hope I saw myself that way when I’m in the midst of my solitude. But no, it’s just not the case.

As a matter of fact, I’m the all-things-should-be-thought-and planned-before-execution kind. I got used to the idea that everything should be analyzed over and over again just to be sure. I used to write all the pros and cons on a sheet of paper then think of all the consequences each option could have then decide from there. It’s like my life has always been based on a flowchart. It’s like my everyday is conceptualized by how well I managed yesterday’s business. Everything should be run through my head first before anything else… even my emotions. Is it proper that I start to get mad? Is it proper to cry already? Should this hurt? Should this make me happy? Must I show that I appreciate a certain gesture? Should I look shock now? I may seem like a robot to you given that I seem “programmed”. I wasn’t born that way obviously, it’s just that I got used to it. Don’t I act on impulse? I do, and that’s the reason I keep telling myself to think and analyze everything first before I act because my impulses are stupid or the best way to put it is, they make me look stupid.

Moreover, I’m a complete control freak. Everything should be in order, everything should be as planned. I may have an eye for remedial management but as much as possible I don’t want anything to obstruct all my plans. I know, I know, life is not always smooth sailing and all that but I still think that when all things are arranged and you have plan B-Z for back up, everything’s going to be alright.

Everything was A-okay…that was before life decided to execute its little trick on me. Life really has a wicked sense of humor. Funnily enough, I was at the receiving end.

As I’ve said, I’ve been used to taking control of my life, that’s the reason why my life was going at the direction I’ve always planned. Everything was properly schemed. I trusted my plans, I trusted people to make those plans come to life. But then, I trusted too much. Trust takes some pinches of dependency, and given that I was an independent woman, I was blindsided because I never knew that the trust holding my plans together was the same trust that would destroy me, and everything I had in mind.

Being off balanced would be an understatement; I was completely out of the wire. I felt like free falling. I kept on waiting for the time my feet would touch the ground.

After the catastrophe, I took a strong hold of my life. I took a mental note of everything that was happening. I was analyzing every detail of my life just for me to understand what went wrong. I was desperate to understand where things start to come undone. I was desperate for answers so I won’t have to make the same mistakes twice. But then, in my search for all those whys, I went home empty handed but with a heart full of burdensome emotions I can’t event start to sort, but with experience in controlling emotions, I believed I’ve handled them quite well.

Unfortunately, I came to a point when my control broke. It was difficult to hold everything in. I was an active volcano then, anytime, I could explode. There was like surging lava inside me and I just can’t seem to take a hold of it, until such time I decided to talk to my mom.

I wasn’t the type to show emotions to my family. In their eyes, I was the achiever, I was the easy going, confident girl who topped her exams and who just wants to stay in her room and read books may it be for academic purposes or for leisure. But they don’t care as long as I was a reading a book. So when I started talking to my mom. I was crying in front of her and I told her how hard it is to go on a day and think of how unworthy I was because I discovered my castle was made up of sand. I kept on telling her that everything was going according to plan but then one day, everything was going on the opposite direction and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. She was just sitting across me stunned. I could not shock her more than she already was. These were her words: “it didn’t occur to me how negative you are, I’ve always pegged you as a confident and happy person. But never did I imagine how harsh you are to yourself. Enjoy your life, be young because you are, just go with the flow.”

Then it hit me really hard, I was so busy taking control that I forgot to live my life. Realizations hit me head on and I’ve never been so thankful. These are the things I’ve learned:

Stop controlling everything in your life because it will wear you out and eventually frustrate and disappoint you because you’ll realize that it’s an elusive thing to do. It’s like pushing a wall, it doesn’t take you anywhere but it exhausts everything in you.

If it’s meant to happen, it will happen. Beautiful things do not happen by force or control, they happen when you learn to let go of the urge to become their puppeteer. 

You don’t need to plan everything in life, you don’t need to analyze those bits of details, and life isn’t a big test to be prepared for every time. The problem is, we worry too much. We indulge ourselves in preparing for a battle that doesn’t exist. We build forts around us without realizing that those walls impede us from seeing how our lives should be; we impede ourselves from seeing how beautiful our lives could be.

Lastly, go with the flow. I know, this has been the most popular cliché when opening the book of how to live your life but this is one of the truest things that one has to do. Sometimes being brilliant means knowing when not to think. Just learn to feel, and embrace everything life has to offer because that’s the only way you could see and understand why some things have to happen in your life.

She loved who she was before

July 13: Do not give up love, not unless love has given up on you

July 13,2014

Having been in a long term relationship once, there are a lot of lessons that have been gained, challenges that were faced, problems that were solved. Once you learn to fight for what and who you love, that’s the time you’ll understand what it means to stay and be in love. 

This is the reason why I do not understand people who just throw away love because of petty misunderstandings. They always tell me that they do love their partner so much but after a day or two break up because of simple things. Some of their reasons were they just don’t get along anymore, they do not have time for each other, they are taken for granted and all those petty matters. People may be raising their eyebrows or scheming a way to get back at me because I’ve been belittling the reasons why most couples break up but I know those reasons deserve to be belittled. 

We got through all those problems too so I know what I’m talking about. We broke up once too because I thought I was taken for granted but then when you realize that both of you just lack communication which is essential in a relationship, you’ll then see that your love for each other is stronger than your problems. 

I’ve been with friends who were on the verge of breaking up because of the problems stated above and for those of you who are going through the same path, not only to make you feel better but also to make you realize that you are one lucky person to experience such mundane situation; I’d tell you, I’ll give anything just to be in your place and not in mine. 

I know that it’s difficult getting through misunderstanding and misconceptions, that’s why they’re called challenges, problems because they are complicated and they are meant to be solved.  Why do I look so confident saying that they’re easier to overcome? It’s because, I believe that they are not enough grounds to give up love. 

Where am I getting at? The pain brought by simple misunderstandings couldn’t compare to the pain of someone who used to love you so much but left because he no longer feels the same. In this situation, there’s no turning back because two essential things in a relationship are lost: the love from the person who left and trust from the person who was left behind. Those things are not easy to take back. As I’ve said a while ago, I would give anything to have misunderstandings and taken for granted issues any day as long as the love is there, just unexpressed. Trust me, it’s easier.

 What binds the relationship is the brewing love of two persons. Now, for those of you who feel neglected by your partner but you know that you still love each other; don’t ever think that you will no longer fix that. As long as the love is there, the trust is present; everything will fall to its place. Once you know that the relationship is worth fighting for, then go for it.

Given what I’ve been through, here are some pieces of advice for everyone who feels like giving up just because they no longer get along with the person they love.

1.      1. Stop throwing away love like it’s just a bag of garbage. Think before you do something as stupid as that. It’s not easy to find love because not everyone is privileged enough to find something worth fighting for. Appreciate what you have because once it’s lost, you could never get it back again. DO NOT GIVE UP LOVE, NOT UNLESS LOVE HAS GIVEN UP ON YOU.

2.      2. Communicate. You feel neglected, tell your partner; you feel unhappy with the relationship but you still love your partner, tell him/her. Communicating how you feel is one manifestation that you want the relationship to work. You can’t just wait for them to discover how you feel especially when you act otherwise. If you’re hurt, tell them so they would know and they could do something about it.

3.    3.  Love. Love because it’s the most beautiful thing that a person could experience. If you found someone who loves you just as much as you love him/her, don’t let each other go. Don’t go through  the process of losing someone if you could do something so as not to. Love, because not everyone is lucky enough to love and be loved.