Friday, May 30, 2014
May 30: Unsaid Words
If I had to write him a letter to tell him things I wasn't able to, I would let him know that:
Dear you,
I could have saved us... I could have fought.. You could have given me the chance to.. You should know by then that I'd always find a way. I could have done something but you weren't strong enough to trust me before it all happened. When you were at your weakest, you should have gotten strength from me, I'd get hurt but I would understand and fight for you. I may lose in the end, you'd still walk away but at least I got the opportunity to fight for the one I loved. If there was something you did that hurt me deeply, it's not that you fell out of love, it's you depriving me of doing something for the relationship I invested in. You made me stay still and made me watch how my world fell apart in front of me without a fight. You could have trusted me enough to trust yourself. You're sorry?.. yup, me too.
-me
No more day to day posts
Sorry guys, I don't think I could continue writing day to day posts. When moving on, there are times when you just don't want to think anymore, sometimes, you just don't want to feel anymore. It's difficult when one forces to write down emotions during the times when you just want to rest everything in you for a while.
It's not that I won't write anymore... I would just not on a day to day basis. I'll write when I feel like writing :) thanks! keep on moving forward! :))
It's not that I won't write anymore... I would just not on a day to day basis. I'll write when I feel like writing :) thanks! keep on moving forward! :))
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Day 5: The more you deny yourself of memories, the more you yearn for them
After a day of fun and laughs, I'm back home, here inside my room again. I'm thinking, what could I write here today? I've been murdering the backspace on my keyboard in the past ten minutes.
Okay, so here goes, upon entering my room, I felt empty. I felt like there was a blank step in my everyday routine and then I realized, ha! we weren't together anymore. To be honest, sometimes, I forget that fact often, maybe it's because we've been together for so long.
I had this routine of getting up in the morning, then texting him. When we don't have plans to go out, I'd tell him my plans for the day. When I come home, I'd let him know then text him good night. Sometimes, when we have plans of going out, we'd just talk about the meeting time because we both already know where we'd meet. There are times when I know I'll be the first to reach our meeting place, I'll challenge him to a race then when he arrives, he'd walk to me smiling because he knew I wasn't playing fair.
When I have some funny stories that happened to me during the day, I'd like to tell him all the hilarious details and try to make him laugh. I think about what his reaction might be, would he laugh or just act stoic (I used to love both reactions). I imagine, he'd ask more questions and we'd get to different conversations and even reminiscing the memories that are connected (or not) to what we're talking about. Sometimes, we'd end up talking about the weird things about science which always end up in an intellectual banter. He'd throw me facts about galaxies down to molecules and I'd fight back with logical (and not so logical) explanations. I'd persuade him that my case is right and he'd insist and give other examples to support his cause. Sometimes, I'd concede, but most of the time, he'll let me be but deep inside him, I know that he knows he's right. There are times I'd just argue with what he's saying for the sake of a fun argument. I remember his thinking face, and then it hit me, we were over. No more funny stories, no more laughs about silly things that only the both of us could relate to, no more intellectual banter about deceiving colors, no more weird conversations.
Today, I typed some of the funny things that happened during the outing with my friends, the jokes and funny conversations then after a moment, I realized, what was I doing? To whom am I sending the message? Then I realized, oops! it's over. Did the realization made me cry? No, I was in the company of my best friends so they really distracted me (which was a very good thing). Imagine my embarrassment if I sent him that message (I don't want to think about it, I might faint right on this spot). My point is, There are just some things that are difficult to get out of your system when you've gotten used to it. It's like, he's been embedded in my every day and it makes moving forward that much harder. I think, this is one of the most challenging aspects of the process.
It's not easy, it never was and it never will be. We weren't only a couple,we were the best of friends. To say that it feels like something is missing, would be an understatement. To say that something was taken away is twice the understatement. It's like something died inside of me that cannot ever be replaced, but it can be buried. It's difficult but it's not impossible.
Some people would say, "stop remembering things so you'd forget soon", the truth of the matter is, we would always remember things we'd like to forget but that's part of the forgetting process. The more you deny yourself of memories, the more you yearn for them. As I've told myself yesterday, it's okay to remember all the memories just make sure that after all the reminiscing, you'd have to say goodbye to all of them.
Okay, so here goes, upon entering my room, I felt empty. I felt like there was a blank step in my everyday routine and then I realized, ha! we weren't together anymore. To be honest, sometimes, I forget that fact often, maybe it's because we've been together for so long.
I had this routine of getting up in the morning, then texting him. When we don't have plans to go out, I'd tell him my plans for the day. When I come home, I'd let him know then text him good night. Sometimes, when we have plans of going out, we'd just talk about the meeting time because we both already know where we'd meet. There are times when I know I'll be the first to reach our meeting place, I'll challenge him to a race then when he arrives, he'd walk to me smiling because he knew I wasn't playing fair.
When I have some funny stories that happened to me during the day, I'd like to tell him all the hilarious details and try to make him laugh. I think about what his reaction might be, would he laugh or just act stoic (I used to love both reactions). I imagine, he'd ask more questions and we'd get to different conversations and even reminiscing the memories that are connected (or not) to what we're talking about. Sometimes, we'd end up talking about the weird things about science which always end up in an intellectual banter. He'd throw me facts about galaxies down to molecules and I'd fight back with logical (and not so logical) explanations. I'd persuade him that my case is right and he'd insist and give other examples to support his cause. Sometimes, I'd concede, but most of the time, he'll let me be but deep inside him, I know that he knows he's right. There are times I'd just argue with what he's saying for the sake of a fun argument. I remember his thinking face, and then it hit me, we were over. No more funny stories, no more laughs about silly things that only the both of us could relate to, no more intellectual banter about deceiving colors, no more weird conversations.
Today, I typed some of the funny things that happened during the outing with my friends, the jokes and funny conversations then after a moment, I realized, what was I doing? To whom am I sending the message? Then I realized, oops! it's over. Did the realization made me cry? No, I was in the company of my best friends so they really distracted me (which was a very good thing). Imagine my embarrassment if I sent him that message (I don't want to think about it, I might faint right on this spot). My point is, There are just some things that are difficult to get out of your system when you've gotten used to it. It's like, he's been embedded in my every day and it makes moving forward that much harder. I think, this is one of the most challenging aspects of the process.
It's not easy, it never was and it never will be. We weren't only a couple,we were the best of friends. To say that it feels like something is missing, would be an understatement. To say that something was taken away is twice the understatement. It's like something died inside of me that cannot ever be replaced, but it can be buried. It's difficult but it's not impossible.
Some people would say, "stop remembering things so you'd forget soon", the truth of the matter is, we would always remember things we'd like to forget but that's part of the forgetting process. The more you deny yourself of memories, the more you yearn for them. As I've told myself yesterday, it's okay to remember all the memories just make sure that after all the reminiscing, you'd have to say goodbye to all of them.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Day 4: Remiscing is the Road to Forgetting
I'm proud of myself. At last, I got some needed sleep and my appetite is back. I woke up with a heavy heart but at least I didn't cry my eyeballs out again. This may be a small improvement but it's MY big step.
This morning his dad told me not to close myself to the idea of us getting back but I think it's too late. I've been thinking lately and I feel like, there's no way we'll get back together. Is it okay with me? no, but that's a fact I have to accept. People used to ask me, what if he comes back? I know deep inside me, that is just plain elusive, but if I had to answer, I don't think I could. I don't want to experience the same pain I've felt in the past few days. I was beyond hurt, I was torn. How I wish everything is just a long nightmare that when I wake up, we're still together, I'd still get a good morning text from him and he'll assure me again that my nightmare will never happen. But that's just not the case. It's no longer about if we want to get back or not. It's more than that... it's way more complicated now. This is not the simple, "you broke my heart but it'll be mended when we get back together" scenario. This is the "You broke my heart, I'm going to mend it myself and you won't get the chance to break it again" scenario.
Despite the realization this morning, I had so much fun this afternoon.My best friends and I went to go swimming and it was really fun. For a short period of time, I felt happy, I felt elated, I felt like there's nothing wrong in my world. I forgot how broken I was, I forgot that I was grieving. I laughed till my tummy hurts. When my mind wanders to a painful place, I swim all those emotions away. I told myself, this is not the time to go back to being a mess. This is the time to free my soul from all the pins torturing it even for a couple of hours. I needed this, I told myself. When we went back, that's a whole new story. On the way home, I felt nervous, I was going back to my reality, it was a painful truth. Luckily, I'm not going back to my room, I was sleeping over at my best friend's house. I hope it would at least divert me from thinking about too much about my grievance but I guess, that would be challenging on my part especially with my mind constantly bombarding me with memories.
It's 6:20pm, we went out to eat. I can't seem to stop myself from remembering everything about my past relationship that is connected to what my eyes could see as of the moment. It's just now that I've understood the meaning of the song "Only Reminds Me Of You". This is so sentimental and pathetic. I remember how we used to talk, hold hands, how he used to wrap his arms around me how I would lay my head on his shoulder then he'd start to sing "Put your head on my shoulder" (I'm not going to lie, I was smiling while I typed that scenario). You might say, when moving on, you need to forget all those, but I'm giving myself a break. I told myself, just reminisce all you want, take all the time you need so when you get tired of remembering, you stop thinking, you stop feeling then you stop hurting.
This is it for today, as I've said, I'm sleeping over at my best friend's house so I don't think it's really nice to dwell on my sorrow while they're all trying to make me feel better. So an advice to all those heart broken for today: Don't be scared to reminisce, it's the road to forgetting.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Day 3: Be Brave Enough to Say Goodbye
Day 3 is a whirlwind of emotions. When morning came, it was another of those breakdown moments. It's like there's a broken dam inside of you and it's so difficult to stop its flow. I'm not one to cry continuously. I cry it all out once then the next day I'm okay (really okay) but this is different. I cried three days in a row with the same level of pain. Everyday, I get weary and scared when the night comes and get more weary and scared when the morning comes.
Now, since this is a diary, I'm going to tell you what happened today. His dad asked me to come and talk to him. At first, I was hesitant, thinking, am I ready? Could I handle this talk? Then I told to myself, they deserve a proper goodbye since they were really so good to me. They treated me like family and that's one of the many reasons why it's hard to let it all go. Nervous, I went and see him. His first question was "What happened? It's so sudden." I told him that everything just stopped and there's nothing I could do about it. He was insistent that there's still chance. Surprisingly, I told him, we need to let it go, yet as I've said he was insistent but I was stubborn. If making amends would make them happy, I'd gladly do it, right then and there. That's how important they are to me but since I value their respect and trust more than what they thought would make them happy, I couldn't. Making amends just because it would make them happy would mean having to lie to them, lie to ourselves just to satisfy everyone's notion that we were meant to be. He told me to think about it. Clearly, he didn't want me to move on completely but I told him, that's the only thing I know I needed to do. I know, his son has moved on... at least that's what I keep on telling myself. It's about time for me too.
He told me to fight. I would, if I didn't lose all the rounds in just a single day. I know myself, I'd fight until the end, I'd fight for what is mine but the problem is, there's nothing left for me to fight for. Moving forward is the only way I know I could save myself. As I've said, the strength and courage to endure all the pain will be the ones to help me get through the situation. I may not emerge pristine, I'd have wounds and I'd be damaged but at least I'd get out of the war zone alive.
I asked him, "have you encountered problems with tita too?", he said "yes but we get through it together" which lead to their amazing love story. As he was narrating how he and his wife met, there was a spark in his eyes, a spark that said "I've always been in love with her and I always will be", right then, I told myself, maybe someday when this is all over, I'd find someone who would have that spark in his eyes just because he was talking about me, how we met, how we fell in love, how we never let go. I've used that as my motivation for this day. As the quote says, "when you are brave enough to say goodbye, the world will reward you with a wonderful hello". I'd like that for me. Someday, I'd like to find someone who would be proud to have me in his life, someone who wouldn't even think about hurting me in any way possible. Listening to him telling me how often they wrote letters to each other, how he pursued her, how he showed her that true love exists. He made me believe it too. Maybe someday... but first, I need to survive and it's not easy.
Day3: Be brave enough to say goodbye.
Now, since this is a diary, I'm going to tell you what happened today. His dad asked me to come and talk to him. At first, I was hesitant, thinking, am I ready? Could I handle this talk? Then I told to myself, they deserve a proper goodbye since they were really so good to me. They treated me like family and that's one of the many reasons why it's hard to let it all go. Nervous, I went and see him. His first question was "What happened? It's so sudden." I told him that everything just stopped and there's nothing I could do about it. He was insistent that there's still chance. Surprisingly, I told him, we need to let it go, yet as I've said he was insistent but I was stubborn. If making amends would make them happy, I'd gladly do it, right then and there. That's how important they are to me but since I value their respect and trust more than what they thought would make them happy, I couldn't. Making amends just because it would make them happy would mean having to lie to them, lie to ourselves just to satisfy everyone's notion that we were meant to be. He told me to think about it. Clearly, he didn't want me to move on completely but I told him, that's the only thing I know I needed to do. I know, his son has moved on... at least that's what I keep on telling myself. It's about time for me too.
He told me to fight. I would, if I didn't lose all the rounds in just a single day. I know myself, I'd fight until the end, I'd fight for what is mine but the problem is, there's nothing left for me to fight for. Moving forward is the only way I know I could save myself. As I've said, the strength and courage to endure all the pain will be the ones to help me get through the situation. I may not emerge pristine, I'd have wounds and I'd be damaged but at least I'd get out of the war zone alive.
I asked him, "have you encountered problems with tita too?", he said "yes but we get through it together" which lead to their amazing love story. As he was narrating how he and his wife met, there was a spark in his eyes, a spark that said "I've always been in love with her and I always will be", right then, I told myself, maybe someday when this is all over, I'd find someone who would have that spark in his eyes just because he was talking about me, how we met, how we fell in love, how we never let go. I've used that as my motivation for this day. As the quote says, "when you are brave enough to say goodbye, the world will reward you with a wonderful hello". I'd like that for me. Someday, I'd like to find someone who would be proud to have me in his life, someone who wouldn't even think about hurting me in any way possible. Listening to him telling me how often they wrote letters to each other, how he pursued her, how he showed her that true love exists. He made me believe it too. Maybe someday... but first, I need to survive and it's not easy.
Day3: Be brave enough to say goodbye.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Day 3a: It's not just about mending a broken heart, it's also about mending a broken soul
start of Day 3
(5:30am)
I woke up crying... again. I thought that as the day progresses, the intensity of the pain lessens, but that's not true. To compare yesterday and the other day's level of pain to that of today, it hurts more and more. The thing is, moving on is a process and the tricky part is anytime you could improve or you could go back to square one. It's like playing snakes and ladders, you move 2 steps forward after an amazing escalation with the ladder, then you take an amazing 2 more steps forward then you reach the snake, in this case, the memories, everything that's lost, you go back to start and all you could hope is somewhere there'd be ladders along the way. All I wanted was to finish this game. I'm scared, I know how far I am still from the finish line. The painful part is every step forward means having to take 2 steps back when the morning comes.
I thought that when I write my blog, it's one post per day but you have to realize that sometimes, pain hits in every part of the day. I needed to let this all out. I'm hurt, confused and it's plain agonizing.
This morning I felt another emotion, anger?... Isn't it too early? I don't know if this anger is directed to me or to him. Maybe both. I hate me for being such a pathetic little girl. It seems like I've leveled down myself into a scavenger who hunts for any glimpse of hope or strength from anywhere. I am a strong woman- this is what everyone told me. Yes I'm strong, but not strong enough to accept the reality of owning up to the sufferings I know I don't deserve. I'm starting to hate him, because of all people, he's the least person I know would leave me alone and grieve for the relationship alone. It's beyond painful knowing I'm the only one who's going to go through the entire moving on process. I don't think this is just about mending broken heart, it's also about mending a broken soul
I woke up crying... again. I thought that as the day progresses, the intensity of the pain lessens, but that's not true. To compare yesterday and the other day's level of pain to that of today, it hurts more and more. The thing is, moving on is a process and the tricky part is anytime you could improve or you could go back to square one. It's like playing snakes and ladders, you move 2 steps forward after an amazing escalation with the ladder, then you take an amazing 2 more steps forward then you reach the snake, in this case, the memories, everything that's lost, you go back to start and all you could hope is somewhere there'd be ladders along the way. All I wanted was to finish this game. I'm scared, I know how far I am still from the finish line. The painful part is every step forward means having to take 2 steps back when the morning comes.
I thought that when I write my blog, it's one post per day but you have to realize that sometimes, pain hits in every part of the day. I needed to let this all out. I'm hurt, confused and it's plain agonizing.
This morning I felt another emotion, anger?... Isn't it too early? I don't know if this anger is directed to me or to him. Maybe both. I hate me for being such a pathetic little girl. It seems like I've leveled down myself into a scavenger who hunts for any glimpse of hope or strength from anywhere. I am a strong woman- this is what everyone told me. Yes I'm strong, but not strong enough to accept the reality of owning up to the sufferings I know I don't deserve. I'm starting to hate him, because of all people, he's the least person I know would leave me alone and grieve for the relationship alone. It's beyond painful knowing I'm the only one who's going to go through the entire moving on process. I don't think this is just about mending broken heart, it's also about mending a broken soul
A Broken Girl's Letter to God
Dear God,
help me please..I'm in so much pain. I don't know what to do. I feel so conflicted. I don't know how to take the first step it's just too painful to bear. Lord God, I beg you, please listen to my prayers. I can't do this alone. I was left all by myself, don't leave me too. God, I can only take so much please help me with this burden. It's too heavy. It takes away all my strength it takes away everything in me that makes me feel alive. Dear God, please show me the way, show me my path. I feel like I fell into an abyss. Let my feet fall on the floor so I'd know how to use them to stand and walk away tall and strong. Dear God, I'm so sorry because I cannot understand your reasons. I cannot wrap my head around the thought that everything happens for a reason because I know that you know, I didn't do any grave sin to deserve this kind of despair. Will tje reason be worth as this level of pain? God, my soul has been torn apart and is still being torn apart everyday, every time I realize that I didn't do anything bad to experience this kind of hurting.
Lord God, take me in your arms, save me from this overwhelming mixture of pain, despair, confusion, and weakness. Give me courage to fight this battle without weapons and still emerge victorious. God, sing me your lullaby so I could close my eyes and enjoy the slumber I need to escape this even for just a while. please God.
sincerely,
me
help me please..I'm in so much pain. I don't know what to do. I feel so conflicted. I don't know how to take the first step it's just too painful to bear. Lord God, I beg you, please listen to my prayers. I can't do this alone. I was left all by myself, don't leave me too. God, I can only take so much please help me with this burden. It's too heavy. It takes away all my strength it takes away everything in me that makes me feel alive. Dear God, please show me the way, show me my path. I feel like I fell into an abyss. Let my feet fall on the floor so I'd know how to use them to stand and walk away tall and strong. Dear God, I'm so sorry because I cannot understand your reasons. I cannot wrap my head around the thought that everything happens for a reason because I know that you know, I didn't do any grave sin to deserve this kind of despair. Will tje reason be worth as this level of pain? God, my soul has been torn apart and is still being torn apart everyday, every time I realize that I didn't do anything bad to experience this kind of hurting.
Lord God, take me in your arms, save me from this overwhelming mixture of pain, despair, confusion, and weakness. Give me courage to fight this battle without weapons and still emerge victorious. God, sing me your lullaby so I could close my eyes and enjoy the slumber I need to escape this even for just a while. please God.
sincerely,
me
Day 2: Realizations From Mere Assumptions
Day 2
This day I realized that mornings could be so painful. I woke up convincing myself that yesterday was just a dream but it really wasn't (I had to check up on my best friend sleeping beside me to confirm that this is really happening). The pain was almost unbearable, it's like I can't breathe and every time I move my body everything inside me hurts. Memories just came barging in my mind and all I wanted was to make them stop. I texted friends and told them to help me make the pain stop but they couldn't do anything that could extinguish the agonizing feeling. They kept on inculcating in me words of encouragement but I just can't stop the crippling feeling. I went outside our house and breathed some needed fresh air. I went to a corner and cried so hard, so hard that I wanted to scream but there's no sound and all I could do is shut my eyes and block everything that's in my head. Everything I see hurts but I knew I had to get through this day.
I was supposed to have my interview today but I didn't attend because I wanted to spend time with my best friends because I know they'd help me nurse my damaged soul... at least they would try. We talked and talked for hours. They gave me their opinions on the matters concerning my situation. I took all the comfort I could get to get through another couple of hours, maybe days. We laughed too (Yes, I am capable of laughing, but it wasn't genuine all the time, I'm not going to lie) but it wasn't enough to spare myself from another night of anguish. We've been talking about the same topic since this morning and I'm so thankful my friends understand what I'm going through. The same thoughts pass through my mind- "why do I have to experience this kind of pain when I was the one who was left behind, I was the one who got hurt while they were rejoicing yet they were the ones that caused me my sorrow. There were realizations, a lot of them actually. They told me the possibilities of what went wrong with the relationship, the exact place our ship sunk and all those things. They opened things in my mind that I wouldn't be able to think about alone but all those were mere assumptions. No one knows why, where, when, how.... The only realization given to me that isn't an opinion was "he is no longer yours" and that triggered my pent up tears.
One of my best friends (another best friend, it's like they're taking shifts on looking out for me) will be sleeping over tonight. The moment we entered my room, I told her, I feel so low and sad in this room. It's like I'm hurting again even though we're not starting a conversation yet. I started asking questions that were bombarding me constantly: Does he still love me?; What went wrong? When did it start to go wrong? What triggered his decision?, Why didn't he give me the chance to fight for the relationship?, why did he just shut me out and just let me stare at everything I worked hard and valued and loved so much break apart in front of me? Could I have done something to rectify the situation? Did he no longer want the relationship or did he no longer wanted ME? My questions were endless. It's like if a possibility emerge, there are so many other possibilities that could branch out from there and the tricky part is they're all mere possibilities, assumptions, opinions. She asked me, "don't you want answers to all your questions? Don't you think it'll be easier to move forward when you know the answers?" I told her how I wish I could have all the answers but I don't think I could handle them yet at least not coming from him directly. The answers could somehow help me move forward but I know, HIS answers are going to be my ultimate downfall and I'm scared I might not recover.
The last realization I have tonight which I might take in my slumber ( which I hope I'd have tonight) is maybe, he just didn't want me anymore. There were really no options or choices because I was already out of the picture to begin with. This hurts me so much because for a long time, I thought I'd earned my place in his heart... I was wrong, because if ever I did, I wouldn't be thrown away. Yes, today, I've realized, I was thrown away like a piece of garbage. Maybe this painful thinking would make me move forward even though they're baby steps, at least I'm moving.
Day 2 is about realizations from mere assumptions
This day I realized that mornings could be so painful. I woke up convincing myself that yesterday was just a dream but it really wasn't (I had to check up on my best friend sleeping beside me to confirm that this is really happening). The pain was almost unbearable, it's like I can't breathe and every time I move my body everything inside me hurts. Memories just came barging in my mind and all I wanted was to make them stop. I texted friends and told them to help me make the pain stop but they couldn't do anything that could extinguish the agonizing feeling. They kept on inculcating in me words of encouragement but I just can't stop the crippling feeling. I went outside our house and breathed some needed fresh air. I went to a corner and cried so hard, so hard that I wanted to scream but there's no sound and all I could do is shut my eyes and block everything that's in my head. Everything I see hurts but I knew I had to get through this day.
I was supposed to have my interview today but I didn't attend because I wanted to spend time with my best friends because I know they'd help me nurse my damaged soul... at least they would try. We talked and talked for hours. They gave me their opinions on the matters concerning my situation. I took all the comfort I could get to get through another couple of hours, maybe days. We laughed too (Yes, I am capable of laughing, but it wasn't genuine all the time, I'm not going to lie) but it wasn't enough to spare myself from another night of anguish. We've been talking about the same topic since this morning and I'm so thankful my friends understand what I'm going through. The same thoughts pass through my mind- "why do I have to experience this kind of pain when I was the one who was left behind, I was the one who got hurt while they were rejoicing yet they were the ones that caused me my sorrow. There were realizations, a lot of them actually. They told me the possibilities of what went wrong with the relationship, the exact place our ship sunk and all those things. They opened things in my mind that I wouldn't be able to think about alone but all those were mere assumptions. No one knows why, where, when, how.... The only realization given to me that isn't an opinion was "he is no longer yours" and that triggered my pent up tears.
One of my best friends (another best friend, it's like they're taking shifts on looking out for me) will be sleeping over tonight. The moment we entered my room, I told her, I feel so low and sad in this room. It's like I'm hurting again even though we're not starting a conversation yet. I started asking questions that were bombarding me constantly: Does he still love me?; What went wrong? When did it start to go wrong? What triggered his decision?, Why didn't he give me the chance to fight for the relationship?, why did he just shut me out and just let me stare at everything I worked hard and valued and loved so much break apart in front of me? Could I have done something to rectify the situation? Did he no longer want the relationship or did he no longer wanted ME? My questions were endless. It's like if a possibility emerge, there are so many other possibilities that could branch out from there and the tricky part is they're all mere possibilities, assumptions, opinions. She asked me, "don't you want answers to all your questions? Don't you think it'll be easier to move forward when you know the answers?" I told her how I wish I could have all the answers but I don't think I could handle them yet at least not coming from him directly. The answers could somehow help me move forward but I know, HIS answers are going to be my ultimate downfall and I'm scared I might not recover.
The last realization I have tonight which I might take in my slumber ( which I hope I'd have tonight) is maybe, he just didn't want me anymore. There were really no options or choices because I was already out of the picture to begin with. This hurts me so much because for a long time, I thought I'd earned my place in his heart... I was wrong, because if ever I did, I wouldn't be thrown away. Yes, today, I've realized, I was thrown away like a piece of garbage. Maybe this painful thinking would make me move forward even though they're baby steps, at least I'm moving.
Day 2 is about realizations from mere assumptions
Sunday, May 25, 2014
DAY 1: Hell
Day 1 is hell. So the morning, I received the message that broke the absolute truth I knew, he told me we were over. The day before, we went out and it wasn't really the same anymore. That was the first time I felt that something was off. We even had "tampo moments" before we went home. We had unresolved issues that time. I told myself, in the morning I'd say sorry for my shitty attitude because he didn't deserve that. So in the morning I had the greatest shock of my life. I didn't know if I'd like to cry or stay still or anything because I knew any moment, I might break down. All through out the day I thought I was just dreaming. So I told my friends about it and they were amazingly ready to be there for me. One of my best friends went out with me, we ate at one of our favorite restaurants and surprisingly, I didn't get to finish my food (which is a first in that restaurant), then we went to the mall and went to the KTV. Of course, what do you expect, we sang and sang a lot of songs... heartbreaking songs. She told me that she really wanted to let me cry. She knew me, I could stop feeling, click something in my mind and voila! numb. She was persistent in letting me cry, unfortunately I cried, and somehow it let me get through another couple of hours.
One of my bestfriends joined me for a sleepover. She let me speak all my thoughts. She didn't judge. She even cried with me. She felt my agony and despair. She told me her thoughts and even asked some opinions from her guy friends and somehow, their words helped me close my eyes and hope to have some sleep since I have an upcoming interview in the afternoon. It didn't help, I was crying myself to sleep.
I wasn't angry...yet. The mere thoughts in my mind were, "it's unfair, unfair that he didn't have to experience this kind of process because he's already happy", "I invested so much and it just went to waste", "I feel pathetic for even crying myself to sleep", "I'm afraid of the morning, because I know it will break me again and again and there's nothing I could do about it.", "I'm afraid that this is my reality because never have I imagined that it will end like this", it's like all these thoughts were on loop, they were knives stabbing me every now and then.
I was close to his family so I wanted to have a proper goodbye (not so formal since I just texted them, but still) . They deserve that. His dad texted me and told me that things would be okay, we could still fix the relationship. A year ago, I might take him up on his offer of reconciling us, but now, I begged him not too. I told him that if he tried, it might break any thing whole that's left in me. Let it be.
If you'd ask me if I want the relationship back, I'm not gonna lie, I do. But it's more than impossible. Everything has changed in a matter of 24 hours. All the things I thought were real, weren't actually real. it's like I was lead into an illusion,a bubble that would be so difficult to get out of. I was so in love, then I was left hanging. Is it his fault? no. It's never someone's fault to fall out of love. the heart is a fickle son of a b*tch. Anything could change.
I thought we were invincible. We've gone through so much and we emerged victorious. So to say my heart broke when he told me it was over was an understatement. My world shattered but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how broken and damaged I was.
Day 1: It takes ten times your normal strength to get through the first day.
An Introduction to a Painful Journey
Hey!
So many people may think that my blog is somewhat peculiar. I mean, really, who does a diary blog on her moving on process? Well, I have my reasons.
First, I wanted to have an outlet. People told me to go out with friends more (I always go out with friends, so it's not really tuning out of the routine), but for the first day, yep, I went out with friends. Did it help? Let's see. All these years, I've always felt better writing what I feel. It makes me realize some things in this kind of solitude. I feel serene when I let out my feelings with words. So I told myself, why not? why not just document how you're going to get through the painful situation you're in. Maybe one day, when you get to read everything you've written, you'd just laugh and say... ha! in the end, I've made it!
Last, (sorry just got two reasons) maybe I could be of help to other people who are also in the process of moving on. As my instructor in college used to say "misery loves company". Through this blog, I'd like to show them that they're not the only ones feeling what they're feeling because when we feel pain, we tend to forget that many people go through or may have gone through this path as well; we tend to alienate ourselves from the world thinking we're alone, thinking we're the only ones who got our hearts broken. Newsflash! Many people felt and feel it too.
I don't know if this blog could be something that people could hold on to but I hope it would. During these times, when you don't know where you'd go from where you're standing, something to grab on to would be a great help. I hope I could be a good example in moving forward (but I won't promise, because I'm just new in the heartbreak department)
Okay so of course, a heart won't just get broken for no purpose so I'll give you a little background on why I had to go through this "outlet". My ex boyfriend and I dated for almost five years. We broke up the month before our 5th anniversary (May 25,2014... painful? here's more)... he told me he fell out of love- I'll keep the continuation of this to myself.
I'm not demanding any one of you to read any of this okay? if you want to stop reading then stop. Just a reminder, this is my documentation, so if there's some things you might feel offending or just peculiar personally, keep it to yourself because I don't give a damn. :)
For those who'd like to follow this blog... Maybe you're heartbroken too.. we'll get through.
So here's something I just thought a while ago:
A heartbreak isn't a walk in the park. It's a nightmare that haunts you when you're wide awake and keeps haunting you even when you're asleep (if you're lucky to have some).
Let's start this process!
So many people may think that my blog is somewhat peculiar. I mean, really, who does a diary blog on her moving on process? Well, I have my reasons.
First, I wanted to have an outlet. People told me to go out with friends more (I always go out with friends, so it's not really tuning out of the routine), but for the first day, yep, I went out with friends. Did it help? Let's see. All these years, I've always felt better writing what I feel. It makes me realize some things in this kind of solitude. I feel serene when I let out my feelings with words. So I told myself, why not? why not just document how you're going to get through the painful situation you're in. Maybe one day, when you get to read everything you've written, you'd just laugh and say... ha! in the end, I've made it!
Last, (sorry just got two reasons) maybe I could be of help to other people who are also in the process of moving on. As my instructor in college used to say "misery loves company". Through this blog, I'd like to show them that they're not the only ones feeling what they're feeling because when we feel pain, we tend to forget that many people go through or may have gone through this path as well; we tend to alienate ourselves from the world thinking we're alone, thinking we're the only ones who got our hearts broken. Newsflash! Many people felt and feel it too.
I don't know if this blog could be something that people could hold on to but I hope it would. During these times, when you don't know where you'd go from where you're standing, something to grab on to would be a great help. I hope I could be a good example in moving forward (but I won't promise, because I'm just new in the heartbreak department)
Okay so of course, a heart won't just get broken for no purpose so I'll give you a little background on why I had to go through this "outlet". My ex boyfriend and I dated for almost five years. We broke up the month before our 5th anniversary (May 25,2014... painful? here's more)... he told me he fell out of love- I'll keep the continuation of this to myself.
I'm not demanding any one of you to read any of this okay? if you want to stop reading then stop. Just a reminder, this is my documentation, so if there's some things you might feel offending or just peculiar personally, keep it to yourself because I don't give a damn. :)
For those who'd like to follow this blog... Maybe you're heartbroken too.. we'll get through.
So here's something I just thought a while ago:
A heartbreak isn't a walk in the park. It's a nightmare that haunts you when you're wide awake and keeps haunting you even when you're asleep (if you're lucky to have some).
Let's start this process!
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