DAY 1: Hell

Day 1 is hell. So the morning, I received the message that broke the absolute truth I knew, he told me we were over.  The day before, we went out and it wasn't really the same anymore. That was the first time I felt that something was off. We even had "tampo moments" before we went home. We had unresolved issues that time. I told myself, in the morning I'd say sorry for my shitty attitude because he didn't deserve that. So in the morning I had the greatest shock of my life. I didn't know if I'd like to cry or stay still or anything because I knew any moment, I might break down. All through out the day I thought I was just dreaming. So I told my friends about it and they were amazingly ready to be there for me. One of my best friends went out with me, we ate at one of our favorite restaurants and surprisingly, I didn't get to finish my food (which is a first in that restaurant), then we went to the mall and went to the KTV. Of course, what do you expect, we sang and sang a lot of songs... heartbreaking songs. She told me that she really wanted to let me cry. She knew me, I could stop feeling, click something in my mind and voila! numb. She was persistent in letting me cry, unfortunately I cried, and somehow it let me get through another couple of hours.

One of my bestfriends joined me for a sleepover. She let me speak all my thoughts. She didn't judge. She even cried with me. She felt my agony and despair. She told me her thoughts and even asked  some opinions from her guy friends and somehow, their words helped me close my eyes and hope to have some sleep since I have an upcoming interview in the afternoon. It didn't help, I was crying myself to sleep.

I wasn't angry...yet. The mere thoughts in my mind were, "it's unfair, unfair that he didn't have to experience this kind of process because he's already happy", "I invested so much and it just went to waste", "I feel pathetic for even crying myself to sleep", "I'm afraid of the morning, because I know it will break me again and again and there's nothing I could do about it.", "I'm afraid that this is my reality because never have I imagined that it will end like this", it's like all these thoughts were on loop, they were knives stabbing me every now and then.

I was close to his family so I wanted to have a proper goodbye (not so formal since I just texted them, but still) . They deserve that. His dad texted me and told me that things would be okay, we could still fix the relationship. A year ago, I might take him up on his offer of reconciling us, but now, I begged him not too. I told him that if he tried, it might break any thing whole that's left in me. Let it be.

If you'd ask me if I want the relationship back, I'm not gonna lie, I do. But it's more than impossible. Everything has changed in a matter of 24 hours. All the things I thought were real, weren't actually real. it's like I was lead into an illusion,a bubble that would be so difficult to get out of. I was so in love, then I was left hanging. Is it his fault? no. It's never someone's fault to fall out of love. the heart is a fickle son of a b*tch. Anything could change.

I thought we were invincible. We've gone through so much and we emerged victorious. So to say my heart broke when he told me it was over was an understatement. My world shattered but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how broken and damaged I was.


Day 1: It takes ten times your normal strength to get through the first day.