Day 3 is a whirlwind of emotions. When morning came, it was another of those breakdown moments. It's like there's a broken dam inside of you and it's so difficult to stop its flow. I'm not one to cry continuously. I cry it all out once then the next day I'm okay (really okay) but this is different. I cried three days in a row with the same level of pain. Everyday, I get weary and scared when the night comes and get more weary and scared when the morning comes.
Now, since this is a diary, I'm going to tell you what happened today. His dad asked me to come and talk to him. At first, I was hesitant, thinking, am I ready? Could I handle this talk? Then I told to myself, they deserve a proper goodbye since they were really so good to me. They treated me like family and that's one of the many reasons why it's hard to let it all go. Nervous, I went and see him. His first question was "What happened? It's so sudden." I told him that everything just stopped and there's nothing I could do about it. He was insistent that there's still chance. Surprisingly, I told him, we need to let it go, yet as I've said he was insistent but I was stubborn. If making amends would make them happy, I'd gladly do it, right then and there. That's how important they are to me but since I value their respect and trust more than what they thought would make them happy, I couldn't. Making amends just because it would make them happy would mean having to lie to them, lie to ourselves just to satisfy everyone's notion that we were meant to be. He told me to think about it. Clearly, he didn't want me to move on completely but I told him, that's the only thing I know I needed to do. I know, his son has moved on... at least that's what I keep on telling myself. It's about time for me too.
He told me to fight. I would, if I didn't lose all the rounds in just a single day. I know myself, I'd fight until the end, I'd fight for what is mine but the problem is, there's nothing left for me to fight for. Moving forward is the only way I know I could save myself. As I've said, the strength and courage to endure all the pain will be the ones to help me get through the situation. I may not emerge pristine, I'd have wounds and I'd be damaged but at least I'd get out of the war zone alive.
I asked him, "have you encountered problems with tita too?", he said "yes but we get through it together" which lead to their amazing love story. As he was narrating how he and his wife met, there was a spark in his eyes, a spark that said "I've always been in love with her and I always will be", right then, I told myself, maybe someday when this is all over, I'd find someone who would have that spark in his eyes just because he was talking about me, how we met, how we fell in love, how we never let go. I've used that as my motivation for this day. As the quote says, "when you are brave enough to say goodbye, the world will reward you with a wonderful hello". I'd like that for me. Someday, I'd like to find someone who would be proud to have me in his life, someone who wouldn't even think about hurting me in any way possible. Listening to him telling me how often they wrote letters to each other, how he pursued her, how he showed her that true love exists. He made me believe it too. Maybe someday... but first, I need to survive and it's not easy.
Day3: Be brave enough to say goodbye.
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