Day 2
This day I realized that mornings could be so painful. I woke up convincing myself that yesterday was just a dream but it really wasn't (I had to check up on my best friend sleeping beside me to confirm that this is really happening). The pain was almost unbearable, it's like I can't breathe and every time I move my body everything inside me hurts. Memories just came barging in my mind and all I wanted was to make them stop. I texted friends and told them to help me make the pain stop but they couldn't do anything that could extinguish the agonizing feeling. They kept on inculcating in me words of encouragement but I just can't stop the crippling feeling. I went outside our house and breathed some needed fresh air. I went to a corner and cried so hard, so hard that I wanted to scream but there's no sound and all I could do is shut my eyes and block everything that's in my head. Everything I see hurts but I knew I had to get through this day.
I was supposed to have my interview today but I didn't attend because I wanted to spend time with my best friends because I know they'd help me nurse my damaged soul... at least they would try. We talked and talked for hours. They gave me their opinions on the matters concerning my situation. I took all the comfort I could get to get through another couple of hours, maybe days. We laughed too (Yes, I am capable of laughing, but it wasn't genuine all the time, I'm not going to lie) but it wasn't enough to spare myself from another night of anguish. We've been talking about the same topic since this morning and I'm so thankful my friends understand what I'm going through. The same thoughts pass through my mind- "why do I have to experience this kind of pain when I was the one who was left behind, I was the one who got hurt while they were rejoicing yet they were the ones that caused me my sorrow. There were realizations, a lot of them actually. They told me the possibilities of what went wrong with the relationship, the exact place our ship sunk and all those things. They opened things in my mind that I wouldn't be able to think about alone but all those were mere assumptions. No one knows why, where, when, how.... The only realization given to me that isn't an opinion was "he is no longer yours" and that triggered my pent up tears.
One of my best friends (another best friend, it's like they're taking shifts on looking out for me) will be sleeping over tonight. The moment we entered my room, I told her, I feel so low and sad in this room. It's like I'm hurting again even though we're not starting a conversation yet. I started asking questions that were bombarding me constantly: Does he still love me?; What went wrong? When did it start to go wrong? What triggered his decision?, Why didn't he give me the chance to fight for the relationship?, why did he just shut me out and just let me stare at everything I worked hard and valued and loved so much break apart in front of me? Could I have done something to rectify the situation? Did he no longer want the relationship or did he no longer wanted ME? My questions were endless. It's like if a possibility emerge, there are so many other possibilities that could branch out from there and the tricky part is they're all mere possibilities, assumptions, opinions. She asked me, "don't you want answers to all your questions? Don't you think it'll be easier to move forward when you know the answers?" I told her how I wish I could have all the answers but I don't think I could handle them yet at least not coming from him directly. The answers could somehow help me move forward but I know, HIS answers are going to be my ultimate downfall and I'm scared I might not recover.
The last realization I have tonight which I might take in my slumber ( which I hope I'd have tonight) is maybe, he just didn't want me anymore. There were really no options or choices because I was already out of the picture to begin with. This hurts me so much because for a long time, I thought I'd earned my place in his heart... I was wrong, because if ever I did, I wouldn't be thrown away. Yes, today, I've realized, I was thrown away like a piece of garbage. Maybe this painful thinking would make me move forward even though they're baby steps, at least I'm moving.
Day 2 is about realizations from mere assumptions
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