After a day of fun and laughs, I'm back home, here inside my room again. I'm thinking, what could I write here today? I've been murdering the backspace on my keyboard in the past ten minutes.
Okay, so here goes, upon entering my room, I felt empty. I felt like there was a blank step in my everyday routine and then I realized, ha! we weren't together anymore. To be honest, sometimes, I forget that fact often, maybe it's because we've been together for so long.
I had this routine of getting up in the morning, then texting him. When we don't have plans to go out, I'd tell him my plans for the day. When I come home, I'd let him know then text him good night. Sometimes, when we have plans of going out, we'd just talk about the meeting time because we both already know where we'd meet. There are times when I know I'll be the first to reach our meeting place, I'll challenge him to a race then when he arrives, he'd walk to me smiling because he knew I wasn't playing fair.
When I have some funny stories that happened to me during the day, I'd like to tell him all the hilarious details and try to make him laugh. I think about what his reaction might be, would he laugh or just act stoic (I used to love both reactions). I imagine, he'd ask more questions and we'd get to different conversations and even reminiscing the memories that are connected (or not) to what we're talking about. Sometimes, we'd end up talking about the weird things about science which always end up in an intellectual banter. He'd throw me facts about galaxies down to molecules and I'd fight back with logical (and not so logical) explanations. I'd persuade him that my case is right and he'd insist and give other examples to support his cause. Sometimes, I'd concede, but most of the time, he'll let me be but deep inside him, I know that he knows he's right. There are times I'd just argue with what he's saying for the sake of a fun argument. I remember his thinking face, and then it hit me, we were over. No more funny stories, no more laughs about silly things that only the both of us could relate to, no more intellectual banter about deceiving colors, no more weird conversations.
Today, I typed some of the funny things that happened during the outing with my friends, the jokes and funny conversations then after a moment, I realized, what was I doing? To whom am I sending the message? Then I realized, oops! it's over. Did the realization made me cry? No, I was in the company of my best friends so they really distracted me (which was a very good thing). Imagine my embarrassment if I sent him that message (I don't want to think about it, I might faint right on this spot). My point is, There are just some things that are difficult to get out of your system when you've gotten used to it. It's like, he's been embedded in my every day and it makes moving forward that much harder. I think, this is one of the most challenging aspects of the process.
It's not easy, it never was and it never will be. We weren't only a couple,we were the best of friends. To say that it feels like something is missing, would be an understatement. To say that something was taken away is twice the understatement. It's like something died inside of me that cannot ever be replaced, but it can be buried. It's difficult but it's not impossible.
Some people would say, "stop remembering things so you'd forget soon", the truth of the matter is, we would always remember things we'd like to forget but that's part of the forgetting process. The more you deny yourself of memories, the more you yearn for them. As I've told myself yesterday, it's okay to remember all the memories just make sure that after all the reminiscing, you'd have to say goodbye to all of them.
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