Day 3a: It's not just about mending a broken heart, it's also about mending a broken soul

start of Day 3 (5:30am)
I woke up crying... again. I thought that as the day progresses, the intensity of the pain lessens, but that's not true. To compare yesterday and the other day's level of pain to that of today, it hurts more and more. The thing is, moving on is a process and the tricky part is anytime you could improve or you could go back to square one. It's like playing snakes and ladders, you move 2 steps forward after an amazing escalation with the ladder, then you take an amazing 2 more steps forward then you reach the snake, in this case, the memories, everything that's lost, you go back to start and all you could hope is somewhere there'd be ladders along the way. All I wanted was to finish this game. I'm scared, I know how far I am still from the finish line. The painful part is every step forward means having to take 2 steps back when the morning comes.
I thought that when I write my blog, it's one post per day but you have to realize that sometimes, pain hits in every part of the day. I needed to let this all out. I'm hurt, confused and it's plain agonizing.
This morning I felt another emotion, anger?... Isn't it too early? I don't know if this anger is directed to me or to him. Maybe both. I hate me for being such a pathetic little girl. It seems like I've leveled down myself into a scavenger who hunts for any glimpse of hope or strength from anywhere. I am a strong woman- this is what everyone told me. Yes I'm strong, but not strong enough to accept the reality of owning up to the sufferings I know I don't deserve. I'm starting to hate him, because of all people, he's the least person I know would leave me alone and grieve for the relationship alone. It's beyond painful knowing I'm the only one who's going to go through the entire moving on process. I don't think this is just about mending broken heart, it's also about mending a broken soul