Day 4: Remiscing is the Road to Forgetting

I'm proud of myself. At last, I got some needed sleep and my appetite is back. I woke up with a heavy heart but at least I didn't cry my eyeballs out again. This may be a small improvement but it's MY big step.

This morning his dad told me not to close myself to the idea of us getting back but I think it's too late. I've been thinking lately and I feel like, there's no way we'll get back  together. Is it okay with me? no, but that's a fact I have to accept. People used to ask me, what if he comes back? I know deep inside me, that is just plain elusive, but if I had to answer, I don't think I could. I don't want to experience the same pain I've felt in the past few days. I was beyond hurt, I was torn. How I wish everything is just a long nightmare that when I wake up, we're still together, I'd still get a good morning text from him and he'll assure me again that my nightmare will never happen. But that's just not the case. It's no longer about if we want to get back or not. It's more than that... it's way more complicated now. This is not the simple, "you broke my heart but it'll be mended when we get back together" scenario. This is the "You broke my heart, I'm going to mend it myself and you won't get the chance to break it again" scenario.

Despite the realization this morning, I had so much fun this afternoon.My best friends and I went to go swimming  and it was really fun. For a short period of time, I felt happy, I felt elated, I felt like there's nothing wrong in my world. I forgot how broken I was, I forgot that I was grieving. I laughed till my tummy hurts. When my mind wanders to a painful place, I swim all those emotions away. I told myself,  this is not the time to go back to being a mess. This is the time to free my soul from all the pins torturing it even for a couple of hours. I needed this, I told myself.  When we went back, that's a whole new story. On the way home, I felt nervous, I was going back to my reality, it was a painful truth. Luckily, I'm not going back to my room, I was sleeping over at my best friend's house. I hope it would at least divert me from thinking about too much about my grievance but I guess, that would be challenging on my part especially with my mind constantly bombarding me with memories.

It's 6:20pm, we went out to eat. I can't seem to stop myself from remembering everything about my past relationship that is connected to what my eyes could see as of the moment. It's just now that I've understood the meaning of the song "Only Reminds Me Of You". This is so sentimental and pathetic. I remember how we used to talk, hold hands, how he used to wrap his arms around me how I would lay my head on his shoulder then he'd start to sing "Put your head on my shoulder" (I'm not going to lie, I was smiling while I typed that scenario). You might say, when moving on, you need to forget all those, but I'm giving myself a break. I told myself, just reminisce all you want, take all the time you need so when you get tired of remembering, you stop thinking, you stop feeling then you stop hurting.

This is it for today, as I've said, I'm sleeping over at my best friend's house so I don't think it's really nice to dwell on my sorrow while they're all trying to make me feel better. So an advice to all those heart broken  for today: Don't be scared to reminisce, it's the road to forgetting.